forgot to mention that I liked this alot. I laughed my ass off a couple times.
Short Story / Comfort Food
I’ll forget a lot of things before I forget that night. That night was a particularly bad night, tacked on to a particularly bad day. I stepped in dog poop in my favorite pair of new shoes, the coffee I had paid for was cold, and I had spilt my briefcase in front of my boss, promptly after he fired me for being “incapable.” It was horrible, the type of day when you can’t wait for it to be over so you can close your eyes and shut out the memories repeating in your mind like a broken record.
Except even after I had returned home, ready to slip into softest, warmest PJs ad watch a sob romance movie with a half pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Phood, my bad luck was not willing to grant me such a luxurious reprieve. My cozy pajamas were nowhere to be found, my kitchen fresh out of any comfort food. Not only that, but I had mistakenly left my DVD collection at my friend’s house. In my anger I threw every pillow in my living room onto the floor and even left them there in their strewn heaps- an indeed sinful act. I decided it was time to take a walk before I went through the extremes of throwing my TV out the window, or burning my house down.
Anger is a funny thing. It bubbles up and steams in your veins, stretching your skin until it is taught and near bursting, but one blast of cold air and its shredded away, your body completely occupied with the idea of keeping warm.
Now I hate the cold, more than I hate my former boss who fired me, so it was only natural to fume more until my teeth were clanking together so hard the noise reverberated in my head, and my blood froze in my veins. After walking blindly for about three blocks I had found a convenience store which was- through some miracle- open. I considered myself lucky. I had no idea how wrong I was.
Even from peeking in the only small window, which was a strange green-yellow from thick layers of dirt, I could see that the tiny space was crammed and untidy, at least from what I could discern in the thin glow cast by dim orange lights. I stepped back to examine the store’s exterior. Roughly each half was painted a different color, one half a yellowing white and the other a blueish-grey. The door itself was partially green, most of the flaking paint washed away with weather’s wear. A blank white sign hung limply above the door, the remnants of a name illegible. Clearly, it took a very desperate person to resolve to such a horror. I was a desperate person.
I pushed the door open, slowly, peeking my head through the frame hesitantly. I had to squeeze around a stack of brown boxes teetering dangerously close the the cash register. A muted abrupt jingle above made me jump, only to see that a very tired, rusted bell tied to the door.
”Hello?” Jeez, in the dump you think they’d be begging to help me. Then I found him, what looked to be an employee since he was lying behind the check-out counter. “Excuse me.”
The man bolted upright, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision with the counter, a disaster I’d prefer not witness. From the looks of this guy, he had a worse day than me. He was pale and skinny, with a sort of hunched stance. His bloodshot eyes and the bruised shadows looked seemed as if they were seared into his skin. I, personally, suspected long term drug use. His hair fell in long greasy black strings, covering his eyebrows and the back of his neck. Once again I feel the need to remind my audience that I was desperate.
”What’re yeh doin’ here?” When the man spoke he revealed a single yellow front tooth. I was willing to bet that everyday for him was worse than mine, call me judgmental.
”Were you expecting someone else? I am in desperate need for any sort of junk food.”
The guy- for lack of a better name- eye-balled me with his bloodshot beady eyes, scoping me out like I was some raving woman claiming to be the second coming. “Well ya can check whatever ye can fin but I aint ganna make no guaranteesh.”
”Alright then….” I turned around on my heal and proceeded to complete the epic search of my comfort food. However, I was soon beginning to realize how much of a mistake it had been to come to this particular store. There wasn’t a lot to see-the shelves were dusty and antique looking, the food on them worse for wear. Mostly the shelves consisted of cans, all covered in scum, some even rusty, and a sketchy package of twinkies. This was,of course,excluding whatever the boxes contained, but I had quickly decided I was better off not knowing.
So I was just deciding I had over stayed my visit (a moment too late) and was turning back the way I had come when the door flings open, sending the little brown bell above the door into a seizing frenzy. A gigantic fat man, as in morbidly obese (and I am not being rude because this was outrageous, I couldn’t understand how he could even walk), waddles in. He looked slightly Asian, with his slimy black hair tied back away from his alive black eyes. His shocking white skin reflected the yellow lights with his sweat. In his extended arms, his steak-like hands dwarfed a miniature gun- probably a be-be- that shook and wagged faster than the tail of a dog with sausages. “I’m robbing this place!” His voice was just as slimy as his hair.
I actually felt a little bit sorry for the guy. Judging by his skin tone and his size, this is probably his first time out of the house in years. Not to mention this little garbage heap was as far as he got. He wasn’t likely to find any very much money here. He was obviously just as desperate as me.
Neither I nor Skinny guy-it seemed- knew what to make of this man, so we just stood there, watching as the Big Asian’s face turned first from pathetically angry, to even more pathetically anguished. He opened his mouth,about to say something I’d guess, or maybe sneeze, and….. disappeared.
No, you heard me right, he disappeared, before mine, and Skinny Guy’s eyes. I ran outside, as if the missing Asian could have some how slipped out there, only to see the empty street I had come on. I looked at the stars, just in time to see a couple of lights zip off into no where. When I threw myself back through the door (I unhinged that poor old bell this time, sending it soaring across the store), Skinny Guy was still standing in the same spot, his redened eyes staring into space. Without warning he looked up at me, and laughed. “I jus’ had the weirdest dream. I betta lay off.” He laughed some more, and shuffled back over to the cash register where he layed back down and went to sleep.
Now what did I do? Well, I decided to do just as Skinny Guy had done. I walked back home, crawled beneath my sheets (without bothering to return the pillows), and went to sleep. Who knows what could be going on with that Asian Man… maybe he is an alien experiment somewhere?
Either way- I never did get my comfort food.
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A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
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A very funny story. Though I’ve never been held up by a fat Asian man, this piece was extremely relatable. I had a hard time finding things to critique, but here’s one thing you might consider:
“Then I found him, what looked”
Sounds a bit awkward; maybe “Then I found what looked. . .”?
Good luck with this!
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shinsukato reviewed Version 1 -
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and I had spilt my briefcase – this sentence doesn’t make much sense. It should be like “and I had spilt OPEN my briefcase…”
promptly after he fired me for being “incapable.” – if the character was already fired, why does it matter that they looked silly in front of their boss.
memories repeating in your mind – how about ‘replaying’?
into softest, warmest PJs ad watch – into MY softest, warmest PJs AND watch…
me such a luxurious reprieve. – gramatticaly, this doesn’t make sense in the sentence. Take out ‘such a luxurious’.
be found, my kitchen fresh out – AND instead of the comma
an indeed sinful act – indeed a sinful act.
hate my former – hate THE former boss who fired me
and my blood froze in my veins. – how does fuming make your blood freeze?
to fume more until – remove ‘more’
s- through some miracle- open – commas, not hyphens.
Roughly each half was painted – Take out ‘roughly’, or move it to before the word ‘painted’
resolve to such a horror. – I don’t understand…
only to see that a very tired – take out ‘that’
Jeez, in the dump you think they’d be begging to help me. – saying ‘hello’ seems like a fairly polite thing to do. Maybe if they said “what”...
Then I found him, what looked to be an employee since he was lying behind the check-out counter. – replace ‘him’ with ‘someone’ and ‘what’ with ‘who’
he had a worse day than me – replace ‘he’ with “he’d”
Once again I feel the need to remind my audience that I was desperate. - hahahahah
mine, call me judgmental. – “call me judgmental” should be its own sentence.
The guy- for lack of a better name – again, HAHAHAHAHA, oh and relpace the hyphens with commas.
on my heal and proceeded – on my HEEL
the epic search of my comfort food. – MY epic search for comfort food.
However, I was soon beginning – Soon, however, I was beginning…
There wasn’t a lot to see-the shelves – replace the hyphen with a period or a semicolon.
shelves consisted of – shelves HELD…
alive black eyes – alive? What the… That doesn’t seem like a good adjective for eyes.
In his extended arms, – saying ‘extended’ weakens the sentence somewhat. Also, how does holding a small gun take the use of both arms?
find any very much – take out ‘any’
guy-it seemed- knew – COMMAS, not HYPHENS. Also capitalize ‘guy’
to even more pathetically – take out ‘even more’
disappeared, before mine, and Skinny Guy’s – MY not MINE
zip off into no where. – nowhere is one word
AlexSDS reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this story up until the ending. It was a little too far fetched and seemed a bit out of place to me.
You have a fairly normal story all the way through, just someone having a bad day. I thought you were going one direction when you brought the fat man into the story, but just having him disappear? It was unexpected, but it was a little too out there for me, especially in the context of this story.
I liked the premise of it, and you have some wonderful descriptions in here, but I was turned off by the ending.
vampyre44 reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha corrine i loved this! I love how you took a normal story and twisted it to make us all think. My favorite part: Anger is a funny thing. It bubbles up and steams in your veins, stretching your skin until it is taught and near bursting, but one blast of cold air and its shredded away, your body completely occupied with the idea of keeping warm.
I like your use of imagery here. Anyways, good job!
snowflakesofwarmth reviewed Version 1 -
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Corrine you are awesome! Yeah.. I think it’s amazing how you can have a complete story that doesn’t feel like it’s missing any details in such a short plot. It was so cute I loved it! <3
badhabits reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha, okay you definitely got me on this one! I was just about to mention “Isn’t it a bit strange that your main character doesn’t know where the nearest grocery store is….” but it all makes sense now. I have had lots of dreams like this, very mundane and ordinary at times. This story is very well written and you certainly have a knack for a fast moving plot. Cheers!
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