Poetry / Played it Safe In Freeverse

I funny snapshot evoking the feeling of “The Red Wheelbarrow” and the like.  It is humorous, but I will drawn your attention to the subtly racist overtones that you may or may not want to bring to the piece by repeating the Indian thing twice.  Once, it points to the PC of our culture.  Twice, it feels a tad mean-spirited.

Bam! That’s the first 10 I’ve given. Bravo. Bout time I see some truth in writing around here. What’s with all the pith and adjectives around here? Folks, this is poetry, learn from it. The whole Indian- I mean native american thing was the stroke of a master. Brilliant, bravo! I want more.

This is comedy? I wouldn’t have read it as comedic if you hadn’t said it was in the notes. To me, it’s not that funny.

Perplexing but not terribly funny to me at all. Actually don’t get it, sorry.

It was short but still had meaning which is good. Also its beginning tied in with the ending which is also good because otherwise it would seem like you were just rambling on and on. Good Job.

~~Retniapdoolb

I did not want to score this because being from across the pond (bonny ol’ England) I fear that I might not quite get the cultural references, but alas Urbis says I must. I do not wish to be unduly harsh so I have marked it a 6, purely because it did not make me laugh, or even raise a smile.

The piece has promise but seems a little empty and abrupt and more like a thought at the start of a brainstorm that could do with some development, rather than a finished poem or skit.  Comedy is about timing and I think that at this length the timing is just a tad off. Poetry is about connection, and even without my transatlantic handicap I doubt I would have connected with this.

When I read this piece I was like “Yes” I finally clicked on something that was not the “doom” of poetry. It was a silly, funny, twist that made me smile. My heart felt great when I read this. The only thing that I can complain about is that it was so short. I would have loved to read more and keep my new smile longer. I am not a judge of works just an inspired reader. Thankyou for inspiring words from this reader. Keep up the good work.

I don’t understand the playing it safe part but I do understand its supposed to be silly.I only have to ask,was this a good sandwich? ;)

I know you said this is just a silly old little thing but you could really do something with this.  I mean it goes along with what our country actually did or view native americans… with no trust and kill before question type of vibe.  If you do decide to go this route I would change the title though.  Yes this piece is a bit whimsical but keep it that way, it makes the reality of what is behind the playfulness of it even more real.

I think it’s funny, and interesting to read. Fun.