Thanks for reading. This is far from finished, it’s just that start at this stage. The character will be going into (or lamenting about) what happened to him pretty much right after this section. I was just putting the start up to get some feedback.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / There lies the silent man / Lies of the silent man
I have dreams, I have things I want to achieve, things I want to do more than anything. Working towards them would make me happy, but I can’t take myself from thinking about them to doing them. All I can do is dream. I don’t know what it is lately, and by lately I mean the last few years, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything. It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s not that I’m unmotivated or think I have all the time in the world. It’s quite the opposite, everyday that goes by I know is a day of my life I have lived with my dream unfulfilled. I can’t seem to make my actions contribute towards what I want. I have a giant padlock wrapped around me, it clenches so tight I can do nothing except walk around aimlessly. These days a big action for me is to walk down the road and buy some groceries, I manage that feat every three or four weeks. I spend the rest if energy getting to work a few times a week. It’s all I can manage.
I don’t know what happened to me… actually that’s not true, I know what happened. The thing is I don’t know when it happened or how it happened without me noticing. So slowly, so noticeably slow that I thought I had what it took to handle it, but fact is I am now empty, I have nothing to run on, I don’t even have potential anymore. I had so much potential before, but at my age potential is obsolete. Now that I can’t do anything, all I have is living in my mind, living in a fake future in my mind. A future I know will never happen, a future that involves the fulfilling of future events, the fulfilling of my dreams. They’re never going to happen, but I have to pretend they do.
My name is Thomas. A nice name I think. Nobody notices me in this town. People stare straight through me or straight past me. I don’t get the usual courtesies from people. I’m a non-event is peoples lives. Such a non-event that nobody notices. Ever met anyone like me? Of course you haven’t, you’ve never noticed me or anyone like me. Even people like me don’t notice people like me. We are invisible and silent. I stand in take away lines by myself and the staff walk by the counter without noticing me. Can that be explained? Nobody notices me, even the people getting paid to do it?
I came here to run away. I found an old brochure for the place, it said ‘the place to get away.’ I took it literally and made it my place to get away. I’ve been here for years now. Got a job as a late night security guard. I rotated with two other people who do day shift. We change over early in the morning and late at night, the way it works out I never see any staff on the compound I guard. I sit alone all night and sleep half the day away by myself. It does strange things to a person to sit alone night after night all alone. Strange things that are neither good or interesting, just really boring strange things to the part of us that enjoy life. It takes the joy out of life. I lack the ability to enjoy things. I can’t remember the last time I whistled a tune or hummed a song. The life has been sucked out of me.
I wasn’t always like this. When I was younger I was much different. But I’m at that age now. At that age where we all look back and defend ourselves by saying ‘I wasn’t always this way, this isn’t really who I am. This is who I was forced to become.’ It’s funny how we can take back choices and wish we had done differently, but we can never take back the effect those choices have on who we are. I’ve done things that have had a permanent effect upon myself. Now I am static. I can’t make any choices at all, even simple ones that I really want to make. I can’t even bring myself to look for a new job even though there is nothing else in the world I want more… I hate my existence and want to change it so much, changing my job would be the simplest and most effective way of doing that, but I can’t bring myself to do anything… except dream.
I have dreams, the same dreams I have always had. These days I don’t have anything else. Nobody notices me in this town, I just float in and float out. Even the Corner Store owner Sam doesn’t notice me. I’ve even stood near him and heard him talk about how no one seems to notice him. He couldn’t be more wrong. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be unnoticed. I’d give anything for a life like his. A life of security and people coming in and out and being forced to talk to him. What I’d give for people to have to talk to me, to force me out of this silent numb hole I have dug around me. But there is no one to force me to get out of here. I’ve reached such a point of numbness now that I’m fade away anyday.
Welcome to my breakdown. It’s been a long time coming. I’ll fall apart with a soft crumple, not with a bang. After someone burns out they tend to fade away. I’m about to breakdown and fade away. Or have I already burnt out and have started to fade away. Wow, I don’t even know myself what is happening in myself. Truly I am over.
II
I don’t drink anything. I just sit around or wander about. But mostly I just sit, sit and watch each day and night pass me by. Like a spectator amazed at an experimental show where nothing happens. I am an experiement of life to see what can happen to man who has nothing put back into him, what happens to a man when he is running on no fuel, running on empty all his life. There is no one to watch or learn from this experiement, no one will benefit from my passing. If there was someone to benefit then perhaps I’d feel better about it.
I never spoke up about anything. When someone contradicted my opinion on a matter, I would go quiet and assume that people had a right to their opinion and I would respect it and leave it at that. I never stood up for anything. I silenced myself, I became silent because I chose it. Where I am now is the result of years of cowardly choices. I made cowardly choices to keep myself comfortable and to avoid conflict. I avoided conflict as though it was a deadly disease. Conflict may have been my cure. I avoided people that may have had different opinions to me, I would simply avoid them and remove them from my life. I avoided them as though they would be bad for me. They would have been my cure. People, how I needed people all these years. I abandoned them, I never got out of my comfort zone, now I’m so comfortable that nothing happens. Comfortably numb? Yeah, I guess that’s me.
III
I worked in an orphanage for a while when I was younger. That was fun. Then I worked a lot in support groups for people dealing with mental issues. I lived to help people. I couldn’t get enough of it. Even when it wore me down I continued to try and do my best for people. I didn’t do an awful lot of things or really noticeable things for them, usually just sitting and listening. But I gave them a lot of my time. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t even listen to the radio anymore.
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dkrtist reviewed Version 2 -
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I think it would help the reader to know exactly what happened in his life that drove him to isolation. I know you mention things like stifling his opinion, etc…, but there needs to be something specific in order to draw the reader in. You are telling us about Thomas and who he has become, but give us some insight, in detail, of who he used to be. There has to be some depth to his dialog. I don’t mean his character. Obviously he is in despair, but the why of his despair is still vague. Was he ever married? Does he have children? Perhaps you are leaving these points for later on in the writing, just be sure not to omit them as they are detrimental to his character. This sentence spoke of the pity the character feels for himself:
“Even the Corner Store owner Sam doesn’t notice me. I’ve even stood near him and heard him talk about how no one seems to notice him.”
It gives the character the “Oh woe is me” attitude. He is even complacent to be pitiful. Also, give more details about Sam. What is his story and why can’t Thomas relate to him. Why is Thomas’ plight more difficult than Sam’s? These are just a few suggestions. Hope they help. I think that you have potential. You just need to polish your story.
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Sharon reviewed Version 2 -
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Hmmm…
Interesting indeed. It’s so uninteresting that it’s interesting.
I like your ramble. The spelling is good but the grammar needs some help. You have commas in the wrong places and improper sentence structure here and there. It’s mainly correct but there are a few places that need checked.
That being said, your guy has an interesting way of relating to the world. If I had one complaint it would be that it is never revealed why he feels this way. He says something to the effect of, “I know what happened… I just don’t know how or when it happened…” But he never really details what happened. Did he go through a divorce that made him withdraw from society? Did his toddler die suddenly? Did he lose all of his money at the race track? What happened? It’s unclear. I read the entire thing trying to figure out why this guy is so depressed but it was never revealed.
For over 1300 words, all he does is describe how he used to be outgoing, now he just sits upright when he musters the strength to get up after a long nap. He’s not even motivated to listen to the radio. From beginning to end there is no story. These are all random thoughts that equal the same thought… he’s depressed beyond recognition. The reader gets it. The reader wants to know why. This guy is so withdrawn that I was expecting him to say write that he keeps his eyes closed most of the time because when they are opened he is forced to watch other people communicating with eachother, constantly reminding himself of how much of a loser he is. On top of that, he barely has the strenth to keep his lids open anyway. I’m surprised that this guy even got hired.
If you ever decide to rewrite this, please add a little background as to why he feels so withdrawn. You’ve beat to death that he is withdrawn but the reader has no idea why, and I think that’s a pretty important part of this guy’s story.
DieLykUMeanIt213 reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it. I mean, it dragged in some parts and a good chunk of what you were saying made no sense to me. I’m curious about how old the character is to have given up hope for any sense of progress in his life. It didn’t make much sense to me why he ended up like this, but it was still more or less effective. But it doesn’t read to me like he’s all that depressed. More like he’s bored. You have some work to do, but you have something here, I think.
caravans reviewed Version 2 -
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Typo: I’m a non-event IN (not is) people’s lives.
This is very interesting until page 3. Then I really want to know what your dreams are. Its not enough to say you have dreams. Tell Us What They Are!
You have a very good, clear style, and I would like to read something of yours where something happens.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 2 -
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A fairly interesting read, considering that nothing really happens and there is no conflict. I would like to see how the character responds to stressors in a more descriptive and less journalistic manner.
cynthiahandloser reviewed Version 2 -
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If you broke the sentences up into two or more and got rid of the commas it would read better. It is very believeable, I feel the troubles of the storyteller. Great voice. The wrap up is good but could be better. Alot of thought shots, but not really any snapshot moments. (Ex. you could tell about the orphanage more.) I like that but others may not. I really like it.
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