Short Story / A Walk In The Park
It was the perfect night. Justin and Patience were taking a walk under the full moon in Central
Park. It was well lit and the street lamps were shining down on the trees, adding to the beautiful colors of
the fall leaves.
Red, yellow, and orange crunched beneath their feet as the young couple passed bike-riders, more
couples, and children playing along the path ahead of them. Patience, a young woman of twenty-four, with
waste length, light brown hair, and deep brown eyes was holding the hand of her boyfriend of four years.
Justin was a very attractive man; however, a very plain looking man. Standing about six foot even, fairly
slender, with dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, and glasses. Patience had also been pretty thin as well…115
pounds or so. Therefore, any sudden weight gain was quite noticeable. She had known for a little over a
month that she was pregnant, but was waiting for the right moment to tell Justin.
She planned that wonderful night, eating at the pizzeria where they had their first date, and later
taking a walk through the very park in which they had met. Patience pulled Justin over to a bench, where
hey both sat down. She kissed him.
“Do you remember?” she asked.
“Our fist kiss. Of course I remember.”
Patience smiled, then kissed Justin She pulled a small pocket knife out of her purse. “What are
you doing?” Justin asked. But Patience said nothing as she pointed to the spot on the center of the bench
seat where they had carved: “JUSTIN & PATIENCE” a few years earlier. Patience looked up at Justin and
flashed him a small smile. She then took the knife and carved: “& BABY.”
Justin looked at the love of his life with tears in his eyes and said, “You’re…”
“Pregnant.” Patienece finished.
“We’re gonna have a baby!” Justin jumped up, swept Patience up, and spun around with her in his
arms, both of them crying, and laughing. Justin lowered the soon-to-be mother of his child back to the
ground, and said, “First thing in the morning we’re going to shopping! We need clothes, toys, furniture!
Oh my God, we need a bigger place! Patience, I want to marry you!”
Patience laughed. “Soon. Can we just relax first…Call people, tell them. Then we’ll worry about
the rest?” Just then, a short, hispanic man, wearing a thick, black, oversized coat and a brown beanie ran
past Justin, and bumped into Patience nearly knocking her over. Then, a loud bang roared through the park.
Justin turned and yelled, “HEY” He pointed to Patience. The hispanic man continued to run,
however, looking back every now and then.
Patience looked down at Justin’s shirt. “Why are you bleeding?” she asked him. But before he
could say a word, Justin collapsed to the ground. Only a moment later, Patience collapsed at his side.
“Justin Oh God…Justin” she cried out as she desperately shook Justin’s lifeless
body.
Another hispanic man, only taller than the last, and better dressed ran past, chasing the first man.
He was carrying a gun. A crowd began to gather around the young, now single mother, and shell that was
once the father of her child. The moon still shone down on them, as Justin’s blood poured onto the red,
orange, and yellow fall leaves. As an elderly man pulled out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1, Patience
stared blankly at the bench where she and Justin shared their first and last kiss.
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I don’t understand why the Hispanic man shot Justin. I also don’t understand what your descriptions did for the individuals in the story. Every word needs a purpose, and I think many of your words were superfluous. Trim it down, give it more purpose.
-John
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2nd paragraph “waist” not “waste”.. Sentence beginning “Standing..” is a fragment. The descriptions of your characters strikes me as awkward… more like a milk carton would describe a person. The scene with the bench, however is very sweet.
I’m in the second half now.. very unexpected twist. The red of the blood running into the leaves is a great image. Your work ended well too.
Overall, I felt the need for more of a build-up, maybe a few days of their lives, and then this would have devasted me much more.
Good story, great twist!
So sad. Good descriptions of the leaves. Very visual. But I think the death comes out of nowhere. The surprise factor is okay, but maybe let’s spend a little more time getting to know Justin and Patience before Justin dies. Maybe instead of us being told about their first date and the carving on the bench, let’s see it happen, via flashes or some other device. That will make Justin’s death more powerful in my opinion.
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