I know what you mean about the criteria – it is a bit cheeky, but I suppose that I wouldn’t want an agent that doesn’t find this at least a bit amusing.
Humor/Satire / The Agent
The Agent
“Can I speak to Tony Awful-Browne?” I asked hopefully.
“Who’s calling?” A nasally female voice asked in return.
“My name’s Chris Quango.”
“Is Mister Awful-Browne expecting your call?”
“Oh, I should think so,” I lied.
The line went dead for a couple of seconds and then I heard the strains of “Brazil” as I was put on hold.
“Hello, this is Tony Awful-Browne. Who is this?”
“Hello there. This is Chris Quango – I sent you an e-mail with a few chapters of my latest novel last week.”
“Chris Quango? Chris Quango? Have we been properly introduced?”
“Err, introduced?”
“Yes. Did I meet you at last week’s publishing bash?”
“No, I wasn’t there. I sent you some of my writing and you said you’d get back to me.”
“Oh, I see. What have you had published so far?”
“Nothing,” I admitted shamefacedly. “I was rather hoping you might take me on and help me get published.”
“I don’t know about that. You must realise that to act on your behalf it helps if you’re already an international best-selling author. New talent is terribly difficult to sell and the market is in flux at the moment.”
“I realise that,” I said, modulating my voice to remove all traces of despair. “But if I was an international best-selling author I wouldn’t need an agent would I?”
“Wouldn’t you?” he answered uncertainly.
“Well, no. I’d already be a successful writer and wouldn’t need your services.”
“Good grief! I’ve never thought of it that way before.”
“Did you like my stuff?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“You sent me that piece entitled “The Legion of Death” didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Brilliant stuff – a real page turner. I even took it home with me to read at home. Your characters are really well-drawn and the action is simply breathtaking. I haven’t read anything this good since “Ben-Hur.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “You really liked it?”
“Oh, absolutely. I’m sure it could be a bestseller.”
“So, are you willing to act as my agent?”
There was a slight pause. “My books are rather full at the moment – I represent several authors who are already household names. I don’t think I can take on any more.”
“But surely,” I answered craftily, “if I’m as good as you suggest, I could make you and your firm a lot of money?”
“Money?” he replied with a slightly bewildered air. “I don’t like to talk about money. You must realise, Mr, err, Quango, that this business is all about reviews.”
Now it was my time to be bewildered, but I recovered quickly.
“I can’t get a good review for my work if I can’t get it published,” I countered.
“I wasn’t referring to book reviews,” he answered coldly. “I meant trade reviews for my agency.”
“But surely you can only get good reviews for your agency if you get good authors published?”
“Exactly, which is why we only represent international best-selling authors. You have to realise Mr Lingo that there is only a limited market for the sort of things you write.”
“Quango,” I said with a sinking heart, “the name is Quango. But how do you know what market there is for my work if it doesn’t get published?”
“There are two markets in publishing,” he replied with the air of a teacher talking to a particularly dense five year old. “There’s your Dan Browne market and your Harry Potter market. Your book doesn’t fit into either category.”
“But neither market existed before the books involved were published,” I told him with mounting panic.
“Not as such,” he replied tersely. “But the propensity for such a market has always existed and, as such, it has always been a limiting factor for works such as yours.”
Now I was completely confused. “What, even in the time of Homer, Shakespeare and Dickens?”
“Absolutely. These authors were only read in there own time because there was nothing else. If Dan Browne and J.K.Rowling had been around at the time, they wouldn’t have got a look in.”
I was left almost speechless. “But theses writers are recognised as the giants of literature.”
“Were, Mr Twingo, were. Now, if you’d been born a hundred years ago it might be a different story. I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have to go. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and, before that, I have to squeeze in an appointment with my agent.”
“Your agent?”
“Yes. I’m about to publish my latest book – “How To Be A Bestselling Author In Ten Easy Lessons.” Goodbye, it’s been nice talking to you.”
Click.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
tstone reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
sharp dialogue. reminded me of peter parker talking to the guy at the major newspaper. i could picture phones ringing, papers flying, and a cigar dangling from mr. awful-browne’s lips. you might want to give a bit more description of what IS, in fact, going on outside the dialogue – not much, as this piece works best at a quick, back-and-forth pace – but something to work with visually.
- add/view comments (1)
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice. Part of this (the part about Dan Brown and Rowling) is in the item I read before. It would be a nice touch if everyone he talks to echos the same spiel about the “two markets”.
I liked that the agent is publishing a book on how to get published. It seems as if they all are.
Very cheeky of you to have “Agent – I need an agent” on this one. :)
But theses writers (typo)
Showing 1 - 2 of 2
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
2 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 9 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 10 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
