I understand. When I wrote this piece I didn’t have poetry in mind. It was actually a college exercise that I developed a little more. I chose poetry as a category because I thought it was the closest fit. Thanks for your opinion.
Poetry / A Year's Worth of Personality
A Year’s Worth of Personality
January…. blasts in full of promises and new challenges. Fresh starts fill the bitter, cold air. While the Earth stays in hibernation, with its white cover. January marks the beginning of the Journey.
February…. marches in full of love, but not yet the warmth. She surrounds herself with lingering bare trees, wishing for their color to return. She floats away on a kiss and a lover’s valentine arrow.
March ….pops up, teasing of spring, building hope on the light blue skies. She twirls on the warm breeze, but stills in the nippy night air. She exits on a light note, making a quick and quiet exit.
April…. blossoms in on a rainy day. She fertilizes the earth with her showers while giving life to her once green pastures. She makes a dramatic exit, with her green thumbs held high in the air.
May….shyly breezes in and shows potential of summer’s warmth. She smiles brightly with her yellow beams streaming across bright petals. She celebrates the mother and gives color and bloom to the awaiting buds.
June…. waves in fast, swinging fists of heat over the clear summer skies. She blows the rivers now warm water, as she exits on a hovering cloud of humidity.
July…. dances in on its high horse of fireworks, not allowing a breath that’s not a pant. She prances on the perspiration drops, as she retreats with her nose held high to the sun.
August…. glides in elegantly, while slightly hovering with heat. She is wholesome and allows knowledge to develop and school bells to ring. Memories simmer on her wings of air and the tastes of summer still simmer on the children’s minds. She leaves us with the taste for fall and the changing atmosphere.
September…. now comes with the flags flying. The colorful breeze she enters on now is tainted with hopes of homeward bound troops. She reminds us where our loyalties lye as she exits on a powerful chilled wind.
October…. stalks in with his scary nights and shorter days. He comes alive in a time of masks and mayhem, and brings to us All Hollows Eve. He exits with an eerie calm left to settle on the now gray skies.
November….Barrels in with a thankful cheer. He bares the trees once again, and fills man’s belly. He’s full of sweet potatoes, juicy turkey and steaming stuffing. He prepares his leave just as the string of winter approaches, leaving on a whim of frost.
December…. arrives merrily and full of Christmas cheer. Colorful and bright canes decorate the pines of trees that cover gifts and make the children’s mouth water. A since of warmth during the cold nights bring us together as St. Nick closes off the year with a jolly ho ho ho. We say good bye to the past and hello the future at the stroke of midnight and we begin again.
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campanita reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice. I like how it has something for every month. That’s really nice.
My birthday is on July and i like what it says. =]]
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TheWallruss reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry, this just didn’t sound poetic to me at all. Maybe an exercise in creative writing, but not poetry. Not a bad write as I did enjoy reading it. But again I can not call it poetry.
Penlight reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. A very creative and “seasonal” Piece. A little long-winded though. I think it can be condensed a little as this reader kind of got lost in the long sentences.
S1,L1:...cold air. While the Earth I believe you need a comma after air if you’re going to start the next sentence with “While”, which means the whole sentence structure and its punctuation, has to be re-worked.
S3,L1-2: “She exits on a light note, making a quick and quiet exit”. The word exit twice in the same sentence is a little redundant.
“May….shyly breezes in and shows potential of summer’s warmth. She smiles brightly with her yellow beams streaming across bright petals. She celebrates the mother and gives color and bloom to the awaiting buds”...I really liked this passage.
June…. waves in fast, swinging fists of heat over the clear summer skies. She blows the rivers now warm water, as she exits on a hovering cloud of humidity…This stanza can be read, but I have difficulty speaking it when I read it aloud.
S7, L1: July…. dances in on its high horse of fireworks, “not allowing a breath that’s not a pant”. “Not allowing not”..(redundant)
S8: “Memories simmer on her wings of air and the tastes of summer still simmer on the children’s minds”. Simmer twice in one sentence…(again,redundant).
S12: L2 should read a “sense” of warmth. Also, there are 5 “and’s” in this sentence. A little much. That may be the Screenwriter in me. In Screenwriting, we are always looking for creative ways to describe something simple. For instance, If I want to describe a person getting out of a chair and checking the front door lock, then sitting back in his chair, taking a drink from a beer…if I’m not careful I have said; HE or HIS way too many times. That’s what redundant is. I think this poem can definately use some condensations, taking out some of the ands and keeping in only the prettier words. After all, you are describing beautiful and descriptive seasonal characteristics, but try not to use the same adjective twice in the same passage, (unless it’s purposefully necessary)
All in all I did love this piece.
This is my favorite passage…”
“February…. marches in full of love, but not yet the warmth. She surrounds herself with lingering bare trees, wishing for their color to return. She floats away on a kiss and a lover’s valentine arrow”.Very well writeen, no redundacies and it has a kind of “texture” to it.
After revision I could see this piece on a poster with artwork or a smaller kitchen plaque of some kind. Remember, I am looking at this piece from a minimalist point of view, so I may be biased. But yes…wonderful, well thought work! And my gosh, I just noticed your age! Its a good thing you are aspiring to greatness, cause in a few years..you ARE going ot be great! Its through these reviews that we learn of these things and I hope this critique was not too harsh. Ayn Rand was once quoted as saying: “A person who lacks the courage to recognize his own greatness, will always be a second hander”. It is obvious, you will NEVER be a second hander. Keep up the good work!
ButterflyGenocide reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this concept, it’s creative and interesting. However, it’s also an idea that might teeter on the edge of the greeting card realm. I think that it nears greatness with its sense of charged emotion, but the emotional theme could be stronger, and give the peice more impact and energy. Overall, good.
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