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melancholyxyz's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 22
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 22
I write.
Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
6 Comments
Bleed Out. 'I don’t understand. Don’t you love me?' 'I love you…' He whispered. 'I just hate myself.' 'So that’s it.' She spoke through tears. He wished he had answers. 'I guess so.' 'Like this?' 'I’m sorry.' And he was. 'I guess there’s just no return policy on my Deathwish.'
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Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Even at this late-early time, My thoughts are buzzing with static the echo of chit-chat from crowds strangles the oxygen that I meant to be breathing. my own words are scratched and faded I try to spill words out, specks dotting the sky, chasing people into their beds. In this room the curtains are shut, the glow of the stars are replaced with dimmed lights over my head. This is no comfort zone, nor a war zone. Just a quietened place; to look, think, admire and do many of the other unnecessar...
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I think what you've got here is great, but you just have to break it down a little, because it just comes in big lots and seem a bit too long. Like instead of having it as, "It is all in the picture, projected against the back of our eyelids, some flowing screen in our minds." " It is all in the picture, projected against the back of our eyelids, some flowing screen in our minds. The people in the picture, they wave. " Perhaps? Yea, because I just think it's a bit too long. Anyways, keep up t...
I think it's not the best that you can make out of it, you've got an idea, i understand that, but perhaps you should try and perhaps polish it up a bit, especially the first stanza.
i think you can shorten it a bit to make it more powerful although youve got the idea right
I think you should perhaps extend it a bit, although I can see where you're getting at, but definitely add more to it
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