thank you amanda. really you are too kind.
;)
Poetry / Fangs
Once i met a guy
who complimented my teeth,
which i was self conscious of.
He said that my grin reminded him
of an anorexic vampire,
in a sexy sorta way.
Then he asked to see my fingernails &
i never did decide who the odd one was,
him for asking or me for showing.
Either way, when i saw him after that
i always covered my smile &
wondered if my nails were clean.
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Butterat_Zool reviewed Version 2 -
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A fun little piece which gains tons through its brevity. The “anorexic vampire” line sounds a little creepy. I wonder if somewhere online, there’s a blog or poem from the guy saying like “I finally met my dream girl – Healthy teeth and nails. She’s getting plenty of calcium in her diet.”
Considering the intent of the poem, you don’t really need to change anything. It already achieves its goal. I like that you used the ampersand instead of writing out “and”. I think that adds to the anecdotal mood of the story. If you were going to publish this, I would suggest removing the “either way” at the start of the last stanza, and “self conscious” needs a hyphen, but for this site, it does its job nicely.
BZ.
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StevenKing reviewed Version 2 -
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This story was funny because the poem described a man trying to hit on you but he said all the wrong things. Next time I guess he will know how to talk to a young lady the proper way. I liked the way you took this moment and turned it into a work of art that shows you have talent because you made something out of an event that can happen everyday.
Amanda reviewed Version 2 -
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This is excellent. Slice of life poetry at its best.
The dry tone is perfect throughout and mirrors the profundity that exists in the everyday. On top of that, this piece, while direct and clear in its description, is open to various interpretations – depending on the angle from which the reader has experienced such encounters, be it the speaker’s or he who gave the compliment. I absolutely love this.
Brien_James_Dawson reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this works better as a piece of dialogue from a story than it does a poem. It’s a odd ball story and that great, it’s just the way it was exacuted that lacks in my opinion.
The third stanza is the best, that’s some funny stuff right there.
Brynn reviewed Version 2 -
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This is certainly interesting. LOL something I definately never would have thought of. Although it made me laugh at the end, the rest I found rather shallow and a bit…one dimensional.
Suggestions: Use WORDS instead of symbols. And not &
Capitalize I’s
The first two lines made me curious, where is this leading. BUT the third kinda shut me out. But other than that, cute, and funny as we all have our odd subconscious ways of covering our insecurities. Maybe add a stanze before the last one about why he asked to see your hands. Maybe its just me, but I was a little confused at the whole hand thing. Good luck with it!
Eve
badhabits reviewed Version 2 -
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This was very charming and made me smile. You have definitely captured your own innocence in this piece. Very nice. Thank you for sharing. I tend to like quirky teeth as well.
qtstorm reviewed Version 2 -
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I think the poem had a nice flow to it. The intent was compliment the result was opposite of that. The ending is very good showing that sometimes good intentions would be better off without actions.
Afterlight reviewed Version 2 -
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This makes me smile. The second stanza especially. How strange people can be.
supra_speed reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece was entertaining only as far as warming up a heart. which is good i just think that it shouldn’t be poetry because you’re telling a little story, not writing a poem. consider studying poetry a bit more and how other authors break down everything thats written and consider a rewrite of this piece. thanks for sharing.
mash reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve given a 10 in the “Amuse/Entertain…” category, which has never happened before. This was real and exposing, like when a skirt is caught in your pantyhose and your ass is showing – it’s serious but not so lofty that it can’t be amusing. Nice, sturdy words that read like you’re remembering the situation, not like you’ve manufactured a “pretty” word group and called it poetry.
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