Yes, it could be fleshed out, but this is supposed to be a teaser of an intro only – not full descriptions of each and every character.
Novel Treatments / Women
Twenty-four women; twenty-four lovers.
One gave me cinders of volcanic love I’d never experienced before. Two gave me Chlamydia.
Two were black and proud; another two were black and should have been.
One was seventeen and wore her school uniform in bed; another was fifty-two and really shouldn’t have bothered.
Three claimed to be bisexual.
One clucked like a chicken when she had an orgasm. I suspect even more faked them.
None were married.
None were disabled, although one was ginger.
One whispered she was a dreaming Piscean. Another tied me up and shouted she was a sex-strong Scorpio who was going to use me until I begged her to stop. And she did.
Three scored me a ten for my bedroom antics. One awarded me a minus score and demanded her money back.
I think all of them are still alive, though after being with me I’m amazed.
Four were left-handed.
Three were church-going Christians. Five claimed to be lapsed Catholics. Two were Jewish.
Only one was a twin, which is surprising.
Six told me they loved me.
I wanted to marry most of them. Two said they wanted to get engaged, but didn’t.
As far as I know, none were sociopaths or psychopaths or mentally deranged, although I think one was Welsh.
One was born in America. I bet most wished I’d never been born.
Twenty-four lovers; twenty-four blown chances of happiness.
I loved each and every one of them but I’m thirty-nine and still single.
What the hell does a man have to do to find a wife?
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
tstone reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
this could be a really great start, depending on where you go with it, of course. your humor is dry, which fits your writing style well.
only one suggestion, and it’s purely a case of ‘flow’ – but for some reason it just didn’t sound ‘right’ in my brain:
“I suspect even more faked them.” = ‘I suspect several faked them regularly.’ or something like that. i love brevity, but this line just seems out of place here. same thing with: “I bet most… born.”
good premise and style.
- add/view comments (0)
EJSchwartz reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This needs to be fleshed out more. I understand the premis, but you need to add more to the description other than short statements, such as One was born in America. OK, where in America? Where did you meet her? This is good, but you can do better
mollyp reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I found this hilarious! Being a woman, 7 times married, this really caught a bit in my throat, so to speak. I would not say that chanches have been blown…Just that you are luckier than most, and got out in time. Kudos for this.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
One answer stop looking…. lol maybe then she’ll find you instead of you trying so hard… well the character anyways… no wonder most women we’re using him…seems like he was too easy to get to.
Interesting piece though
Lisala reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Well, for starters, you could do more than have sex with them lol. You offered two surprises – 1) the title. I thought this was going to be a feminist piece -2) Your point of view. At first the listing seemed cold, though humorous. I was glad to know at the end you were really looking for a wife and not notches on your belt. You gave an old story a much needed fresh twist. I like how you numbered the women off; I also liked how you juxtaposed them; the two black sisters, the “None were disabled, one was ginger.” This is good writing.
To add more information, I would suggest fleshing out the ones you really wanted to marry and why, the ones you really didn’t and why not. It would help the reader understand more about where you were coming from and what/who you are looking for. With your humorous writing style, it would be difficult to put down before the story ended.
eowyn reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think the title will be more attractive and appropriate if you change it to “24 Women.” Interesting piece, could be more specific in some, but overall, quite intriguing. If you can refine some phrases and do some more editing, this can be a lot better. As far as how to find a wife? Well, here’s my two cents: you didn’t mention how you loved them. You’ve had a broad range of women in age, race, relgion, and personalities. Stop experimenting and searching. Start loving.
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
What a great way to lure an agent to publish your book as well as a great way to encourage someone to read it. I am interested already! I think the humor will come when you elaborate on the situations of the actual relationships. Keep at it! You have something here worth working at.
HELENBISHOP reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Take my advice, don’t put ginger on the same line as disabled. Some may find that amusing, some may refuse to read it, some may come looking for you. I am red-haired and gorgeous to boot) and fortunately for you have a sense of humour. The welsh thing is justified though, you can keep that. This is a mixed bag. some of these anecdotes eg. the school uniform one, are very funny, some are not so funny or perhaps you need to add a bit more to them so i can see where you are going with it.
Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think this would work pretty well as an intro to a novel (it almost reads like a movie voice-over), perhaps preceeding meeting lover no. 25 which is where the true narrative kicks in – I don’t think you could get away with maintaining this style for long – it works well as a summary to bring the reader up to speed but is too pared down to keep them interested for more than a couple of hundred words. The humour was appreciated (especially the ‘ginger’ bit). I’d be interested to see how you progress this.
Sharon reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
What a cute story. If it’s true it might not be so cute in your mind…
My favorite line is near the beginning with the volcanic love and chlamydia. That’s pretty funny. The last line says that you’re looking for a wife. What about the ‘cinders of volcanic love’ girl? That sounds like a good start.
My least favorite line is:
“Two said they wanted to get engaged, but didn’t.” This didn’t read right to me. To me it says, “Two said they wanted to get engaged, but didn’t want to get engaged.” It’s like they wanted to, but they didn’t want to. It’s a little unclear. Try, “Two said they wanted to marry me, but I never asked,” or “Two said they wanted to get engaged, but I wasn’t interested,” or “Two of them wanted to wear the white dress, but I didn’t want to wear the tux.” Just a thought.
And to say, “And I bet most of them wish I’d never been born.” That’s a bit much. Out of all the guys I’ve dated there’s only one I wish had never been born. Surely you’re not the waste-of-space he is. You have to REALLY be a bad boyfriend for an ex to wish you’d never been born. I get that it’s an exaggeration, but maybe, “I bet most wish they’d never met me.” Even that doesn’t say much of you. I don’t know. I’d rethink that line!
It’s an enjoyable read though. Funny and cute. A lot of men and women can relate. Good luck on your search for eternal love.
Have a good day.
Showing 1 - 10 of 10
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
10 Reviews 16 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 9 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 61 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |