Sci Fi & Fantasy / Sunlight

Well, this was really good, but what kind of threw me off was the last sentence. I get that this is an excerpt, but I would like more to go on with this daily beating thing.

It was not as if she could not escape if she didn’t want to, – if she wanted to

It’s a little short to tell, but I do love assassin stories, and I also love prison stories – so you got 2 things going for you!

Also, use ‘showing’ not ‘telling’. Don’t tell us she trained as a warrior/assassin. Show us through her mindview…her memories of her training, her previous missions, gory details and all. That will create more content and also create pace and character.

It seems good so far ,but you know how much vampire stuff there is out there.  You’ll have to pull some really creative and uncomventional things out of the hat to be admired for a vampire story.  You write well though and for that you earn a ten in the overall category.  It seems to have potential and you put it down well enough to create a nice scene and fell.

this has my intrest. i want to read more. it reads nicely, leaves you wandering about this girl. what dark deeds has she done. please write more, i want to read it

THis has potential but it would be easier to say if we actually knew what it was about… k elissa 16 a vampire assasin…
It could use a little bit more descriptions and stuff… kay i get this is a exerpt but i want more.
Did she volunteered to become a vampire or was she forced too..?

Overall a very interesting piece. I like how you didn’t start out by telling the reader that she is a vampire, I was able to know her (if only a little) before you threw that info into the story. I am interested to know why the people have locked up their own assassin, or has she been captured-if she has that fact wasn’t completely clear. Of course, they could have locked her up because she is a vampire and they fear her, but it seems like she wasn’t the first or only one-which is just a guess after reading this piece. I would have liked to know a little more about her before the end, maybe a little more description or what’s going on in her head.

very nice. I didnt expect her to be a vampire.

There is a nice idea underpinning your writing. An idea about subterfugue and  secrets. The concept of a vampire assasin is pretty cool and i think you could go a lot deeper into this. Having said that I think you need to be repapraise this piece. The writing needs to be simplified which will give you more impact.

For instance:

Wails and screams from other people held in the dungeon penetrated her mind, interrupted her peace.

We already Know they are held in a dungeon you already said that so you can dispense with that part. Also you don’t need wails and screams. Screams is the stronger word so go with that.

You need to be tough on your work. So when people read it they are swept along. If you put in to many redundant words it detracts from your strong idea.

Good luck with your work. Hope to read more this could be cool.

Okay, my biggest beef with this is: Who’s Point of View is this?  Is it hers? It doesn’t seem like it. And whe is the ‘they’ that think she’s praying?  If it’s not her POV, whose is it? There’s only one character here.  

I think it’s an interesting idea, but too much info-dumping too quickly. I want to get in her head, feel things from her pov, see from her eyes, not be talked to by the author, which is what I’m feeling here.  

Sorry to be harsh. Please don’t be discouraged by this, and keep writing!

Oh God, not another vampire story! TV and films are awash with them and they are becoming increasingly cliches and hacneyed. Now it’s true that publishers are always looking for a copy of the last big thing, but vampires really have had their day (or night to be pedantic). Look for something new and say something that hasn’t been said before.

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January 20, 2008

by ModernDayAthena

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
30	83.3% (18 votes)	28.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Brazil	August 29

I love vampires; a lot of people do. What a shame to write about a topic people will be interested in enough to read. The story is not about the fact that she’s a vampire-
it’s about the fact she’s an assassin.

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