haha :) well, I was drunk when I wrote it. Thank you very much, both the read and comment are greatly appreciated.
Poetry / Because I am Drunk
Enough of being serious.
I am terrible at it, anyway.
I exist in constant contradiction
to myself, thus nonsense
is my genius. Stroke my ego.
I would love to return the favor.
Your words are the precipitation
of my dreams, without a cloud.
Who needs a rainbowed reality,
when the colors of my fantasy
are so very vivid?
Hallucinogenic creations in my mind,
a trip I would willingly ride to the end.
Pardon me, I suppose I may be
a bit too blunt. Perhaps I should
sit quietly, hand over my mouth.
But, that wouldn’t be much fun,
would it? After all, that is neither
the purpose of the hand,
or the mouth – at least not as I see it.
I am not an open book, I am a library
unwritten. Choose your own
(but make it me) adventure to read
by candlelight, as inhibitions
fade into the shadows, and the prism
does not need to reflect upon
the mirror. Refracted honesty.
Write the conclusion upon my thighs.
Disguises may seem enthralling.
Would a genie costume suit your fancy?
Wiggle my nose, and then my hips
to conjure up a bit of magic?
Or is that spark already there, hidden
in your glass of coy? Should I share
my bottle, and overflow you?
But you already know that my lips,
unveiled, would enchant with each sip.
Drink up, dear.
I will offer until you refuse.
My wine is red, and full-bodied.
Would you indulge with me, or
have I proven that I have, indeed,
already had too much of the real thing?
Ridiculous.
Is my dancing upon the table proof enough?
I will laugh at myself in the morning,
but will still mean every single word.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Dramatic, sensual and tight poetry.
A couple of things that irked me:
Hallucinogenic creations in my mind, (In my opinion, this is redundant. Hallucinations are by nature in the mind.)
(but make it me) adventure (The grammar of this is wonky. I know this is poetry, but shouldn’t “but make it me” come somewhere else?)
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eemer101 reviewed Version 1 -
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i really like the unpretentious way this poem is written. It seems like your thoughts have just flowed onto paper… as they do when you’re under the influence i guess :) It seems really raw, unfinished maybe but i like that style very much. The tone is skeptical yet amused, satirical yet romantic, and very vibrant. Captures the imagination very much.
linzeroni reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the feel of this. However, I feel that when you use questions, it takes away from the flow of the piece. I really loved the line that said ‘I am not an open book, I am a library
unwritten.’
That really stood out to me and I actually read it over to myself a few times. But, on the contrary, the line afterwards, ‘Choose your own
(but make it me) adventure to read’, the parenthesis really takes away from it and pulls you out of it. For me, it made me stop for a minute and I had to figure out what you meant there.
And, for a little more constructive criticism, It seems like the overall message of this is a little vague. I’m not really sure what I was supposed to take away from it. Every so often there would be a stanza that didn’t quite fit with the one before it.
Honestly though, I did like this. You word choices and sentence structure was well done. Keep writing!
Goddess2006 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the constant theme of contradictions and you stick to it faithfully throughout your piece. Your fifth stanza, however, isn’t as strong as the rest of the piece.. I feel the mention of the disguises, and genie movements trivialize your point, especially after the fourth stanza is extremely strong. Your ending is masterful.
nosebleed reviewed Version 1 -
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You have written an interesting poem here. The stanzas starkly different metaphors that all come back to the same thing are quite refreshing, and the in-sentence self contradictions help to set up an atmosphere of confusion, which goes well with the theme of being drunk.
roch1997 reviewed Version 1 -
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The third paragraph seems like it would have more flow if you took the “would it” out. As the writer you come off as strong in your opinions and thoughts that are mentioned throughout the poem. So I think the obmission would furthur strentgh your voice in this work. I really love wear you say, “After all, that is neither the purpose of the hand, or the mouth – at least not as I see it.” That is where I really got roped in.
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok. This isn’t poorly written, but it didn’t do anything for me. Not that that means anything about this piece, it just didn’t hold this (one) particular reader.
” I am not an open book, I am a library
unwritten. ” = ♥
And I get what you’re going for here, but
“Choose your own
(but make it me) adventure to read “
is pretty awkward. I’d think about dropping the aside, or shortening it. A ‘me!’ might be enough.
Second stanza is overdone. It sounds ike you’re trying too hard. I’d go back over that one and really niggle the word choices in it, make sure you’re completely happy w/them.
the fourth stanza—all the questions. I don’t know. The third in the series kills it for me. I think the first two (as a series) work, but the third etc becomes monotonous, for me. (And the fourth one sounds like a really disgusting cunt metaphor, combined w/the genie/bottle theme you have makes me think C Agulera. Thought you should know.)
So, basically we’ve got a love (sex) poem, b/c the narrator is finally free enough to say something, thanks to some drank (ha). Rock. So? It’s a narrative, which is fine, but I can’t get into it, as there’s nothing for me to grab onto, mentally. Does that follow? I need some imagery- literal, visual imagery. And I don’t mean body movements/motions.
Also, after the first stanza which the narrator admits s/he is aces w/silly (as is inferred by “enough w/serious” and “nonsense” lines), I don’t see much silliness.
Keep working at it. I think if you clean it up, really tighten it, you can make something AWESOME out of something that’s pretty good.
Luck & junk. Love, love.
MoulinCool reviewed Version 1 -
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Love it. Tons of great lines scattered throughout that are your own. Thanks for posting =]
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a fine start.
The line I like the best is, “I am not an open book, I am a library unwritten.”
I think what stood out to me as most interesting is that you have captured the drunkard ability to believe they are not drunk. A theory that comes crashing down in the last two sentences.
A couple of awkward lines:
“Choose your own (but make it me) adventure to read by candlelight, as inhibitions fade into the shadows, and the prism does not need to reflect upon
the mirror.”
Perhaps if you simplify this so you enhance the idea of the “library unwritten”. Not exactly sure how you do that, but this version seems to ramble a bit.
Overall, very nice. I enjoyed.
josiehellyes reviewed Version 1 -
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your ability to look at the situation, as well as yourself is a refreshing self awareness. i think it’s important to keep laughing, esp. at yourself. your style was intersting as well, overall..good job!
may inspiration and creativity wrap you like a warm burrito
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