Thank you so much for your comments. You hit on the area’s of the story that I was having a hard time with. Your suggestions are more helpful then you know.
Thanks again!
Children's / Midnight Madness On The Farm
Arthur worked hard from the earliest part of the day until the sun set way down low in the sky. Every night he was terribly tired. Up the porch steps he climbed. Out went the lights and into bed he plopped.
“Sleep at last.” Arthur mumbled as he closed his tired eyes.
Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha, screech, Arthur stirred a little in his sleep but he did not wake up. Scratch, scratch. Croak and a twang, twang. Arthur sat straight up in his bed. Pitter-patter could be heard. Arthur threw on the light and ran right out to his tomato patch. Right in front of him he saw a great big shiny tomato in the moonlight. He did not see anyone making noise and he was too tired to investigate.
“I wonder what that noise was?” his curiosity had him asking as he dragged himself back to bed.
“I’m glad that’s over,” Arthur yawned big and loud. Out went the light and down came his eyelids. Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha, screech, scratch, scratch, croak and a twang, twang and up came his eyelids. There was that same noise again.
“That sounds like…like barnyard music?” Arthur couldn’t be sure what it was. Again he threw on his light hopped out of bed and rushed right out into his tomato patch. Again he saw only his beautiful tomatoes.
“I don’t understand it! Barnyard music in the middle of the night?” This was making for one very confused and tired farmer. The rest of the night went on that way leaving poor Arthur as tired as could be. The summer continued on the same way too. Arthur was tired and quite cranky too!
He dozed off while milking the cows and flooded half the barn. The poor chickens were sitting on mounds of eggs. The goats got loose and ate his coveralls off the clothesline. Arthur was just all together too tired. He wasn’t getting anything done and his farm was starting to fall apart.
He went to feed the pigs and fell asleep in the pen. When he awoke to a wet soggy snout kiss up he jumped, wiped is mouth and shouted, “Enough is enough . This night time noise has to stop!”
Day and night he thought. The animals all watched as he paced in the pigpen. On the third day he stopped pacing and went back to his chores. He even did a few extra. By nightfall Arthur was more tired then ever. He went inside and turned out the light but he did not go to sleep. Arthur crept out the back door making sure not to make a single sound. He shimmied through the backyard on his belly and hid in a smelly pile of hay.
“I hope they get this nighttime music started soon.” Arthur said covering his nose. Lucky for him and his nose they did.
It looked like Arthur was finally going to catch those sneaky barn yard musicians. There they were making music in the moonlight. His jaw dropped in amazement. Arthur had finally caught his mystery musicians.
Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha. The tomatoes shook their seeds. Screech the crickets rubbed their violin like legs together. His chickens scratched the ground and the frogs chimed in with bellowing opera like croaks. Beetle bugs played a twangy tune using gracious worms as their banjo stings. The corn sounded like maracas as it rustled it’s leaves That terrible pitter-patter Arthur heard was little mice in the middle of a dose-e-doe.
Well Arthur wasn’t going to have this. He flew out of that haystack taking the smell with him into the tomato patch. He picked and harvested every last tomato. He chased the crickets away and put the hens into their pen. He loaded the beetles and frogs into his old yellow pickup.
Down the road they rambled in the old truck. Down through the valley and over the bridge to blue pillow pond. Out the window the frogs went and off went Arthur without even saying goodbye.
“Good riddance’s!” Arthur barked at the poor beetles when he dropped them off on the steps of a beetle farm. Back at his farm the worms and the mice had disappeared. “They can’t make much trouble on their own” Arthur settled as he turned and walked away. Up the steps and into the house he went.
“Finally I’ll get some rest,” He smiled as he fell into bed without even putting on his pajamas. Arthur slept. The sun came up and went back down. The moon came out until it was the suns turn again. Arthur still did not get up. He lay in bed snoring, dreaming, and occasionally tossing just a little bit. All winter long he slept.
When spring came around out came Arthur too! Rested and ready to go! All day he tilled the soil and planted the seeds. Soon he had a brand new tomato patch. Growing his tomato patch year after year usually made Arthur very happy but he wasn’t feeling very happy this year. He felt lonely and bored but he couldn’t figure out why. He shrugged it off and went on taking care of his tomatoes. They weren’t doing to good. Their leaves were wilted and drooping. The
poor tomatoes were very sick.
The cows were moping too! The hens did not come out of their straw beds and the rooster did not crow. The farm was very quiet and very boring.
Arthur started to realize he missed the nighttime music and he had a feeling that the rest of the farm missed the music too. Arthur ran to open the chicken pen. He drove across the valley to Blue pillow pond where he quickly gathered the frogs. At the beetle farm he found his beetles humming sweet harmonies. Back down the dusty road he raced. Home at last Arthur shook his tomatoes.
Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha, the crickets peered through the grass. His chickens began to scratch at the ground and the frogs chimed in. Arthur was making music with the sneaky musicians! The worms gladly lent themselves to the banjo-playing beetles and the crickets decided to jump in as the mice came dose-e-doeing. The cows and goats even hummed in the background while the pigs squeaked and squealed along. What a night that was. Dancing till dawn with his music loving friends. A little music was just what the farm needed. But just a little was the perfect amount. So Arthur and the musicians decided that Saturday’s would be perfect for making music late into the night.
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Gypzi reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good start. There are some punctuation and spelling errors, but those are easily fixed with a read-through. For example, “Saturday’s” should just be “Saturdays” in the last line.
Kids will love this story! I think it would be good for kindergarten or first grade children, and I think it lends itself very well to being illustrated. Again, wonderful start, and will be publishable with an edit.
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paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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For what age is this picture book?
The dialogue and activities are too much for a 3-7 year age range picture book with this dialogue.
It mike work well with the over-sevens. Ha some great imagery, nice activities
Lino reviewed Version 1 -
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This is truly an adorable story! I think my three-year old would love this, especially with pictures to follow (it reads like a really good picture book!)
I love the first four lines, the “into bed he plopped” is wonderful! However, all this in combination with the following line (“Sleep at last.” Arthur mumbled as he closed his tired eyes.) feels strange, for some reason. Dunno what it is, but I think it has something to do with the wording “every night”? With the “sleep at last” to follow, you zoom in on one particular night, but you don’t let the reader know this, which makes it a bit awkward to read.
Right in front of him he saw a great big shiny tomato in the moonlight. Great!!! Again: I’d LOVE to see pictures for this book!!! Love how things repeat in the story, too: the tomatoes and the sounds!
“Enough is enough . This night time noise has to stop!” Day and night he thought [...] With this exclamation, it sounds as if he’s really going to do something about it right then and there, but the following line shows he doesn’t. Maybe rephrase??
Arthur started to realize he missed the nighttime music [...] Feels a bit clumsy. Maybe skip “started to”? “Arthur realized”?
Love it!
tawnypipit reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like it. I wish we could see the illustrations because there is some real potential for beautiful art to go with the intersting story. I would read it to my kids… It’s cute!
Adeaz reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a children’s book, which I have been reminding myself constantly as I have read this. That does not mean that grammar should be forgotten. There are barely any commas in this whole story, and there are several places where they would make the flow less choppy. I also suggest not using exclamation points unless in dialog. Speaking of dialog, your dialog at the beginning was confusing and hard to follow. I feel like parts of this story were lacking detail.
It is a cute idea for a children’s book, however. Do not abandon this. With a grammar review and some polish, this would be a very good children’s story.
Bless1 reviewed Version 1 -
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The concept was cute but the storyline wasn’t “childlike ” amusing.
In the introduction, there is no indication of where the story is going.
“Arthur is tired from working hard ” but that seems like a dangling feature from the rest of the story. Why is this night different from other nights?
The body of the story is good but the farm/beetle/tomato scenerio is kind of off-beat. Its like the farm animals had a different dynamic from the story.
I think you are talented but Im not sure my child would get warmth from this story.
Rowling reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is adorable. It started out wonderful. I think I would revise the story from the point when he fell asleep for the entire winter. It could be argued that the farm was miserable because no one took care of it for the whole winter. There is never another character mentioned in the story so it seems that he is the only one who can care for the farm. Honestly, if it were me, I would change the story to say that he came home, and went about his days, and although he slept, he still didn’t feel happy. The farm animals started to become sad as well. Then, the farmer realized that the farm needed the music. You can even change it to say that they played the music every night and every night the farmer slept more peacefully than ever. I dunno..I just think that would suit children better. They can imagine the animals playing music as they’re falling asleep at night.
Other errors:
Change to “Good Riddance”
“When Spring came around came Arthur too”. This sentence isn’t quite right. It needs to be revised. Maybe, “When Spring came around, Arthur came around too”. Comb the story for additonal issues.
The story was very enjoyable though. I hope you do well!
Rik_Stevens reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say that I loved this little gem. I only have one critique and that is in the beginning when he first went out to check on the noise. The sentence read “Right in front of him he saw a great big shiny tomato in the moonlight.” which made me think take there was something about to happen with that particular tomato. Other than that it was great. I felt like it was story time in the library and I sat with other children listening aptly to what was happening on the farm. I’m a grown man by the way. Put this together with the proper illustration and I bet you’ll have something great.
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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A fun little story! I hope that the various noises will be in different fonts when it is illustrated. I liked the ending.
A few things I noted:
“He dozed off while milking the cows and flooded half the barn.” – nice!
“as it rustled it’s leaves”; “Good riddance’s!”; “Saturday’s” – no apostrophes needed
“He flew out of that haystack taking the smell with him into the” – I would have put ‘taking the smell with him’ in parentheses, like a reminder.
“over the bridge to blue pillow pond” – Great name for a pond, but it should be capitalized.
Good luck with this. :)
Bernie reviewed Version 1 -
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This is lovely! What a warm and happy story for children. It would be perfect with the pictures. The sounds of the midnight music are vivid. You use colours so descriptively. I love your blue pillow pool. Everything has a place and there is a place for everything in this story. Well done!
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