No, I wrote this hurridly this afternoon and didn’t have time to proof read it properly. Then again I’ve never worried too much about that sort of thing – leave it to the proof readers, they have a right to make a living too I suppose! Of course I agree with you about the complexity of the situation, but you understand where I’m coming from. The publishing industry seems to be full of placemen of dubious ability and with all the instincts of an accountant.
Humor/Satire / The Publishing Universe
The Publishing Universe:
A Short Introduction By Tony Awful-Browne
I accidentally found myself talking to an unpublished author the other day and, charitable as I am, I tried to explain the publishing industry to him. He had written what I can only describe as an excellent piece of work (one of the other charities I work for is devoted to reading unpublished works) and I was trying to explain to him why it will probably never be published.
“There are two markets in publishing,” I explained to him. “There’s your Dan Browne market and your J.K.Rowling market.”
Poor chap – he was completely confused by this. “But neither market existed before the books in question were published,” he wailed.
“Ah, yes,” I told him gently, “but the propensity for such a market has always existed and this sets a limiting factor on the prospects of publishing work such as yours.”
He tried to counter by mentioning Homer, Shakespeare and Dickens. “Are you telling me that the Dan Browne market and the J.K.Rowling market already existed in their day?”
Well the short answer is “Of course,” but it was plain that the poor benighted soul had no idea what I was talking about. It occurred to me later that there might be other writers out there that have failed to grasp even the most elementary facts about the publishing industry and, as part of my charity work, I’ve decided to try and redress this problem.
You have to imagine the publishing universe as a huge rubber sheet on which are set publishers and agents. Authors are there as well, but they are for the most part tiny and have little effect on the publishing universe. Publishers and agents, because of their huge gravity, warp the fabric of the publishing universe and, therefore, have the effect of bending time and space. Authors, being so tiny, have only a minimal effect – except, that is, for the authors Dan Browne and J.K.Rowling. They are the Red Supergiants amongst authors and their unexpected appearance into the publishing universe has led to a complete re-appraisal of what reality actually is by publishologists.
So huge is their gravity well that publishologists have come to the conclusion that they have always been there, but were largely unrecognised until the advent of quantum printing theory. Essentially what this means is that the propensity for a market for their work has always been there and the human race has, unknowingly, only been waiting for them. Thus Homer, Shakespeare and Dickens, to mention a few, were widely read only because the Dan Browne and J.K.Rowling markets were unknown for most of history.
This, of course, has the effect of making all other authors redundant – with a few minor exceptions such as Michael Creighton who actually occupies a higher dimension known as “Hollywood” to publishologists. Now (and this is the most crucial element to our understanding of the publishing universe) because of the way in which time has been warped by these markets, publishers are no longer looking for the “NEXT BIG THING”, but are looking for the “LAST BIG THING.”
Once this is understood, the publishing universe becomes explainable. Next week I’ll write an explanation of “dumbing down” – an exciting new theory that explains how adults can be persuaded to invest in the J.K.Rowling market and why they can be dazzled by Dan Brownism.
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nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I only found the name of the litary agent funny and the invention of the word publishologist, the rest was very near the truth and not that witty in delivery. I think had you told this from the unwitting authors propective. It may of been a bit wittier, In a kind of, he tries to get published/gets turned down and uses this as a kind of defence, thus having to beg the so called charitable publisher to publish his work, or perhaps give him some advice on some unknown publisher where he may make miniscule monies for his writings or in fact he may get into debt trying to get published.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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I think I’ve already told you that I agree with you 1000% about Dan Brown. Mediocre prose. The situation is perhaps a bit more complex than you make it out to be (for humour’s sake, I suppose), but I can’t fault a man who is as irritated as I am with the direction the publishing industry has taken. We could continue this in the comments.
Are you misspelling Dan Brown and Michael Crichton’s names on purpose?
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