Haiku/Senryu / AND MY MIND SWELLS

L1: Deadbolt should be one word.

L2: excellent line and sentiment, although I would expand on ‘true’. Make it sharper, more focused. Otherwise, the line is a little sadistic and sadism is not where the first line led me.

L3: good. Pacing is a way to wait something out, to endure something and occupy the mind. However, pacing is not a way I’d spend enjoying my guilty pleasure.

Good luck!

i like the first line, it’s inventive, but it’s unclear WHICH guilty pleasure you’re talking abiout, unless it’s supposed to imply sadomasochism.

last line i don’t know what the relation is at all. just can’t see how it ties in. it’s also uninteresting language.

My only suggestion would be to rearrange the line order.  I feel that it would “build better” if this were the order: line 3, line 1, line 2.  Try it—read it out loud.  

I love the image in line one—really unique, really powerful.

The title is apt, but I wonder if something edgier is possible?

Really good—got more?

TA

I like the emotions conveyed in this piece and how it gets you holding your chin and thinking. As a haiku it seemed a little clunky but then again, you rushed it. Great first line. I wonder if you can run “dead bolt” into one word?

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February 06, 2008

by neverisapromise

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

I originally wasn’t sure if it was one word or two. I think you’re right. Thanks.

-K.S.

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I liked this and for your age, the thought is incredible. The work  speaks of how very hard life is if you see things the way they really are.

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February 04, 2008

by neverisapromise

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

Just to satisfy my own curiosity- what did you get out of the third line? I wasn’t sure if anyone would get that one.

-K.S.

February 07, 2008

by mollyp

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
180	84.3% (70 votes)	35.1%

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54	F	Elgin, IL	November 02

You pace in frustretion,longing,antisapation,and the unknown. Sorry bout spelling. What do you think? Did I get it right?

February 07, 2008

by neverisapromise

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

Pretty close.

Thanks.

-K.S.

February 08, 2008

by mollyp

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
180	84.3% (70 votes)	35.1%

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54	F	Elgin, IL	November 02

Good-so what is it?

February 08, 2008

by neverisapromise

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

What is what? The third line’s meaning?

-K.S.

February 09, 2008

by mollyp

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
180	84.3% (70 votes)	35.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	F	Elgin, IL	November 02

yes

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Sounds like someone’s been naughty. I like this piece because it reminds me of myself. It has good rhythm and is consistent in it’s subject matter. Good work, keep writing.

The first two lines were great.  They were all the things you were looking for as far as the rankings are concerned.  But the last line threw me off a little bit.  I may not be reading into it enough, but I didn’t get how it related to the first two lines.  But overall I thought it was pretty good.  Thanks for sharing!

This is pretty good.  It’s not your typical haibu, but it’s good compared to today’s standard.  I totally get it, but it need more description.  ”True pain’s a guilty pleasure isn’t tangible.  Overall, this was a great read.  
E.

This is definitely a senryu. It is narrative and it is about people. Is it publishable? Debatable. Did your audience grasp an idea? Sure. I definitely think you accomplished that goal.