metaphoricalsimile's profile

metaphoricalsimile avatar
AGE: 28
LOC: Portland, OR
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 16

I like to write fiction that deals with societally taboo themes in a humorous or shocking manner.

I’ve been comparing my reviews to those of others, and have come to the conclusion that I’m an asshole, and could probably be a little more constructive in my criticism at times.

Item Stats
Reviewer Stats
Items
Short Story / In Good Taste
Version 2
26 Reviews   16 Comments
The warm aroma of vegetables sautéed in fine olive oil surrounded a swarthy, dark haired, young man who wore an apron, a well-tailored suit, and the kind of grin that only anticipation of sexual congress can bring. He was in a steel forest of cookware and well-honed cutlery so expensive that only professional chefs or pretentious bastards would bother to purchase any of it. He grasped a tomato with a hand and an arm that were contorted un-naturally by paralyzation. His other, very well-formed...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Nice Things
Version 3
34 Reviews   5 Comments
She was kneeling on the carpet. Her long, blond hair was bound in a bun. Her thin, stringy frame quivered with the violence of her scrubbing. Her long fingers tingled at the edge of burning from exposure to the chemicals which lay strewn about her: a Stone Henge of brightly colored bottles and cans of bleaching, foaming, color-restoring sprays and solutions, some upright, and some fallen where they had been cast away after failing the woman. Their lack of utility brought tears of frustration ...
Ratings & Rankings
Flash Fiction / Original Sin
Version 1
33 Reviews   12 Comments
"Forgive me father, for I am sin." Didn't hear anyone come in the booth. Must have been dozing. Hot in here, usually the heat keeps them out. No reverence in his voice. Don't wanna deal with a smart ass kid today. Wait, what did he say? "My son, perhaps you are new to the church. The proper..." "No padre. You might say I've been around for a while, in fact." "Then you meant to say..." "I meant what I said, mon pere." He keeps cutting me off. No respect. Hate this kind. Hate sweating this much...
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Poetry / Games
Version 1
14 Reviews   10 Comments
Pretend with me today That burning in your filthy loins Is truly pure love Bleeding from your holy heart That maggot crusted lies Which tumble from your rotting lips Are really shining truths Beacons for wand'ring ships That the stagnant pool of your mind Was just a broken toy That you left behind When you stopped playing games.
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Short Story / Cancer
Version 1
23 Reviews   10 Comments
Ricky liked bars. He liked the dim lights, the flashy ads for beer, whiskey, Alovar's Pure Columbian Snow, The Fast Method, "clinically proven to keep you fast 15% longer than the leading brand." He liked how the aromatic smokes formed weather fronts, a high-pressure zone of ganja sweeping away a low-pressure tobacco front, both swirling together and mixing as they dance to the dim ceiling. He especially liked the pretty women and macho men reeking of desperation. Bars liked Ricky too. He ma...
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Reviews
I think you mean "eminent" (superb) rather than "imminent" (immediate). This poem almost has a Dr. Seuss feeling to it, but I think there's too many words in between the rhyming words to really get that lilting quality to it. I think this would be strengthened by the use of some internal rhymes on the longer lines.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Short Story / Lucien and the Other Man
You're trying to show the reader that Tujuan is someone to sympathize with. The small segment that is NOT in first person is used to do this, but it is very jarring, and makes the reader question "why did the perspective just change?" I'd suggest working the information into the narrator's account, give him some thoughts to the tune of "looks to clean to be a junkie," or something like that. I know that you're trying to present a mind with a fluid sense of morality, and it changes to fit what...
Haiku/Senryu / The Writer's Cycle
Given that the art of haiku is in expressing a large concept in as few words as possible, it raises the question in my mind: why confine yourself to a format of 5/7/5 syllables, which isn't even really a faithful translation of the scarcity of information in true haiku, if you're going to reach farther; if you're going to tell a story? Why limit your creativity? In addition this is more like a short narrative composed of senryu, as by definition haiku have a nature theme. However, if consider...
Young Adult / mailchimper 2 loves me
What this work lacks in plot, it fails to make up for with character or setting development. It needs a lot of work grammatically, and does not have a single correctly spelled word. The way you fail to capitalize correctly by using all-caps also distracts the reader from any message that you may be trying to convey.
Flash Fiction / Downfall
This doesn't strike me as being a plausible train of thought for someone who's just jumped off of a skyscraper, regardless of the circumstances. If you're trying for humor rather than believability, it still just didn't quite have that impact with me. As humor is a slippery beast, I can't really think of anything that would make this premise funnier. Maybe if he were munching on a sandwich?
25.0% Review Quality (4 Votes)