Novel Treatments / Winterhaven - Temptation
The blood trickled from his lips and down his chin; a crimson teardrop falling from its pitiless creator. Looking up from his prey, Levi’s usually light, stormy eyes were a bottomless black coal, drawing me in, threatening to pull me towards the vulnerable, bloodied human.
I knew this was exactly what he wanted, to make the temptation irresistible; I had been a fool for agreeing to go along for the kill. I told Levi I would only keep him company, for the sake of spending time together, but now I found myself mesmerized, lost somewhere between the reality of the Code and my way of living, and the memories of my past, of how a vampire should live.
Levi let go of his prey then, the limp, nearly lifeless body slumping to greet a wet, grassy bed. This one could live, I could sense that. A heart beat lightly, slowly, in a weak attempt to circulate the blood that remained in the unconscious human. It was a young male, only a few years older than myself – had I been the age my body portrayed. I didn’t feel remorse for the boy, or even care that he would struggle to survive, only to fail unless another of his kind found his body within hours.
My basic instincts were beginning to take over and the Code was quickly fading away, into a dark, unvisited section of my mind. And in that moment, the coppery sweet scent invading my nostrils, and Levi’s probing eyes locked on mine both seduced me, inviting me to drink. And I no longer wanted to hold back. Levi, always watching, forever searching my mind, sensed my morale weaken and extended a hand, motioning me towards him, towards the awaiting prey. In almost a trance like state, yet feeling very alive, all of my senses on high alert, my feet took me to him and I knelt beside Levi, in front of the human.
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This is great work, your POV was on and Levi felt real, and manipulative, I could feel the emotion and underlying anger towards him. The imagery was vivid the blood description on point. I did not like the use of the word ‘vampire’ just a personal thing, everyone knows that’s the subject manner but saying the word just seems to cheapen or commercialize the entire thing. Overall good work.
Gavinswar
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ill be curious to see how all of these pieces fit together when you finally decide to try and make this a complete story. the pieces are good just looking forward to the whole work together
i enjoyed how your focus was on the taking of the blood, and not on how is was agents some code. from this point of view i shouldn’t care about the meal, and i didn’t, i especially became more in tune with him at the point he no longer cared that he would struggle to survive… I do think dark unvisited section of my mind is a bit cliché.
This was very faced paced and I’m sad that it was over so quickly. I haven’t read any of your work prior so this is just an honest review of this piece as it stands alone. I’m very into your subject matter and have read a lot about vampires and all sorts and forms they take, both mystical and metaphysical. I think this piece has a lot of potential, and I’m basing that of your natural instincts as a writer. To be able to jump into the middle of a story that you aren’t trying to weave together is very impressive and shows a lot of skill. Thank you for sharing this with me. I will look for other Winterhaven pieces in the queue.
Not really a fan of vampire stories but this is well written. The moment and its tensions were well described.
Very well written. Can find nothing wrong with it.
In a genre that is glutted with offerings, you need something that makes your work stand apart from all the other gothic novels out there. I don’t sense it, at least not here. You do have a good sense of urgency/pacing, though the florid nature of your prose muddies your story when it calls for a spartan clarity. If you trim your adjectives you will have a more vivid and arresting story.
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