LOL thanks for the input. But I must say I placed the words exactly where I wanted them to keep the syllables lined up. If I were to change them, it would not sound good. But thanks again for the advice, gives me something to think about=)
Eve
Poetry / Mariner's Request
Mariner’s Request
Dear beloved ocean, my heart doth long for thee
Cerulean swells on depth of endless sea.
Sweetest salty mist, as feathered wings on breast
Currents swell and laugh from creamy foame’d crests.
Enchanting be thy breath, brushed with zephyr’s bliss
Lips a whisper wait, seductive briny kiss.
Languid mantle green of emerald satin fair
Tangled tendrils wave as sultry maiden’s hair.
My lady’s subjects soar, crying out thy praise
As loyal to thee here as night is to the days.
Luscious kingdom blue thy gentle ways do keep,
Fairest lady grant to sinners what they reap.
Justice done to those, that have not reverence shown
To the ships a tatter; the howling gales blown
Writhing fury white, such foamy wrath you wield,
In wake of seething rage such sailors’ fates are sealed.
Restored thy peaceful bliss, my mistress ever wise
Rainbows grace thy breast, so sensuous your eyes.
Endless waves do break such lusty passion roars
Whispered temptress touch stroked o’er the velvet shores.
Crystal lady fair my heart yearns pure and true
Too long we’ve been parted, I thus return to you
Sea hawk’s wailing cry, give courage in thy breeze
See me now dear mistress on weary bended knees
Your haunting calls I’ve heard, they cannot be denied,
So glorious this life when you’ve been by my side
Thus one final request: Entwine my soul with thee,
I wish to be as you so set my spirit free.
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serrana reviewed Version 5 -
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This is beautiful, well written, and evocative of so much… I can almost smell the salt of the sea, and a longing is convincingly conveyed through the words… it lends itself lovingly to be read aloud… excellent work, really.
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Johnsienoel reviewed Version 5 -
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A beautiful poem and I wouldn’t change much…there are just a few places where the feet seem to be missing in your meter -
Too long (we have) been parted, I thus return to you
Fairest lady grant to sinners what (it is) they reap.
(Sea Tern’s) wailing cry, give courage in thy breeze {although I know a sea hawk is a jager gull the imagery feels odd with hawk in its place}
So glorious (was)this life when (you were) by my side
Thus one final request: (Final, this one request)
Merely suggestions mind you, it doesn’t really need much improvement
im_dragon_f8 reviewed Version 5 -
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I love the beauiful painting you create of the ocean and of what it does to you, with your words. Makes me sigh.
brahmasong reviewed Version 5 -
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i love this poem the imagery is very sensuos.but like the second line first stanza,the rhythm needs tightening.granted, it hard to make EVERY line rhyme and maintain the rhythm but hell nobody said it would be easy.beautiful poem.
thanx!
FolkLore reviewed Version 5 -
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I love the imagery created by the use of the poets words. I can literally see the picture the poet is painting.
GoreyGirl reviewed Version 5 -
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This was beautiful and the rhythm was entrancing which enhanced the tone of the piece. The only verse that I had to slightly work to fit in rhythm was S6 V2, but that was so very minute that I can’t really say it took away from the flow.
Mosaic_Creme reviewed Version 4 -
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I’ve said it before on Urbis, poetry is not a strong point for me. However, I can see that you have a strong base in the traditional rules of poetic form. Usually, I find the rules to be overly strict and hard to work with. I can honestly say that I think this may be one of the best poems I’ve seen in awhile. Certainly from someone who isn’t already well published (I presume, after all this is a help site and I am reviewing a currently anonymous author …).
I’m not well versed in Old English, but to me it seems that you have done an excellent job of keeping with the theme in this work. Though for some reason in this line “Justice done to those, that reverence have not shown” I think ‘have’ should be ‘hath’, shouldn’t it?
into_the_ground reviewed Version 4 -
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Beautifully written. I love your imagery, and the way your rhymes carry the poem, rather than distract from its meaning.
Some of my favorite lines:
“Languid mantle green of emerald satin fair
Tangled tendrils wave as sultry maiden’s hair.”
and
“Fairest lady grant to sinners what they reap.”
^This line suggested a depraved religious theme. I don’t know why but when I read it I connected the Our Father with Hail Mary, but in such a way that the individual is praying for damnation rather than forgiveness.
Nice work, I really enjoyed it.
DaltonRagnarok reviewed Version 4 -
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I thought the image you painted here came out very well with a lot of telling features although other than that it needs a little work. your flow seems to be a tad off
qtstorm reviewed Version 4 -
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The imagery is stunning. The “languid green mantle of emerald satin fair” shows the writer’s grasp of the art of description. The ocean is as a woman many tiered. In all the beauty that it entails, the sailor sings his final call bemoaning those that would not pay her respect and warning of those consequences, while begging for a final respite in her eternity. The ocean certainly can not deny such a request!
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