Poetry / Days Like These

You are on the right path.  I would like to see you develop this a bit more.  There is no depth.  After reading I was left with feeling detached.  There was no self of connection with the writer.  I would change L4..it is a bit Awkward

This will sound pedantic, and perhaps it is, but as much as I like your opening line for its word sounds and concept I do not think it works:  a sculpture cannot “feel” and thus “downtrodden” and “insecure” require a real poetic stretch.  The poem, however, reminds me of some Sufi poems I have read in translation and some of Omar Khyam’s poems in translation for that matter.  I like it’s progression, its feel, and philosophical speaking voice.  I think it could be made stronger by working on two moments particularly.  The phrase “if the tears begin to fall” seems like an old-fashioned and less forceful version of “if tears fall.”  Secondly, your final line contains a wonderful concept and implied personification of “life.”  The tone is so casual though, heightened by the miscellaneous ”...”  If it were worked through just a little more I cannot help but think it would end your poem better.

Honestly, I didn’t like the first two lines of this that much, but the last three lines more than made up for it. Those last three lines were brilliant in my opinion. :)

I like this a lot. It is a wonderful description of life. Tieing “Today” and “24 hours” was a great method for demonstrating how our lives are built day by day and our thoughts and actions “tumultuous past” make us who we are. The imagery in your last sentence is poignant and shows an understanding of how we became who we are beyond your years.
Well done. I think you could use this to build upon also.

This is actually quite lovely in a subdued, quiet way.  Why 24 hours? Could it be a while? or a day? the number sounds a little hard and out of place here.

oooh. That was cool. I loved it all except for the “fallen-downtrodden-insecure” grouping. Dunno why. I think any of those words would do on its own.
If you really couldn’t live without them you might like to list the other two, separated by commas, as a new second line, and bump the other lines down one each. Just thinking out loud. What the heck do I know?
Well done though. “It’s just life looking for a way out…” is very classy indeed.

good words keep up the good words in your mind and your text

This poem starts off very powerful, defining today like you did sets us up for the lines to follow. It has a strong voice. I think it is your word choice you have soft vowels which creat stonger words that make you pronounce and us diction.

To be honest this was a little unexpected. I’m not really used to cynical poetry in this format.

The long sentences shaped like falling tears and gave it a melancholy vibe. The message was blunt and clear -which is kind of the point of this type of poetry.

I can’t really give any advice aside that when reading it the syllable amounts in each line was a little off putting. I would try to shorten the line reading and tighten the impact of the last line but making it shorter and instead of giving it that blue feeling, really hit it home with a harsher lament.

I love it, short but sweet.
And to the point.