Thank you :)
Poetry / Coffee on the veranda
Diverting my nervous eyes
from your gaze,
fingers twirl;
eyes study the sunlight
braiding itself into my hair.
I timidly glance to see
if you notice it, too.
Wondering
how Ethiopia flavors your lips,
I blush at my own imaginings.
...It might not be so awkward
were these tables a bit wider.
The accidental touch
of hands between coffee cups.
The brush of knees…
tension below the table-top,
an intricate impulse
beneath the thin, stained cloth.
Still, just as in those moments when
a millimeter ignites upon skin,
waiting for distances to collapse;
those moments that seem
to drag on
forever,
our distance is seemingly infinite,
though we’re only a breath apart.
We have both been here before
looking for distraction in caffeine smiles,
hiding real thoughts in small talk.
Two more strangers
in this city of strangers;
this happenstance of communion,
this small space on the crowded
veranda.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Butterat_Zool reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
City of strangers… Man, is it ever. My favorite line was “Wondering/ how Ethiopia flavors your lips”. Very clever.
I thought the word “table-top” broke your tone a bit. It sounded childlike in a very adult poem. I like the way cutting that line to just “tension below” sounds, but that risks bringing in more deeply sexual connotations than you’ve introduced in the rest of the poem. That’s a comma, not a semicolon after “collapse”, same after “strangers” at the bottom.
I like the effect you get by using ellipses to draw out the tension. I love that “the accidental touch” got its own stanza, but i think that giving “forever” its own stanza draws that delay out too long. Try giving it just a line break, and i think it’ll better fit your image.
I would also pull out the word “seemingly” in stanza 8, but it feels like i’m getting really picky by saying that. I tore up the last poem i reviewed (saw your two cents there too after i posted it), so as always it’s a great delight to read something from you that evokes real thought and emotion. If only more people in our city of strangers shared your gift… Hope you’re well!
BZ.
- add/view comments (0)
brahmasong reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i like the rubato kind of feel to this piece the form works very well in guidung the reader as to interpretation,or,phrasing perhaps.well you got ME all worked up!nice imagery and easily visualized!
well done!
gavinscotts reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i enjoyed it though for some reason i didn’t feel like i was really there. like i only recieved a tendril of the emotion behind the masked nonchalance. maybe you meant it that way, i’m not sure. i did enjoy it. it was well written and promises better things. i hope you’ll continue writing.
linzeroni reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wonderful. I loved this! It really gave me a sense of Euphoria. I want to know more. I like the way you laid it out.
JganJay reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow, I love it because I can see and feel every moment this poem describes. This does what poetry is suppose to, make you feel the moment.
I struggled with the lines:
“Still, just as in those moments when
a millimeter ignites upon skin,”
Maybe I am misreading this part but it does not seem to flow well with the rest of the poem. I hit these lines like a rock in a stream and seemed to loose the feel of the poem for a moment.
Overall it was an enjoyable read.
Goddess2006 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The stanza that begins with “Still..” is very strong, perhaps the strongest in the piece. I feel like there’s too much space until the accidental touch; I don’t need that much of a lead-in. The only thing that stood out at me flow-wise was if he’s a stranger, as you suggest toward the end of the stanza beginning with “We have..”, how can you both have been there before? If you have, he would no longer be a stranger. Good read!
gainor reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I find the imagery in this poem quite breathtaking and the progression of the poetic story to be comfortable and yet tense. Enjoyed it very much!
Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Like it very much. Exquisite capture of the essence of the moment.
Osiris reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really enjoyed this. I didn’t see any grammatical or spelling errors at all. I enjoyed the descriptions of the sun and the table cloth, and overall the imagery of the piece was amazing. The only thing I would suggest, is to somehow add a little more emotion to this piece, I feel relatively nothing coming from you when I read it.
Paradise0627 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
You can really feel the tenison grow as the poem goes on. I also really liked how you used the distraction of the coffee to try and bring away from the tension as it was growing larger between the two people. I felt it was very well written and I enjoyed reading it.
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 13 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 10 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 86 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
