I was not aware of such a common writing rule.
Non-fiction / The Race
My son William and I ran a race together called the Dipsea, a tortuous, seven-mile climb and descent over a mountain. Running a practice Dipsea a month earlier, I found that the mountain laughs at you. “You thought that incline was hard? Try this one! And you better pay attention to these treacherous tree roots and the poison oak in the valley.” Unlike most cross-country contests, though, this race uses handicaps developed from a long history of running performances. William, age thirteen, started a few minutes ahead of his 43-year-old father. Since William had just completed a season of soccer, and I was always the last one picked for anything when I was a kid, I didn’t consider the handicapping fair in our individual case. Still, I had trained on rocky hills more than William and could outrun him going straight up on the trail. He was much stronger than me on flatter sections, however.
Watching William explode off the start line at the shriek of the starting whistle, I told myself that I would not see him again until the end of the race. But, man, it would be sweet to beat William, a natural athlete. When my group’s whistle sounded a short time later I forgot about my fantasy. I needed to pay attention to slippery stairs. I wanted to get in a running groove. I was too absorbed in maintaining my balance on a precipitous descent nicknamed “Suicide.” My legs were hurting too much climbing out of steep ravines, listening to other runners gasping for breath.
As I ascended, a quarter mile from the peak, close to the halfway point, I suddenly saw him. He was walking. I caught up to him in a very steep section where we both had to walk. “William, are you OK?” “No, I feel sick. I think I’m dehydrated.” “What? Why didn’t you bring water? Here, drink mine.” William quickly gulped down the warm water. His pained expression relaxed. We walked together for another minute, and the trail flattened out somewhat. “I feel better now. Thanks Pops!” He slapped me on the butt and took off. I ran after him. We hit the last uphill section, and I accelerated. “See you later Willy,” I jeered as I passed him, and we started a long downhill section. I’ve got to get way ahead of him now, I thought, or he’ll outrun me near the end where it’s flat. I pushed harder. After two miles I was 50 yards ahead of him when, oh no, a traffic jam of fat walkers clogged the narrow trail. I couldn’t get by and had to walk with them until the trail allowed room to pass. Before long William was right in back of me again. The trail broadened and we both picked up the pace on a curvy and flat last mile. I maintained a lead of 5 yards. As we rounded the last curve, 200 yards before the finish, we passed a line of spectators. I heard a voice yell, “Go Mike!” and a second later, “Go William! Beat your dad!” I wasn’t going to be a good father and let him win. I was sprinting, giving the race everything I had left. Beating William would make up for all the times the kids laughed as I struck out, all the times I missed the critical free throw, all the times the grammar school teachers put me in the “special” PE class. “Go Mike! Go Mike!” Twenty yards from the finish line, my stomach rebelled. I slowed down and motioned for William to pass. The crowd roared. What a nice, giving father!
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tstone reviewed Version 1 -
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good story. easy read… made me smile at the end. if this was your intention, then, “Go Mike!” :)
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Fastboyent reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, there needs to be some more character description between you and your character. By common writing rule, after each line of a conversation you need a new line, such as:
“Top of the morning to ya,” Bob said as he passed
“Same,” I said as I looked down at my shoes as I walked by…
and it is just those little things taht need to be fixed.
Lindy reviewed Version 1 -
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GREAT story! I love the ending! Suggestion for last paragraph would be to break it up a bit. Insert a paragraph break at “we hit the last uphill section” as well as “I maintained a lead…” The very last line falls a litte flat for me as a conclusion. I suppose I was waiting for a “life lesson” or universality that tied the whole event into a neat, global package.
Suz reviewed Version 1 -
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Good presentation, original content.Well written.
leapinggreenly reviewed Version 1 -
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this was an interesting piece with an unusual point of view. i didn’t know whether i wanted the father to win or not. ”My legs were hurting too much climbing out of steep ravines, listening to other runners gasping for breath.” These two sentences should be separate. It left me with mixed feelings about the ending… which is a good thing.
RandomHero reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a awesome story. All the necessary information is provided while telling a interesting and really funny story. There is humilaty, inspriration, comedy all the elements of a great piece and you didn’t waste any words to get to the end. Good work
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice story, is it worth the down fall if you had of beaten your son, my dad competes with me in eveything, but does,t always win. i,m not just talking about the physical. As a result we don,t get on.
If he gets to be too cocky though maybe it would be time to beat him, so as to gain his respect
I think this piece was well written and easy to follow, love the vision of the fat walkers blocking your way,lol
Hx reviewed Version 1 -
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Great work here – brevity with very little lost. Excellent description of action, with a very nice ending.
Only a couple of lines to quibble with: “cross country contests” (first paragraph) should be hyphenated: ‘cross-country contests’ (nice alliteration, though). And this line: “Since William just completed a season of club soccer, and, as a kid, I was always…” – just a bit of momentary confusion there: when you say ‘and, as a kid’ it sounds like you’re still talking about William. A reworking might be something like “Since William had just completed a season of soccer, and I was always the last picked for anything when I was a kid…”
That aside – very nice piece. Thanks for sharing.
Em7 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great ending! :)
I’m not sure I see beating a son as redemption for all the negativity of a non-athletic youth, but certainly doing well in the race would accomplish that.
Just a thought – you might break the last big paragraph up for easier reading – there seem to be 3 or 4 ideas that could stand alone as separate paragraphs.
Also, because I had never heard of the Dipsea, the title didn’t mean anything to me. You might think about a title that would be more of a hook & connect to the great ending… which is of course the strength of the piece.
All that’s picky stuff. Overall it’s very well done! :)
stevirobbo reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was a great piece, you could really get into the storyline with the narrator.A great tale of homour and self discipline.
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