Poetry / Criminality And The Reaper

Nice piece over all. I wonder if you can give it more power by changing the viewpoint. Maybe tell it from the viewpoint of the raped woman

“So bold was he; as to rape me, not once, but twice.
Then the bullet in my head promised my silence.”

or maybe the man

“So bold was I; as to rape the young woman, not once, but twice.
Then the bullet in her head promised her silence.”

If you see fit, change around perspective and see what happens. Also possibly do a few word edits (If a word doesn’t need to be there…think about removing it…)

“So bold was he;
rape the young woman,
not once,
twice.
the bullet in her head promised silence.”

Play around with it a bit. I think you can definitely increase the power of the piece that way.

The sky cries on his face. //great imagery
He knows what Mom’s will say. //maybe Mom’s should be Mom, unless that’s what he really calls her—”Mom’s”

A good read.
Best regards!
Oliver

great, clever language. fresh, dark imagery. i can see it all happen perfectly. i think the title could be better. in the first line, i think you should change “soul.” it’s an idea word, not a thing word. soul is usually only good when referring literally to a ghost or spirit. the semicolon doesnt fit in the second line. the third line is brilliant! i dont like the ending though. i think the death comes too abruptly, and not in a good way. i mean i just plain dont think he should die. thats too easy an escape. we dont get to see him react to the consequences. otherwise, brilliant.

I like the images in this piece. My only criticism is that 4 of the last 5 lines all rhyme, while none of the previous lines rhyme at all. I would either do away with the rhyme and make this a bit more free-form, or else find a way to rhyme the first few lines to match the rest of it. It would help give the poem more of a uniform identity. Overall, I liked this piece. :)

For me, one of the things holding you back is grammar. “He knows what Mom’s will say.” Mom’s should be moms. The quote really doesn’t say anything new, and isn’t realistic; instead of “what a disgrace,” a mom of a raped and murdered young woman would be thinking more of the void left in her life and the fate of her child. In the last line, “their” should be “there.” I do like the line “The sky cries on his face.”

This looks and sounds like a weird parody of a children’s book. Complete with aburdly childlike pictures, this would make a statement.

Proofreading notes:
he; as to rape (no need for semicolon)
Sometimes you use fragments and sometimes complete sentences. This could be more consistent, in my opinion.

WOW…you tell a story hear or at least a chain of events. The sympathy lies with the rapist instead of he woman which is a unique way to talk about this event. it very visual and your just watching this guy and you feel sorry for him. I can’t say anything bad about it. its amazing

I like the first line especially. The line, ‘The sky cries on his face’ isn’t bad, but flirts with being pretentious. Overall, that isn’t a problem with the whole poem. I notice also that you rhyme toward the end and not throughout, which is a matter of choice if you decided to do that. After all, all poems don’t have to rhyme.

It was somewhat lacking in the beginning.  I wasn’t picking up a lot of imagery in the first few lines (save the very first).  The body of it seemed to be a little thoughtless or just somewhat lacking in intense and well designed work. They just seemed a little haphazard at the worst.  I can’t really describe it.  There should have just been better worded imagery in the mix.  The end was nice with the rhyming but it came to little to late.  I overall liked it for the most part though.