Short Story / The Panties of a Prostitute
The locket hangs heavy around Rebecca’s neck. Its antiquity out of place with her scant attire. She twirls it in her hand. Inspecting the monogram on the back. Her mother’s initials worn and barely visible on its lackluster white gold. She wears it as a reminder of a better time. A time when her mother was still alive, and her father wasn’t an abusive alcoholic. The night’s cold is biting. She wonders if she would really lose business if she wore more clothes. John’s would have to understand its cold outside. Richie, her pimp, would hear none of that though.
A tall man emerges from around the wall she is leaning on. She glances him over. He is a handsome man, broad shouldered and clean cut. He walks over to her with a swiftness in his step. Almost an anxiety about him. He speaks to her uneasy. As though he were unsure of what to say. This is pleasing to Rebecca. No way this guy is a cop. Those guys couldn’t fool her if they tried. She knows a john when she sees one. This was definitely a john, a nervous one, but a john none the less. She tells him not to worry. Just to follow her.
She leads him to the run down building her and the other girls use. She tells him to go talk to Timmy. Timmy was their guard. The client paid him and then Jimmy started the clock. An hour later Timmy came and knocked on the door. Simple. Timmy gave her the nod and she quickened her pace.
She was actually excited about this one. He was worth a freebie, but of course that’s not how business is done. She reaches room 2C. Her room. She opens the door and invites the john in. The shades a re drawn and there is a cover on the lamp giving the room a soft glow. Good ambience begets repeat customers. Well that and good……
The john comes in the room and closes the door. Rebecca has a seat on the bed. She suggestively pats next to her. The john removes his jacket. He makes no move closer to her. She starts to remove her shirt, but the john grunts negatively. He continues to stare at her. For the first time she notices his eyes. Deep blue. Memorizing. She can’t bring herself to look away.
“I was sent by your mother.” says the john in his deep silky voice.
“My mother is dead” replies Rebecca still locked in his gaze.
“I am aware. She disapproves of your current……situation. More specifically your employment.”
Rebecca is shocked. How dare this guy say something like that. He expects her to believe he converses with the dead. He probably does this for kicks. Comes around and finds young girls who turn tricks and tries to make them feel bad for how they are forced to live. What the hell could she do? She can’t go home. No way is she going to a shelter. This is her only option. She wants to get up and smack him, but she finds herself unable. Still captured by his gaze. She can’t bring herself to move. She might lose sight of those eyes. Everything else becomes blurry now. Only his eyes are clear.
“Well what would she prefer I do?” she asks trying to buy time until she can break his stare.
“Anything. Death is preferable to this.”
“I will not go home to be raped and beat again. I have not been raped in over a year and I will never be raped again.”
“She accepts that.” replies the man.
“Well what then?!” she demands.
“You will find something else.” his answer.
“Easy for you to say. There is nothing else. Now will you get the hell out of here before I call Timmy in here. He is not a nice man.”
“Your threats only exacerbate things Rebecca. Now we are done talking.”
Everything fades to black now. Only his eyes remain. Rebecca is sent reeling. She tries to scream but can’t. She can neither move nor scream. All she has is his eyes. Completely enveloping her vision now. Their deep blue now terrifying. Full of rage. Crystalline and demonic. Perhaps this man does converse with her mother. No. Her mother would understand. She would have to. She wouldn’t want Rebecca in a home where her own father raped her on a near daily basis.
Rebecca cries internally for her mother. Her mother gone for so long. All she has left is the locket. Her only connection to her mother a tiny piece of metal that hangs around her neck. If only her mother would come to save her. She calls for her in her mind. Screaming. Pleading. Now the eyes are gone. Blackness all that remains.
When she awakens the man is gone. Was it a man? A demon? Her thighs are on fire. The familiar feeling is back. Degradation. She said it would never happen again. Tears come streaming down her cheeks. As she sobs she reaches up to hold the locket. To hold the memory of her mother in her hands. To find comfort in the lettering on its tattered backside. She finds nothing. The locket is gone. The man must have stolen it. Taken her pride, her memories, her mother. Taken everything with his eyes
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I think, for the most part, the fragments are working. The one that stuck out for me as awkward was the bit of back story injected seemingly randomly into the first paragraph. ”a better time…” The sentence proceeding that doesn’t particularly add anything to the story. If anything, it feels like it’s there only to force a mood on the piece. It breaks up the flow of the paragraph.
There’s another fragment that’s a bit puzzling. Right after the line about ambiance you say, “that and good…” The story is already called The Panties of a Prostitute. There’s really no need to be elusive or coy when mentioning sex. It almost feels childish.
The entire plot sequence in the room is cryptic. I would love some clarification. Was the man good or bad? Was he really sent by her mother? Was Rebecca crazy? There’s a lot of room open for interpretation.
You tell a great story and the reader can become invested in your characters in a short period of time – however, they’re left with more questions than answers. With a little clarification, I think this can be a great piece.
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The story is rushed at the end. It was a very good build up and then the event with the strange man was over before it started. I suggest expanding on it. It was an exciting part.
I found no grammar or punctuation issues to correct. I normally find many.
I am confused about this one…unless she is finishing up to take on this next customer but perhaps you can find a way to articulate that more clearly.
”She was actually excited about this one. He was worth a freebie, but of course that’s not how business is done. She reaches room 2C. Her room. She opens the door and invites the john in.” – I thought the pimp had already knocked on the door to tell here time was up.
Loads of luck and I would love to see a revised copy if you choose to do so.
Cheers!
I’ll write in the (bossy) imperative for brevity. But I mean “At least consider this…”:
Replace the full stop after ‘neck’ with a comma. It’s the same clause.
Ditto replace the fullstop after ‘her hand’ with a comma (please don’t think you’re being stylish (‘fragments’) – both full stops are just wrong, and stylistically unenhancing anyway given the brevity of the surrounding sentences. Grammar errors – even fragmentary ones – are not particularly stylish).
its cold < it’s
step. Almost < full stop not wrong this time, but a comma more optimal
uneasy. < uneasily
uneasy. As though < full stop wrong again (I won;t mention any more of these, in case you don;’t want)
her and the other < replace and with ‘that’ (i assume)
to Timmy. Timmy was their guard. < why not just ‘Timmy, their guard’
hyphenate re-drawn or make one word
She suggestively pats next to her < either you mean ‘next to him’, or ‘herself’ but the latter is still clumsy (as is the current structure of the sentence)
Memorizing. < do you mean ‘mesmerising’
I like the ‘mother dead acting through a mmiedium to her hooker daughter concept’ – original
will you get < either make imperative (Now get the hell…) or insert question mark as you’ve used ‘will’. Imperative is better as it conveys her anger better.
So the mother stole the locket? Not bad.
I’ll be honest, i’m not a fan of present tense unless it’s in first person so am a bitprejudiced. It just sounds pretentious to me. I certainly think the fragmentary sentences are a disaster (when they’re grammatically wrong, i mean, not per se), but the occasional person won’t. It’s like stalling a car every 10 seconds.
Really liked the concept but not the execution. You could make her vile life a lot sharper to us. Describe her more originally. Coonvey brutality brutally, so to speak.
If you could shed the insistence on grammatically incorrect fragments, if you made the dialogue more sophisticated and her life mor vividly vulgar, you have a great concept to work with. Hope this helps.
You have an interesting idea here, but I think the most crucial element you are lacking is detail. Much of the story is telling rather than showing. I know that is a cliche in short story writing, but I felt like as a reader I was being told every detail rather than being allowed to see it through strong visual description. This leads to the characters coming across as a little flat. The john should intimidate the reader just as much as he is intimidating Rebecca. I wanted to know more about him and I wanted to know more about Rebecca as well. It seems the drunk father is a character that appears much too often in short stories, so if you are going to keep him, I think there needs to be some deeper element to him. Does he drink because his wife is dead? Why does he abuse Rebecca? Why does she have no other options but to be a prostitute? I mean, anyone can get a job at a convenience store or a fast food joint, so what is stopping her? She’s ashamed of what she does but makes no effort to change who she is. If you want the reader to have an emotional connection to her, we need to know why she is here and not somewhere else. As I said, you have a strong idea here, but it needs a little polishing. Good luck.
The story is passionate and very well portrayed, but there are several problems and I give examples of only a few:
The sentences that start with “She twirls” and “Inspecting” can be combined so they aren’t as choppy.
“initials worn” needs the word “are” in between or the sentence sounds fragmented.
“John’s” the apostrophe is incorrect since it is a plural, not possessive.
“her uneasy. As though ” should be a comma instead of a period.
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