This is only a part of the battle that takes place and a piece of the chapter. Once again I must say it is important to read the notes to reviewers. It will give you a better insight on the writing. If you were reading the book at this point you would be filled with their emotions.
Novel Treatments / Bullets and Bandages-Into The Breach (Analysis)
We were just about finished with our two-hour watch when a trip flare went off at the 1st Marine perimeter. Suddenly! I heard a loud detonation as we ran for cover.
Sergeant Green yelled out, “Gentleman here we go again!” The trip flares started popping up into the night sky. Green issued the command to hold fire as the fireworks started at the Marine position. We all just watched and waited. My nerves were on a fine edge. It was a flood of emotions for me, feeling both fear and exhillarartion at the same instant. I do not know if it is possible to describe the scene that was unfolding before us, but it is still to this day, in my mind’s eye.
There were the bright white flashes of the Claymores mixed in with the fluttering glare of the trip flares as they floated above. It illuminated the fleeting image of the NVA troops scurrying around the wire. The barrage of rockets and mortars were streaming and exploding as the enemey came at the Marines.
From the Marine position came a rain of heavy machine gun fire, M-60 and 50 cal. Their white-hot tracers lancing into the advancing enemy. Add to that, three platoons of assorted heavy weapons fire, flashing and exploding out from their perimeter. The urge for us to add to the fray was almost unbearable, but thank God no one did.
The first wave of the NVA was cut to pieces as they struggled to make it up the hill and through the wire. The firing slowed down to a few sporadic bursts here and there as the smoke slowly drifted over us. The unique and unmistakable smell of the battlefield. I could hear the screams and cries from the distance, as the enemy retreated with their wounded. We dug in deeper and loaded up on some extra ammo. Not a sound or a move out there, only the cold-black night. I noticed my hands were shaking again. I tried to calm myself as I prayed for us to make it through the night. I had a bad feeling it would be our turn next.
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dpak reviewed Version 3 -
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I am not sure how this work is going to be structured overall, but I got the impression that it was all over too quickly. It was like a kind of top-level summary of events. There were a few rather perfunctory statements of fact, a matter-of-fact statement of the author’s “nerves” a statement of Sergeant Green (“Gentleman here we go again!”) that suggests he has a nice sense of battle-hardened irony.
But what was lacking was any real evocation of the emotions and the horrors and hardships of war. Yes there were statements like “their white-hot tracers lancing into the advancing enemy,” and a countervailing reference: “The first wave of the NVA was cut to pieces as they struggled to make it up the hill.” But what we need a few “close-ups”, a reference to a wounded NVA (an individual not just one of a mountain of human ants) and maybe an example of soldierly camaradarie. All we get here is a very flat narrative of events.
Also some of the statements are not clear. E.G. “The urge for us to add to the fray was almost unbearable, but thank God no one did.” Why did no one add to the fray? Why “Thank God”?
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tc1966 reviewed Version 3 -
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very enjoyable piece. very descriptive, you could feel as if you were right there with the characters and felt what they were feeling.
moon reviewed Version 3 -
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Hi
I like the wy the chapter ends – with a hook so one wants to read on. Your writing is pretty sound and grammar fine, but don’t you think the chapter should be much longer? And more should happen in this chapter which is mainly description of the battlefield. What about your protag’s emotions and feelings? Does he think of home or a sweetheart, or death? When hsi hands shake, tell us exactly why. If it’s fear, focus on the fear.
Best
Moon
JDAnon reviewed Version 3 -
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I don’t really like war novels, but I am fascinated by Vietnam and I enjoy well written prose.
Here you pull off both the latter- you create the amazing atmosphere of Vietnam (as I imagine it, I wasn’t there) and you have a pacey, gripping style.
dickuhne reviewed Version 3 -
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It’s very hard to describe this kind of battlefield accurately. But I think you’ve done and admirable job. I would suggest that you may try to use the the sound of words to convey the carnage a little more than the words themselves, if that makes sense. Consonants and sharp vowels might make the scene a little more immediate.
Lirpastar reviewed Version 3 -
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There are some grammatical errors in your story you might want to look at. I just feel like I’ve read this story or seen this movie too many times. If you are going to describe something like this, its really got to be memorable or else no one will be interested. I’m sorry, it just didn’t hold my attention.
NancyAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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We all is redundant. We would be sufficient. At the “Marines”, or at “us?” I seemed to have difficulty staying with the narrator. Did you switch in the middle? It could be a good scene especially for someone who has experienced war. For me, I need a little more description to make me feel perhaps fear and excitement, fatigue?
Pritsos reviewed Version 2 -
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This is an interesting piece, and I would have to say something that I did not expect on this website. There are a couple of grammatical errors, though I’m sure I did not nab them all there was one in particular that agitated me. “Suddenly! I heard a loud…” is not grammatically correct. If you want to use suddenly, you have to say it just as “Suddenly I heard a loud…” Otherwise you have two sentences, one only being a single word long. Overall your story was good and did put me in the moment, but you need to have a bit more to gather attention because I felt myself drifting a bit. Since it’s as short as it is that is not a good sign. Good luck in the future.
andersda reviewed Version 2 -
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I can’t tell if you’ve seen action before, or not. Your age puts you right at the tail end of the lottery in 1972. If you haven’t you should talk to as many grunts as you can. Record them like Studs Turkel did with his subjects and go from there. You should be able to feel this piece – to have the hairs go up on the back of your neck as you pray to god in the yellow wavering light of the flares that if something goes wrong, it’s someone else who is taken by the sharpshooters bullet, and not you.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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This could be a treatment for a particular scene, but it’s not a treatment for the whole novel. Have you decided who is the protagonist? Have you worked out what his story will be?
My proofreading notes:
enemey = enemy
machine gun fire = machine-gun fire
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