Stage Play / The Waiter
Characters:
John: Restaurant patron. Male.
Waiter: Restaurant patron. Male.
Harold: Restaurant waiter.
Setting: A restaurant, several tables sit along the stage horizontally. John, dressed nicely, sits alone at a table with a soup bowl in front of him and a glass of water to its side. Waiter walks past him also dressed well, but with a nametag pinned to his shirt, the name is unreadable.
(Note: As the men speak they are completely stone-faced and serious.)
John: Excuse me, Waiter?
Waiter: Yes?
John: What is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: He appears to be ruining your meal, sir.
John: Yes, yes, that is exactly what he’s doing.
Waiter: Well then, it appears that I am very observant and deserve a tip.
John: All right, here’s your tip, get this fly out of my soup now.
Waiter: No can do sir, I’m quite allergic.
John: To flies?
Waiter: Of course not, to soup.
John: Well then, take it back to the kitchens and have them fix it.
Waiter: Right away sir.
(Waiter leaves with soup and comes back.)
John: Well?
(Waiter nonchalantly throws soup onto John.)
John: (Infuriated) What in God’s name?
Waiter: It’s been fixed sir.
John: (Incredulously) How’s this fixing it? (To shocked for words as he scrambles for syllables.) It’s—there’s—how—look the fly is even still there at the bottom! (Looking angrily into the bowl.)
Waiter: Well you see, because I threw the bowl at you it made the entire meal fly, so the singular fly was negated due to the entire object encompassing it.
John: That doesn’t even make sense!
Waiter: No it doesn’t, does it? Well that would be because I’m lying. Throwing the soup at you didn’t really help at all.
John: (Sarcastically) Oh really?
Waiter: Yes. (Dips finger in soup on mans forehead then eats it.)
John: I thought you said you were allergic.
Waiter: Oh right, I did, didn’t I? Yes well I lied about that too. In fact I lie quite a bit, after all I don’t really even work here do I? I just put on this nametag, my tables really right over there. (Points to an empty nearby table.) So, if you’ll excuse me.
(Waiter goes to sit at a nearby table, he takes the soup bowl with him. Harold walks by with a platter in a waiter’s uniform.)
Waiter: Excuse me, Waiter? That man over there, he is disrupting my meal.
Harold: Oh, I’m terribly sorry sir, I’ll fix that straight away. (Walks to John) Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, you’re disturbing the other patrons.
John: What are you talking about, he’s the one disturbing me!
Harold: Sir, you’ve dumped your soup on your own head.
John: I certainly did not! He threw it at me!
Harold: I’m sorry sir, please go.
John: But it’s him I tell you, him! He’s lying to you! He lied to me, he told me he was a waiter, and then he threw the soup at me! Hell, he ate it off of my own forehead!
Waiter: That doesn’t even make sense. I’m allergic to tomatoes anyways.
John: You are not!
Harold: Leave sir. Now.
John: Fine! But don’t expect a tip. (Abruptly grabs all possessions and leaves.)
Harold: I’m sorry sir.
Waiter: Oh it’s all right. He appears to be suffering from compulsive lying. I should know, after all I am a psychologist.
Harold: Really now? I suppose that makes sense. But anyways, to make up for your evening the restaurant is prepared to provide you three full meals.
Waiter: Oh well that’s very kind, but I don’t think I’ll be coming back anyways.
Harold: No? Well I promise, nothing like this will ever happen again. We will be certain not to let that man back into the establishment ever again.
Waiter: No, it’s not that, you see, there was a fly in my soup. (Points to bottom of bowl.)
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What you have here is a skit. A funny skit, to be sure, but still…a skit. This is something out of vaudeville. Funny in it’s time, but it does not a play make. As an exercise in a playwriting class, it’s okay, but it’s just an early step in learning your craft. You show a certain flair for comedy which is wonderful. Comedy is not easy. When you start to write true stage plays, remember the following: WHO? (Develop your character; WHEN? Simply the time set-up. WHERE? Where does the action of the play take place? WHY? Why is the character involved in the play. WHAT? What are the character’s obstacles to achieving his objective? HOW? How does the character overcome these obstacles to reach his goal. Good luck.
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I found this rather funny. I am a big fan of slapstick comedy and I think this one has great potential. I just wish it were longer, with more characters people coming in and out having various difficulties in this restaurant. I don’t know if you ever planned it longer, but I think you could give it a shot.
Now a few notes on your dialogue. I think you should have this read aloud for you. (Find a couple friends who you know and trust and ask them to do a reading of it for you.) If you listen to what they are saying and not what you think is on the paper, it will help you find rocky points in the dialogue. I myself found a couple lines that could possibly use re-phrasing.
“Harold: Really now? I suppose that makes sense. But anyways, to make up for your evening the restaurant is prepared to provide you three full meals.”
Remove The first part of the line is okay. “But anyways…” is where it gets a little raw. Maybe try “Well,” instead of “But anyways” and maybe add “on the house” or “free of charge” at the end.
Just some minor things. Like I said give it a live listen and see what you think. Good work.
This was absolutely absurd and absolutely brillant. Your sense of humor seems to be the kind of britishy monty python type, which i thinik is quite hilirous. I could see this as a skit or something like that. Great job.
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