Children's / Butterfly, Butterfly

I’ts very sweet. It all goes together so well except for the dustheap line. It doesn’t fit.

I like the playfulness of this piece. It’s definitely something that could easily appear in a children’s book of poems.

I think that the piece would be better if you tried to rhyme the last words in lines 3 & 4. The dust heap line is also a little awkward.

It has a nice rhythm to it. I don’t know, it’s not bad and I can’t say anything is “wrong” with it. It just misses that certain “something.”

Very nice. I think it is very well done. There is only one line that does not seem to flow as well as the others and that is “Butterfly, butterfly I hope not in this dustheap”. It is the only one that makes me feel you were trying hard for the rhyme and not content. Maybe see if you can rephrase it slightly to make it fit better, or find a different line completely.

And a side note about your “notes for the reviewer”. I did not see the original, so I can not say how it was. I feel that these days children are forced to grow up so much faster than even when I was young (which in reality wasn’t so long ago). The greatest thing a child can have is imagination. Stand by your thoughts, let butterflies peep in your world. The kids will get it, which is more important than the adults who think they know best. If you are unsure….read it to some kids (I’m sure you know someon who might have them if you don’t yourself.), let the children tell you.

It’s simple, cute, with illustrations it could be entertaining for the targeted age group. Maybe you can delete the repeat of butterfly  on a few of the  lines, like lines 3 & 4 &6 :

Are you going home?

Don’t leave me alone.

Butterfly, Butterfly where do sleep?

I hope, not in this dustheap.

Just a thought. Good luck with your work.

I think ‘peep’ would be better than ‘dust heap’.  Something along the lines of ‘Butterfly Butterfly makes not a peep’ would make the naysayers happy. :)

I think I’d like “peep” better although I didn’t see the original.  I dno’t like the phrase “dustheap.”  If people are complaining about butterflies not making sound….use “doesn’t make a peep.”

I imagined my little boy chasing the butterflies, too.

Love it.