Journal, Diary, & Blogging / GOD

If today was a Sunday it would be God’s day so I shouldn’t be working.

Only it isn’t a Sunday and I don’t believe in God . . .

Sure, I am open to be convinced (clouds that looks like ‘I AM GOD’ would do), but I have a number of basic problems with the idea:

1. If God exists, does he age? How old is he? 4 and a half? 14? 428 billion trillion? (Bloody big cake for all those candles.) If he does age, that must mean he will die. When? Tomorrow? Now? Is he having a heart attack right now? Or is he already dead? If he’s still alive, what will happen to the universe when he does die? Who will pay for the burial? The galaxy-sized coffin? The beer? Where the hell will he be buried? Canada? Will he pay death duty? Who to? Has he filled in the form correctly AND remembered to sign and date and leave his date of birth? If he can die that must also mean he was born: who was his father? Darth Vader? Kermit the Frog? Simon Cowell? Who was his mother? Julie Andrews? Mary Poppins? Miss Piggy? Was he born in a state hospital or was it a privately funded birth? (Who paid?) If he was born, does he have a hot blonde with no morals for a sister? Or a ginger cousin with too many freckles and limp? Who are his parents? And why have they left him Home Alone for so long? No wonder he made earthquakes.

2. If God exists, where is he? All around, floating like a cloud? Inside every one of us, including flowers, bees and Paris Hilton? (Lucky bugger.) Does he like spaghetti? Does he drive a Prius? Where does God live? In each and every one of us? What, including those pesky Islam terrorists? Or just in the souls of the lovely (donating) Christians? Does he live in California? Peckham? On a shelf in my cupboard? Up my nostrils? In a tower block? In my keyboard? (Sorry, God.)

3. If God exists, what is he made from? Gas? Plastic? The fluff you find underneath the sofa? The gases of a fart? Is he made out of flesh and bones? Dandruff? Hershey bars? The bits of soap that are always left in the bath that are too big for the plug yet are so small you can’t use the bloody bits for anything? Is he made from a material called God™?

4. If God exists, what does he look like? Big flowing white beard? Backward baseball cap? Stan Laurel? Dilbert? Charlton Heston? Does he have a tattoo? Spectacles? Is he black? Is he a she? Has he had a sex change? Is God heterosexual or homosexual or metrosexual or asexual or one of those cross-dressing transgender types? Is God gay? What if God is a black lesbian single mother? Would YOU still pray?

5. If God has always existed since the dawn of time, what did he do before creating the universe? Play Monopoly with the Devil? Skateboard? Watch Friends DVDs with a six-pack and some Pringles (Sour Cream and Onion flavour)? And before he created the universe where was he? In a cloud? Up a chimney? Detroit?

6. If God exists, why did he create Earth and then bother to create the rest of the universe? We’re talking billions of stars we the human race will never, ever travel to because they’re millions of light years away. So what’s the point of creating them? (We can’t even see most of them.) Did he do it for a laugh? A bet? Did he create George W Bush for a bet? (He lost and so did we.) I bet God prefers to watch old Cindy Crawford VHS keep-fit videos than create any more of those fiddly star clusters.

7. If God exists, why not leave some incontrovertible evidence of this? Why not a 100-mile high black obelisk in the middle of the Atlantic? (Something even the 2001: A Space Odyssey apes would have been impressed with.) Or shape Canada like ‘G’, America like ‘O’ and Brazil like ‘D’ so it’s pretty bloody clear he’s around thank you very much? Think of the millions of people who would not have been killed in wars had God left a permanent irrefutable reminder of his existence. The remains of a giant BigMac for example.

8. If God exists, why does he not prevent nations from fighting each other? Does he not care? If I made people with little biddy eyes and lungs and cute noses I wouldn’t want them to be shooting and stabbing and raping each other – although to be fair I haven’t visited Los Angeles for ages. Is he too preoccupied to stop the wars? Not at all bothered about us killing each other? Does he have a hangover and is still trying to find the remote for the TV? Is he too busy trying to build hotels on Old Kent Road and Vine Street? Is he having sex on a sofa with Mrs God? Or Mr God? Or Mr and Mrs God?

9. If God exists, is he still here? Or has he gone on holiday to San Francisco? He’d have a pretty big carbon footprint. I think he’d be more of a Hawaii God myself, chilling out next to the waves, suntan lotion in one hand, bottle of Budweiser in the other, stretched out on the beach catching the rays and listening to his iPod Beach Boys tunes. Send me a postcard . . .

10. There isn’t point 10 other than it looks better with 10 points ;-)

Anyway, I don’t want to insult – unless I’ve had a few beers you bastard – and only want people to think, which is certainly what 95% of everyone I meet (in Dilbert World) does not do.

Does God exist?

Discuss (25 marks).

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bing_can_b_good avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

bing_can_b_good

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Well, i tried to read it by your notes for review but I got stuck at point 8. Actually, I got stuck at point 7 but I was prepared to let that one slide. The fact that you wrote this at work makes it even more enjoyable to read. Personal beliefs aside, I’m not sure how to critique a journal/blog type entry. Except to say I love reading it, laughed often and appreciated the depth of some of your questions. Thanks for writing.

wanderer avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

wanderer

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Well, as a piece of literature, I think the idea is good and a lot of the parts work pretty well, but to me as a reader there is too much redundancy. For example, you allude to God drinking a beer many times, or portray God as a “macho” guy many times, even throughout different points. When you take a question like “does God age?” and then ask a series of 10 or so questions that all have to do with Him aging, I find it a little tedious, not because the writing isn’t interesting, but because nobody thinks that God ages, and you give no reason to think He does. Perhaps if you said something like “I cannot see how anything can have no beginning, since everything I know of has a beginning” and then go in to that section. Although it isn’t a good argument it is a reason for there to be a long discourse about what it would be like if God aged.

If this were a piece you read at a philosophy or theology conference or something like that, I think you would probably be dismissed immediately as someone who can’t participate in conversation. You allude to the problem of evil in the latter sections which is good, since that has been a pretty huge topic of debate when it comes to theism, however the way you treat most of your questions that are somewhat legitimate, is too nonsensical. Your point about the huge obelisk I think was the most significant part and is a good observation, namely that “why doesn’t God do something to the world that let’s us keep our free will but also make us do less evil things.”

Lin avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

Lin

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So many questions & the answers that different religions & philosphers & scientists give or don’t give are not no more nor less valid than your catalogue. Your comment about the clouds is probably the most interesting as people are 60% water & clouds are water vapour floating around in the sky. Without water & the sun there would be no life on earth.

robthebank avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

robthebank

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This activity seems like a tremendous way to waste time at work, you are correct.  I’m not really sure how to critique a journal/blog, so I suppose in terms of form and technical mastery everything is fine for the reason that it is the way you chose it to be.  

As for the content, I’m afraid that as is, your ideas are banal and contrived, particularly since I don’t know you.  No, there is no tangible form for us to access when it comes to perceiving god.  Yes, horrible things happen in a world that seems as if it could not have any type of supreme guidence.  However, those who believe in God choose to do just that.  Believe.  Beliefs, by definition cannot be proven or in many cases rationalized.  One may choose to believe in God based on a gut feeling – an instinct or perception of a presence.  One may choose to believe in God because a religion instructs him to do so.  One may choose to believe in God, simply because the world around him is too intimidating not to.  So here are various reasons why some people do believe.  I think, if you want to make these musings into something stronger or something that other people would be interested in reading or publishing, you must either elaborate or be funnier.  Not that your pop culture references didn’t make me chuckle.  For the various thinkers that have sought out, more successfully to prove the same point you make, it took entire bodies of literature, and in many cases entire lifetimes dedicated to just that one point.  It was even necessary to develop entire schools of thought.  God may exist or he (or she) may not.  This is not the point.  The point is that you need to try harder.

Doogy_Rev_Brothers avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

Doogy_Rev_Brothers

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Ha ha – good stuff, I’ve read a lot on the arguments for and against the existence of the unprovable sky fairy – but none quite as amusing and good humoured as yours. I’ve had lengthy discussions with a creationist at work just because I was curious to understand the mentality that prefers willful ignorance over seeking out the truth by asking questions. It was a good discussion between ordinary old me and someone who in his past has been a preacher and claims to have had a ‘personal relationship’ with God. In the end and after over 10000 emailed words – ( I wont copy and paste them into this review…) the discussion came to an end when I offered him this premise:
Science can not categorically disprove God (nor does it seek to do this – despite what creationists may think) nor can theists categorically prove God. So we could argue that the chances of there being a creator are 50/50. If we then postulate that Hindus have as much of a claim to Brahma being the correct Creator, then Yahweh slips down to having just 25% chance of existing. Do the same for any of the other ‘Creator Gods’ civilizations have dreamt up over the years and Yahweh slips even further down the pecking order.  Now, if you were to gamble on one of two outcomes being true and one had a 50% chance, and one had (perhaps significantly) less than 25% chance – where would you place your money/life?
This piece of yours is bound to get a few backs up – people take their beliefs far too seriously so remember:
As much as beliefs are interesting  they aren’t particularly important, I prefer to ascribe to the primacy of person over doctrine – how you live your life, and how you behave towards others takes precedence over any dogma (religious or scientific) – the sooner we as humans realise this, the sooner we can stop bombing, persecuting and waging wars on each other….

Do I get the 25 marks?

Brynn avatar General Stranger

January 24, 2008

Brynn

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TENS ACROSS! lol well done! I laughed my ass off, more than I have laughed here in a long time! WONDERFUL! those are all things that I know I have wondered about no matter how trivial, and am sure plenty of others have as well.
Suggestion: Paragraph one you ask who his parents are…piggy?Kermit? etc. But then right after you list them, you ask the question again. Seemed a bit redundant. Other than that, superb, loved it! Cannot wait to read more of your sutff!

Jacob_Syko avatar General Stranger

January 23, 2008

Jacob_Syko

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I like it! Especially the Paris Hilton thing. Although, she’s a bit too skinny for my tastes…. Back on topic, I truly do like it. I’ve thought of the same things myself. I mean, surely God doesn’t age. He can’t. Right? But, if He doesn’t age, then why the super long beard and white hair? Just for show? Does He rally have a hot six pack and golden blond hair and a cliche Cali accent?

I_Like_Rice avatar General Stranger

January 23, 2008

I_Like_Rice

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Your words flow very well and their rhythm is excellent. The questions asked however didn’t raise any serious questions in myself or even any doubts or answers.
So as an light entertaining read – this is good. It does make one chuckle lightly.
As any sort of serious discussion or read (a serious undertone is always present when one talks of religion), it really is quite lame (in it’s content).
The questions are not asked philosophically, they are asked with an answer already in mind and an inability to consider other possibilites (like a non interventional god, or a wrathful hateful god who likes to watch us suffer). A series of blogs on this topic asking questions til only a few answers are left would be very entertaining.