thanx!
i’m so very pleased you got something out of it!funny that you like this one, but felt absolutely nothing for “the trth will out”
Poetry / a cold metal tongue
How many are there, centuries dead,
forgotten tongues inside your head?
Their rhymes and song, a living ray,
will never see the light of day.
The whispered prayers, magic spells,
that in your heart chimed silver bells,
and golden riddles we were posed -
their answers, mute… beneath the rose.
The new tongue’s heart is mechanical;
Our souls? Now hypothetical.
Deader still, but permanent;
its eyes, across the firmament.
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Ravenn reviewed Version 4 -
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A perfect piece of work. I think I am in shock! ;) Now if you only submitted the rest of your pieces this polished. I love it.
These lines are beautiful:
The whispered prayers, magic spells,
that in your heart chimed silver bells,
but my favorite – Deader still, but permanent;
Deader still – how much that brings across to this piece.
Dark regards,
Ravenn
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michellegrant reviewed Version 4 -
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I love this poem! your use of rhyme is fantastic, that opening line punches you in the face.
im_dragon_f8 reviewed Version 4 -
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I liked this. Its pretty original. I like the references to the olden days with spells and magic and before everything was dependant on our steel devices
blakdove reviewed Version 4 -
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The theme is thought provoking, it makes me think of all the old home remedies, incantations and mantras many people have no idea about today. How knowledge used to be the end all do all and how it isn’t that way anymore. I feel like when you say “and golden riddles we were posed – their answers, mute… beneath the rose.” there could be another way of saying they are dead besides beneath the rose. good poem though.
dancintears007 reviewed Version 4 -
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This was really good. I don’t know about other people but it kinda stopped me and made me think.. I’m not sure of your inspiration (as I am not you). But watever it is. keep it up.
YolandaRenee reviewed Version 4 -
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Wonderful, I wish I could write like that!
manoj reviewed Version 4 -
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It is thought provoking and philosophical. Honestly, the word firmament seems weak.
Best wishes
allycat135 reviewed Version 3 -
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I think the last stanza lacks a quality the previous stanzas had. The lines are shorter, yes, but there is also confusion about what you meant by”the new tongues heart’s mechanical/ our souls?” I wouldnt mind the ambiguity of the language so much if it was often used throughout the poem, but it seems like here there is a typo or something.
But, a cold metal tongue is definitely good imagery. You just need to be careful with making each image precise within its line. A place where an image is less precise than the cold metal tongue are the way you describe them as being “a living ray/ will never see the light of day.” It is kind of paradoxical because it is a light in and of itself, even if it is not exposed to the external world of the body in question. Perhaps here the rhyme scheme alters the integrity of your meaning?
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