Horror / As I am, I shall always be

Darkness descends and I sit here writing. One begins to wonder what centuries of surviving has to do with anything. People come and go, friends you make one day are soon dead in their graves in a short span of time that all take for granted. Families are changed and their lives marked by everyone that touches their lives in some way or another. I wonder if those whose lives I have come in contact with are better for it. The pages I sit here and write are for my peace of mind. And I know that if certain individuals know I have written all this down, my existence may be over.

They don’t like anyone writing about us or what we are or who we are. You see, we are those that horror stories and movies are written about. The ghastly specter that haunts your nightmares, waiting to kill you or take your life’s essence. Children and grownups alike hide under their covers at night from us. We are the children of Caine, banished from the daylight by the same God that shows mercy to those that wage war, murder children and wreak havoc on this earth.

  Strange in itself, I find that I can’t hate God or what I am, only what it
makes of me and the ideas that falsely accuse us of deeds that we haven’t done.  The one thing that is in all of us, is to survive.  And in doing so, at times we all do things that our conscience and hearts balk against. Yet we do them.  My conscience is heavy with over four centuries of surviving. And today, when I awoke, I found I was tired of this place and this century. I shall disappear for a time, cleaving myself unto the earth that gives me
shelter and protection. To rest for a while and leave the darkness behind as my eyes close.  Letting my will fade and those that know me,shall forget me in time.  Only those like I, will remember and them I shall face when I awaken once more.  And this beginning to my end is written, in case I don’t return.  I pray that the someone I knew and cared for deeply may find this.
in tact to be turned over to the Blackhorse Vineyard.  They will know what to do with the property and will keep it safe.  The little house, or the gardener’s cottage has been given to Kyle’s family.  They have the life right to live there for generations.  His family has served me well and have been my only family at times.  I wish his future heirs well.  For now, the dawn rises, I can see its gold beams shine through the slits in the dark blue drapes of the study.  How I wish I could see the sun in its magnificent glory.  But I do have memories that let me see it each time I wish.

Sentimentality has always been a curse for me, if you can call it that. The dark curse is not as bad as being sentimental. Letting your soul walk ahead of your heart is the worst. But I have no regrets only wishful dreams that haunt me. And now with the final mark of my pen, I end this letter. Sleep beckons with a gentle warmth I have longed missed. Back to earth from whence I came, I go. Back to the void of nothing as my eyes close, hands folded on my stomach, each fold of my gown in place and every emotion locked away. I shall rest now for another lifetime.

I bid the reader of my journal peace to you and I hope your reason outweighs your doubts.

For as I am, I shall always be, forever. Godspeed and fare thee well,
Arinna de Grael. Dated June first in the year 1864, London, England.

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