Why, thank you! Thanks for bringing light to the word “maintain”. I could use a more powerful word and “endure” is a good one. I’m tossing it around in my mind now with a few others. Thanks so much!
Poetry / Crushes on White Boys
I learned to maintain a fascination
with what I could not have: getting tongue kissed
before turning sixteen, being friends with
more than one black girl, and crushes on
white boys. Jimmy Davidson could have gone
without scrawling in his margins in fifth
grade alphabet code that he loved ten, fif-
teen, fourteen, twenty, five, eighteen, eighteen,
nine, like I couldn’t spell my name in numbers.
“No, that spells “Elizabeth” and she’s blonde,”
I regret my over-answered question.
I saw Jimmy in the pool that summer,
telling his cousins my black would come off.
You hoped so, Jimmy. I know you hoped so.
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jweeble reviewed Version 2 -
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This piece has a lot of potential. I think it would be possible to work it into something worthy of your application packet, but I have a question for you: why break your lines like you did? You could have easily formatted the phrases, even broken them still, in ways easier to read. Overall, very good start.
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tstone reviewed Version 2 -
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as a reader with a great appreciation for poetry, but little knowledge of its structural rules, i really like this. it’s concise, has an easy flow, and creates some nice imagery using very simple language. only suggestion: in line 1, could “maintain” be replaced with a word like “endure?” it seems to me a fascination is too natural/involuntary to require maintenance.
- overall, very good.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 2 -
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I have to admit that this isn’t really my thing: I like poetry with more imagery, rhyme, meter. ”I saw Jimmy in the pool that summer,
telling his cousins my black would come off.
You hoped so, Jimmy. I know you hoped so.” However, your wrap-up was emotional and bitter and helped the piece have an emotional impact.
LUFCRACE reviewed Version 1 -
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This has good rhythm to it, but after a few reads I’m still not sure what it is about. I always like to know exactly what someone is trying to say in their poems, at least when I have got to the end of it. I get the last couple of lines, but am not sure what the previous ones are getting at really. Maybe the line breaks could be altered or something? Or punctuation added somewhere in order to try and make it clearer?
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought that this was truly spectacular. I can find no fault in it whatsoever. Nice work. :)
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