Chapter One- Tuesday Morning
9:12
Fay Reynolds sat dejectedly in the hard plastic chair outside the principal’s office. This was the third time she’d been sent to the principal this week. Toying with the chains on her baggy purple pants, she sighed and glanced up at the clock. The second hand ticked away the seconds of her life she was wasting sitting there.
The door swung open creakily to reveal a tall black man who looked down at Fay and sighed audibly.
“Again? What it is now?” he asked with exasperation.
“I punched a kid for calling my sister a godless whore. Is that kid gonna get in trouble? He better,” said Fay loudly, catching the attention of a parent checking out their child from school.
“What’s his name, Fay?” asked the frustrated principal.
“Devon Thompsen,” said Fay. “Hey, Becky, he’s in English class with Mrs. Dwight.”
The receptionist nodded and got on the intercom.
“Fay, what is this really about? Yesterday you were wearing a tank top. Three hours later, you had yelled at a kid in one of your classes to screw off. Now you resort to violence?” the principal asked.
“What would have me resort to otherwise?” challenged Fay.
“Tell a teacher, perhaps?” replied the man sarcastically.
“Yeah, right. This kid is the teacher’s nephew, and is ultra religious. That woulda worked,” answered Fay.
“Becky- I mean, Ms. Reynolds over there is your cousin. Are you implying that she would have let you get away with such nonsense?” asked the principal, gesturing towards the receptionist, who had forgotten about the parent standing beside her desk, as they were both watching this heated exchange with mild amusement.
“No, because Becky has a sense of decency,” said Fay.
“Go back to class, if you can behave yourself. This is a warning, all right, young lady?” the principal said, gesturing for her to leave as Devon Thompsen walked into the room. She smirked at him briefly and he paled.
“Why does she get off with a warning?” he demanded. “Look, here’s the bruise where she hit me!” He hiked up his shirt and pointed to a purplish spot on his stomach.
Fay stopped suddenly and wrinkled her forehead. The principal glanced at the note the teacher had written and rolled his eyes.
“Then why did your teacher say she hit you in the right arm?” asked the principal. “And Fay does have a parent notification, but as you provoked her, we need to talk.”
11:26
Ryan Smith raised his head to look at the clock and sighed. Plopping his head back down on his arms, which were crossed across his desk, he sighed sleepily.
“Heads off your desks, please,” said the teacher’s stern voice. “I think you need to be awake to learn.”
Simultaneously, the class raised their heads off their desks, waited for the teacher’s back to turn, and plopped them back down again. Ryan tapped his foot, beating his own little rhythm on the cold tile. A crackling sound interrupted his reverie.
“All tenth grade classes please report to the gym,” the intercom squawked.
“I guess we have an assembly,” the teacher said worriedly. “Why wasn’t I told I wonder……..”
11:45
Ryan leaned back in the bleachers, eying the blonde girl to the right of him. He had Spanish with her, and-
Fay Reynolds came up and the girl scooted over, so now Fay was sitting next to him. He sighed and pretended to be inconsolable
“Oh, shut up,” she growled. “Why are we here, anyway?”
“I dunno. By the way, why weren’t you at the oratorical thing? You could have won, hands down,” he told his friend.
“Because no one wants to hear what I have to say.”
As soon as she said that, the entire gymnasium began to tremble, and then crumble. Beams were dropping everywhere, and the bleachers they were sitting on began to fall apart. Ryan scrambled to the floor right before a steel beams came loose and dropped right where he had been sitting. People were either racing for the one door that didn’t lead outside or dropping like flies. The other set of bleachers collapsed, and nothing could be heard over the screams.
Just as soon as it had happened, it was gone, and the stampede for the door leading into the library continued, but Ryan sprinted back up to where he thought Fay’s body was, but instead he was greeted by a weary smile.
“Hey, Ryan, that wasn’t an earthquake,” she murmured, studying the steel beam that was crushing her legs. She had flung herself backwards just as it fell, sparing herself. Ryan caught sight of bloodied blonde hair from under the beam and felt sick to his stomach. Now that he came to realize anything other than Fay, he saw that the place was littered with bodies- people he recognized.
“There’s no way I can lift this, Fay,” he told her desperately, hoping she was going to be okay. She smiled and began to say something, but a shocked look zapped across her face, and she shoved him down, out of sight, as the doors leading outside burst open to reveal what looked like troops, but they didn’t look like anything from earth- the outfits were all wrong, and the weapons were straight out of a sci-fi movie. They marched into the library, and screams began again.
Fay’s jaw jutted out in determination, and she kicked the beam off if herself and stood up.
“What the hell?” exclaimed Ryan, but that was the wrong thing to do, because they were promptly surrounded by the last of the troops.
The hunt had began.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
The second hand ticked away the seconds of her life
Avoid repetition when you can. Since you said the second hand, we know that it’s seconds that are ticking away. I’d reword this just so you avoid the double usage of second.
a tall black man
tall, black
which were crossed across his desk,
Similar but not exactly the same. Even though cross and across are two different words, because they are so similar they draw the wrong kind of attention.
right before a steel beams came loose and dropped right
Again, repetition.
She smiled and began to say something, but a shocked look zapped across her face, and she shoved him down, out of sight, as the doors leading outside burst open to reveal what looked like troops, but they didn’t look like anything from earth- the outfits were all wrong, and the weapons were straight out of a sci-fi movie.
I’d suggest breaking this sentence up a bit, it’s really big and the reader could get lost in it.
she kicked the beam off if herself
*of
I like the style you’re using to write this, breaking it up into time and day. It really helps the reader know exactly what is going on because you give them constant reminders of when it is. I also like that we realize Fay was not always a “bad” girl so we have to wonder why she’s suddenly misbehaving. This has a really interesting start, I want to know where this is going.
I really liked this!! I can’t wait for you to write more, the last line was a hooker “The hunt had began”.
Your prose needs some more refining. For me, it seems like everything happens too matter-of-fact-ly. I thought the setup went well, but then the sudden destruction in the gym threw off the narrative. Make a big scene out of something like that, show off your writing chops, and use the details inherent in the situation to better define your characters
people dont always react right away, some with just sit there when something it happening.
defently keep the rebelous aditude of fay. defenutally the way to go.
school are build to survive earthquakes, fllods and tornato’s. have the room shake violently but not everything fall down around there heads, that a little over the eadge.
a steel beem, fell on her legs, they would be crushed, broken or just all out ripped off? it the boy cant do it, how the hell cna she? might want to rewrite this bit
Eventful opening, very modern and believeable. Fay is a likeable underdog. I can see readers taking her side. Not the marketable bubble brain so that I like her. Kid has some grit to her. The alien scenes needs more thought. The climax to the aliens coming is to fast. Unless you got alot to say and something alot more exciting and involved. Which you might. I don’t know. I will check back and see how it goes. See what happens to Fay and the aliens. I don’t think it is predictable, so I am hooked.
I hate to say it, but I saw nothing wrong with this piece. My only suggestion for improvement would be to expand the assembly portion before everything started caving in on them. Otherwise, the writing is tight, and the dialogue is well written. You have definately created enough suspense for me to want to keep reading.
A teenage girl that’s a goddess on another planet. That is a very original idea I would definitely read this story. I think Fay is very spunky. I like her.
Interesting short. Rather open on both ends, but we only get a glimpse, I understand that. Grammar is excellent, as is spelling. Storyline moves along, characters have flavor, all good. Only thing I offer as criticism is the last event in the gym is a bit muddy and impersonal. I would also maybe try to settle in on a single view, Fay seems the natural choice. Lead with your lead, as it were. Good job.
Okay, this is well written, but I have a few problems with it.
First, she’s a goddess being sought by aliens? Is this SF or Fantasy? Because SF readers don’t want a goddess, and Fantasy readers don’t want aliens.
I don’t understand the first part, why is it relevant that she’s in the principal’s office? It is a bit slow, but then is too fast once the aliens arrive. Huh? How do they know they’re troops? Does she know she’s their weapon? I need more information.
Please don’t be discouraged, I think you have lots of talent, and that’s why I’m being tough. Keep writing!
It’s an interesting beginning, but I think I would like to see more description of their surroundings. Perhaps a little backstory indicating why this was not the first time Fay had been to the principal’s office would be good too.
I noticed one missing word. “What would (you) have me resort to otherwise?”
He had Spanish with her, and- This may be personal preference, but I would go ahead and finish this thought. While I think abrupt cutoffs work in dialogue, and maybe even in internal dialogue, it doesn’t really work here. The sentence isn’t so much Ryan thinking, as explaining about his common class with the blonde.
Fay makes a comment that it wasn’t an earthquake that shook the gym. If I were Ryan, I would ask why she thought that, since an earthquake would appear be the most logical explanation. Granted, he was worried about the beam, but to me her comment seemed odd enough to elicit some sort of reaction as well.
I’m a little confused about the setting. The tenth graders are told to report to the gym, but then the soldiers are said to be marching into the library. Did they walk through the gym from outside, or can the students in the gym see the outside doors from where they are?
Finally, the last sentence should end with “begun,” rather than “began.”
I think it’s a good beginning, but just needs a little tweaking to make it “come alive.” Put yourself in each character’s position and they try to figure out what the most realistic reaction would be if you were the character, and give a little more description of the surroundings to pull your reader into the world you are creating.
Showing 1 - 10 of 10
Ratings & Rankings
Review item
Add to faves
