Thanks for the pointers Brynn – ‘is she fuck as like’ is a UK thing meaning ‘she’s not ever likely to.’ Although as you’re not the first person to question it maybe I should elaborate on the sentence…
Glad you’re enjoying the series – I’ll try and get another installment up sometime soon.
Humor/Satire / Vadge Frampton Weight Loss Luminary - Lazy Liz's story
Body Integrity Identity Disorder – that’s what they call it; these psychologists I’ve been referred to on numerous occasions. Try telling someone you want to lose your leg, see what type of reaction you get. Go on – I dare you. Next time you’re depressed and one of your children asks ‘What’s wrong?’ just try saying, ‘I’ve got two legs, that’s what’s wrong.’
Do you expect they might understand?
They won’t - they’ll label you mentally deficient – you obviously have some type of problem.
They’ll send you to see a doctor – who will preach to you about being overweight, like that might have some bearing on things.
They’ll send you to see specialists – the fact that the specialists have given it a name confirms they think you have some type of problem.
‘So Liz,’ the specialist starts in her irritatingly nasal tone. ‘This disorder of yours. What do you identify as the underlying reasons for wanting an elective amputation?’
Now I could tell her the truth, that when I was young I loved being pushed round in my pushchair, that eventually I grew too big and my parents made me walk everywhere. I could tell her how I hated walking, it made me tired. I could say how I saw an old man in a wheelchair one time, his right leg missing, the trouser leg folded and pinned neatly up. How I was instantly jealous of the way he was able to be pushed around, he didn’t have to do anything for himself. How over time I learned that disabled people get so much more attention, the best seats at concerts, the best parking spaces, they even get paid disability allowance so that they can stay at home all day and not even have to work. On top of all of this, if I was disabled, people wouldn’t think less me for not leading an active lifestyle, they’d feel sympathy that I couldn’t, instantly assuming that if I wasn’t in a wheelchair I’d be out playing sports running around like a burning spastic and not just sat on my fat ass watching TV.
I could tell her all of this – but really what business is it of hers, what difference will telling the truth make? Is she going to turn around and say ‘Oh, put like that it makes perfect sense, my God I’ve been so blind – I want to be an amputee too!’
Is she fuck as like.
No – she’ll just try and read more into it, patronize me some more, and drag the whole process out to justify her own existence. So instead of the truth I just say this – ‘I like the way it looks, I want to be an amputee for purely aesthetic reasons.’ She looks at me bewildered.
‘Why would you want to mutilate yourself just because you think you’re going to like how it looks?’
I say, ‘So how did your recent abdominoplasty go?’
She says, ’Oh it’s fantastic, I feel like a new woman.’ Spreads her hands across her midriff then continues to talk about it in all it’s gory detail – people as vain as her love talking about themselves, I’ve noticed that – today I’m happy to sit and look out of the window whilst she jabbers on about how much it cost, how much it hurt, how it was all worth it. As soon as the session is over I have to go back to work, so it’s in my best interest for it to drag on for as long as possible.
‘And your rhinoplasty?’
‘You can see the difference?’ she says turning to show me her new profile. Again, I’m informed of how much it cost, how much it hurt and how it was all worth it.
‘Rhytidectomy?’
‘Marvellous – not only do I look younger, but I also feel younger.’ She spreads her fingertips across her taught slightly unnatural looking face – by now you know the mantra as well as I do, cost plus pain equals worth it.
‘Suction assisted lipectomy?’
‘Thrilled with the results, absolutely thrilled my dear.’
‘Labiaplasty?’
‘Still sore – but hubby loves it!’
So, eventually I’m back at work after managing a good two hour skive – not a personal best, but good enough. I work in an office of a firm which makes heavy machinery, that’s as much as you need to know. I’m sat at my desk nibbling a Rivita like some oversized hamster knowing full well that come lunchtime I’ll be rushing home to gorge myself on doughnuts and ice cream. It’s all part of the act. I’m not greedy, being overweight is in my genes – look everyone I’m eating a Rivita and I’m still fat – that must mean it’s not my fault. Janey saunters past in her slick business attire and then hovers ominously by my side. I’ve worked out that her strategy for feeling good about herself lies in making others feel bad about themselves – you know the type.
‘Liz, why are you surfing the net yet again?’
‘Well Janey, I don’t actually have any work to do – I’m still waiting on those figures from you.’
‘You could at least pretend to be busy.’
‘You get paid more than I do, you pretend I’m busy.’ I turn back to my monitor and continue nibbling on my Rivita – I know I wind her up, but it’s almost become a sport, a hobby to pass the time.
‘You know Liz, I can eat anything I want and I never put on an ounce of weight.’ She pauses, to give her bitchy comment time to sink in. ‘But then I do exercise a lot, go to the gym, swim, go cycling at weekends..,’ she’s standing right over me – looking down her nose,’…maybe you should try it sometime?’ Then she casually turns and walks away.
The bitch. Not only am I fat, I’m also lazy – such a stereotype, although it’s true in my case that’s not the point. These Fit-fuckers have such a high opinion of themselves, it’s about time us Fat-fuckers took a stand. ‘Janey,’ I call after her. ‘You never had kids did you?’ She spins around on her heels and glares at me.
‘What makes you say that?’ she spits.
‘Just something about you that’s all – call it women’s intuition.’ I say smugly.
‘What “something”?’
‘Well, really there’s a few things…’
‘What things Liz?’ Her scarlet lips are impatiently puckered, like a cat’s asshole.
‘You want me to list them out?’
‘Yes – please do.’
‘Ok - You. Are. An. Egocentric. Selfish. Vain. Self absorbed bitch who is so concerned about yourself and your unimportant, pathetic little life and worthless career you’ve carved out for yourself, that the very notion of giving your time and energy freely to a dependent would never enter your tiny little mind. The fact that egocentric cnts like you don’t procreate can only be beneficial to the gene pool and thusly humanity as a whole.’
‘You cheeky, fat, lazy bitch – you think you’re getting a payrise this year? Think again – you’d only spend it on cake anyway.’
‘Thanks boss – now if you don’t mind, I have work to pretend do.’ Janey shakes her head, and walks off, no doubt intent on making another subordinate’s life a misery.
I divert my attention back to the net, continuing my search for that ‘miracle cure’. It’s a long search taking up to six hours out of an eight hour working day. It’s long because there are so many fake miracles out there all wanting my time and more specifically money. All promising easy weight loss, all making claims that seem too good to be true, but not actually giving any guarantees. I don’t like being overweight, it’s important that you understand that it’s more a kind of side effect of my laziness – if there was a genuine quick, easy weight-loss program out there I’d do it. I google ‘lose weight fast and for good guarantee’ which returns a modest one million, three hundred thousand or so results. Several hours, several false leads and several hundred search pages in I come across Vadge Framptons book. Vadge it would appear is a self styled weight loss luminary – his book is cheap and it’s time to go home so I hit ‘buy’ enter Janey’s company credit card details, close down my PC and head off home.
A couple of weeks later and an almost depressingly thin package arrives – it’s the book. I can’t begin to imagine that the answers to my needs would be able to reside in such a thin volume – you’d think they would have at least tried to bulk it out with a few testimonials or something. I phone up work, give them some excuse about being ill and say that I’ll try and make it in later – they’ll suspect the being ill part is a lie, they’ll know the ‘try and make it in later’ part is, but what can they do. I have taking time off work down to a fine art – it’s just a case of knowing the regulations and company policy, then playing them both like a fiddle.
The book itself takes me about two hours and a packet of custard creams to get through, and although the custard creams will never change my life the two hours spent reading the revelatory Vadge Frampton will, you see Vadge has managed to encompass two of my needs by promoting weight-loss through amputation.
It’s whilst sat watching daytime telly, contemplating which of Vadge’s suggested methods of amputation I should go for that one of those ‘Accident at work? - No win no fee’ adverts flashes up. A quick internet search later and a plan is starting to form – I can get up to seventy two thousand pounds compensation for loss of a leg above the knee, that’ll do me nicely. All I need to do is manufacture an accident at work, preferably one that will be the fault of that poisonous cnt Janey, then she get’s the bullet, I get my amputation, I get to conform to the doctors height to weight ratio charts and as an added bonus I get paid for it.
I might be fat and lazy – but I’m not stupid.
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wesguptill reviewed Version 1 -
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Bravo! It has been some time since I had the pleasure of reading some of your work, but the return is oh so sweet. Par excellence! The dialogue is crisp, cheeky, and spot-on, as is usually the case with your productions. I had nearly forgotten old Vadge and his diabolically ingenius weight-loss tome. Now I shall have need of a re-read and then a pick-up on the work posted. Thanks for this installment. I can barely wait to see how Liz works out her scheme.
Peace and good writing, my friend…
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joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Hahaha… man, I’m laughing from the start. Really, how true. For those of us who want to loungs on our fat asses, eating sweets and letting it all goooooooo… perfect internal dialogue of the main character. OK…now I’ve finished the piece, and I have commented in order below. But this reminds me of Jincy Willet (have you read her?) I think she handles the line between believable and not rather well, and that’s the only criticism I have here. My suspension of disbelief wavers some. Otherwise, funny. I’m interested in reading more.
A few technical bits…some I just left because, although unconventional mechanics, I liked the effect. Some, below:
perfect sense. my God I’ve been so blind (either use period or semicolon)
Could be my American version of English, but “Is she fuck as like.” makes no sense to me. Maybe you meant “fucked”?
people as vain as SHE (sounds weird, but trust me, it’s correct)
machinery. That’s as much
I’m not greedy. Being overweight
consider use of quotes: in my genes. “Look, everyone….not my fault.”
more than I do. You pretend
stereotype; although it’s true, in my case that’s
I think the exchange with the hypocritical doctor is funny, but would she be so gullible?
The final exchange between the corworkers seems contrived…unbelievable. Why is she not fired for such comments? How is it possibly acceptable? This is a spot I think you could work on. Maybe she IMAGINES the whole exchange? She’s so secretive otherwise; couldn’t she also have a vivid fantasy life?
what can they do?
never change my life, the
Frampton will; you see, Vadge
It’s whilst I sat
Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to admit, this was not quite as good as your first one, in my opinion. Although still funny and inventive. I like this series…and continue to keep my eyes open for the next parts=)
Some things I found:
“pushed round in my pushchair,” Should be pushed Around, as in this case, “round” is like “circular.” I am assuming from reading it that you are in UK? if so, I may be incorrect in this as the english there is slightly different from ours.
“Is she fuck as like.” Um what?? Another UK thing? either way, I totally didnt understand this one.
“and not just sat on my fat ass watching” Should be “SITTING” as the rest of the sentence is in active (ing) tense, so too should this be.
Fit-fuckers - no capital in Fit. And why block out “cunt” but not “fuckers?” To me it takes away from the piece to have stars in it.LOL Lay it on us!
Overall well done, again very original! Love the sarcastic humour and bitter undertones. Good job,
Eve
I_Like_Rice reviewed Version 1 -
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Great start. Caused me to chuckle and sets the tone of the piece well.
Liz is such a smart arse in everything, I love it!
“You get paid more than I do, you pretend I’m busy.” LOL at this.
I love her speal about how the expectations of her would lessen if she lost her leg.
I think her comeback to Janey could have been a little better. It’s good but doesn’t quite deliver the same querky originality like a lot of her other dialogue.
When the book arrives, perhaps you could make more of a big deal of it. ‘It’s the book (I’ve been waiting for)” or something to that effect. Let the reader know that this is a major point in Liz’s story in that first sentence of the paragraph.
The plan seems to come together nicely at the end. Making me want to see the execution of it.
Last paragraph 3rd word ‘sat’. this word doesn’t flow well. Should be ‘sitting’.
‘Is she fuck as like.’ maybe it’s a cultural slang term but i didn’t get this line.
I have a friend who recently got put into a wheelchair. He says it’s the best thing that ever happened to him and he’d be pissed off if anyone was able to make a medical breakthrough that got him out of it. He loves it!
Good luck with this
Made me laugh
saveusjeebus reviewed Version 1 -
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if you amputated your leg, wouldn’t the leaning screw up the height weight thing again…. just kidding. Anyways it seems a bit amusing
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I loved this story. The dialog was excellent, and I enjoyed the protagonist’s attitude.
I thought that the jump between the conversation with her co-worker and receiving the book was abrupt. Maybe you could add a paragraph or sentence about her discovering its existence and ordering it, or waiting for it in the mail.
I’m also somewhat confused about her motives for amputation. Does she want the procedure to comply with BMI, or because she likes the concept of being disabled? You seem to imply both.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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‘You get paid more than I do, you pretend I’m busy.’ (Lines like this one make this character, and therefore the story, quite real. Again, thoroughly enjoyable and original.) This section sets up the part I’ve already read very nicely.
The comments below are almost exclusively about punctuation:
an active lifestyle, they’d feel sympathy (needs to be a semicolon here)
Is she fuck as like. (What is this? I’m sure this is a British idiom that I don’t know. Please explain.)
two hour skive = two-hour
machinery, that’s as much (should be a semicolon)
greedy, being overweight (nice place for a colon)
themselves, it’s about time (comma splice)
needs would be able to reside (Why all these words when could would work just fine?)
but what can they do. (question mark)
The sentence that starts “The book itself . . .” could benefit from some re-punctuation. I would break it into 2 sentences right before “you see”.
Janey, then she get’s (You need a stronger mark of punctuation than a comma here.)
doctors height to = doctor’s or doctors’ ?
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