I wanted to use the same words to show a repition of thoughts. I’m at a loss as to why you didn’t understand that particular line as I have been told it is self explanatory. The person spoken about in the poem is simply not asking for help nor does he want it. Hence the line; “it hasn’t left your soul and mind”. I had mentioned the ‘Plea’ just before. I appreciate your review :). Thank you
Poetry / Fly Away
I watch you fighting
I feel my love igniting
Your warm arms inviting
Unburden your heart to me
One deep wish
Is to support you out of your anguish
You protect my mind and heart
Your silent struggle begins to strain
And your distance forces us apart
Then you see my pain
Your wings reach over me
Like an angel you shield me
Your halo severs from you
As your troubles whirl violently around you
They refuse to set you free
Though no one hears your plea
………. Because it is hasn’t left your soul and mind
And you wait, confined.
A captivated eagle
Desperate to fly away
And from the sky you survey
Your life for the last time
Just one prayer
I implore you
Don’t leave me in despair
Take me with you
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TheWallruss reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to ask. Is this a suicide poem? I am not quite sure if I follow this. Is someone you love dieing and you want to go with them and not be left behind?
It is good that you have divided it into stanzas but I find it very hard to find a rhythm or smooth flow to this write. By all means, do not give up I can see you are a willing subject to the life of a poet. If it makes you burst into laughter or tears as you are writing and you get the flow you will know you are on the right track.
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MortalAngel reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s pretty good, but you should try to avoid using the same word to act as the rhyming word. ”Your wings reach over me, Like an angel you shield me, Your halo severs from you, As your troubles whirl violently around you ” Also, I absolutely do not understand this sentence “………. Because it is hasn’t left your soul and mind” It has unlimited potential though.
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