No, actually, the story takes place after she escapes from the orphanage. This is the first part of the first chapter.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Everlastings- Chapter One excerpt
She was tired of running.
That was all she could think about- how long it had been since she’d had an actual home. But if she stumbled or slowed down, even for a moment, they would get her. For a year, she had danced out of their reach, staying half a step ahead of them every time they got close to catching her.
But, still, she was weary of the constant fear, of the sleepless nights, of the everlasting threat of death. The worst part wasn’t even death, because death wasn’t for eternity. The worst part was after death.
Because after death, there was resurrection.
Lily Grayson had been your typical teenage girl when her mother was in a fifteen car pileup, and survived long enough to tell her daughter not to trust the angel. Lily did not know what that meant; mostly because her mother was a religious woman, and would talk about guardian angels frequently. And so when she was taken away by the Angelic Catholic Church’s Home for Girls, having already forgotten her mother’s last words, she did not protest.
She should have.
They revealed to her she was the latest in a long line of Everlastings- people who, after death, if someone did the proper ceremony, they would rise from the depths of hell. Everlastings almost always went to hell.
They told her that they would show her, and so they poisoned her. A painless death, but death all the same. She remembered it clearly- the dark night brightening and the vision the ones with her, killing her, couldn’t see. It was a beautiful boy who looked to be her age, and he repeated her mother’s message.
“Do not trust their angel.”
The darkness had surrounded her, taking away her ability to even breathe. And then silence. Lily was dead.
And then she woke up.
A few days later, on a Sunday, when they were herding all of the girls into church, Lily noticed a small figurine, an angel who looked remarkably like the woman running the shelter.
It was then Lily began to wonder who her mother really was.
The next day, Lily escaped with her best friend, who Lily had taught the τελετή του resurection, or Ceremony of Resurrection.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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So far I’m iffy on this story, but I like the plot. I like religious stories…it’s edgy..I’m not clear about what’s going on though…like who killed Lily…I would read chapter 1 just to see what the overall point of the story will be.
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Dark_Elf reviewed Version 1 -
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This sounds like a great start to a possibly phenomenal story.
Lots of intrigue, religious strife, mystery, an ominous messege…all great ingredients.
Some things to point out though: starting sentences with the words “but”, “and”, and so forth sound a bit amatur…consider rewriting the sentence what start with those.
Be careful too how many times you use those words in a given sentence.
Another point to consider is your Point of View. You use Lily’s name ALOT throughout the piece. For example, your last lines:
_It was then Lily began to wonder who her mother really was.
The next day, Lily escaped with her best friend, who Lily had taught the τελετή του resurection, or Ceremony of Resurrection_
>> You can rewire this as: It was then Lily began to wonder who her mother really was The next day, she escaped with her best friend, who she had taught the Ceremony of Resurrection.
(We still assume you are talking about Lily, so put things in her perspective. There’s no need to use her name SO many times throught a single paragraph. My rule is generally using a character’s name only once per paragraph. So you can apply this to the entire narrative.)
Great start so far, keep working at it.
Re reviewed Version 1 -
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As a dream this story is fascinating. You got skills. I can see that it’s the start of a good story but it’s difficult to judge overall because it’s just a fragment. I am very intrigued by the references to the angel. I am also interested to know if other stories come to you in dreams. I get some of my best ideas from dreams.
unusualgirl0 reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, you start the story out well, and interestingly, but then you leap into backstory about what happened to her before. This isn’t good. Gradually work in the information we need to know—on a stictly need-to-know basis—a little at a time. Don’t chunk it all together and throw it in, especially in the beginning.
Okay, there’s a lot of telling, not showing, especially at the end. You’re summarizing, but I’d rather be shown it. Let the characters tell me what happens, not you.
Please don’t be discouraged—I think you have great potential, but this needs a bit of work. Don’t give up and keep writing!
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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You got my attention with the first sentence. I admit this is personal bias (or obsession with cerain themes), and not all readers may react this way, but I thought you should know…
“Everlastings almost always went to hell.” Is this really true, or just what the Church wants her to believe?
I’d suggest writing the Greek words in Roman letters – still looks esoteric, but the reader will have a chance of sounding the words out, at least.
There’s not enough here! I want details! You could show so much about the Home for Girls, and when the people there poison Lily, and sorts of things. There’s an interesting story here, but it looks like you’re just skimming the top of it.
planetaryexit reviewed Version 1 -
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This wasnt a story or an excerpt, this is more of a summery of the happenings. The plot has potential, you just need to add alot and I mean alot of detail on every aspect of the story.
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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This is interesting. Note: I’m reviewing the whole thing here, not just this page.
I liked the line “after death came resurrection”. That caught my attention. The first question that comes to mind is: “Why is it a bad thing to come back to life?” I can’t wait to see where you take this.
I think you repeated the angel theme a little too much, too quickly. Hold off on letting her see the angel statue, so you don’t rush things.
This leaves a lot of questions. Who is the boy she saw? Why does the church want her? Are there others like her? What are they planning?
I look forward to seeing what you do with this.
moonwarrior reviewed Version 1 -
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this was really good and i think has great potintal. i thought i could see everything happening. one thing i would do would be to add some more details. another thing would be to slow the story down. in some parts it goes a little fast. but overall it was good. great job!
Elf reviewed Version 1 -
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“every time they got close to catching her.”
...you might want to insert enough in to this…
(second line)
I think the idea could be quite fascinating. Some strange ideas that beg to be developed.
One thing…how and why did Lily teach it t her friend? I think that needs to be explained.
LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m interested to read more now, as it definitely leaves the reader curious. But I totally understand why – how you said this is not finished. I write the same way – as bits and pieces come to me, I write them so I don’t forget and then fit everything together eventually. I like your adjectives, especially ‘she had danced out of their reach’. Keep it up. :)
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