militaryroad's profile

militaryroad avatar
AGE: 20
LOC: Colonia, NJ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 30

I’m very new to poetry, so any critique would be appreciated.

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Poetry / milk martyr
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
too many nights spent deadpan at the kitchen table with my skinny cat where milk becomes the subterfuge, or at worst the lactose stratagem in which the disconnect between our brains and what will happen to my hips and what will happen to her throat is negotiated at length creating a fake resin which mends the cracks in the sticky table
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Poetry / Haze
Version 1
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tonight’s prayer will be my last for you contempt has taken your place in this home how am I supposed to stand the buzzing squeal of the airplane overhead. When I can only imagine your blood rushing against the current, The consonance of the sea burnt into your flesh The tide broken by your last breaths harpooned pebbles thrown for play at your death bed you're a fish now but i promise you, i will never look at Him again (you fake, you liar) the peeling glue from the glittered construction pa...
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Poetry / Drunk
Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
back of the store journey through the cross-fade lights. a missed connection makes us stumble to the broken rock on which we waited for the death cab. in truth, we’re only temporary amnesiacs
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Poetry / White Parade
Version 1
6 Reviews   1 Comment
watch out for white folding over the filmstock in technicolor, panchromatic flush, short of any additives. you'll never process, you white parade i wish you'd live up to the emptiness of your name. but when the red light shuts and i go home, my toes in white sands isn't the worst thing in the world.
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Quotes / Six Word Memoir
Good choice of words in this tightly wrapped up genre. You're given a wide array of ideas as to what this person got away with coupled with the fact that they've probably been caught. Good images, definitely Creative Life worthy. Not much more I can say. I gave it a 7 because I think the best six word memoirs give you a more specific perspective of things than you offer here.
Poetry / old poem #1
I think my biggest qualm with this poem happens about halfway through. Before that there's a nice rhythm, albeit a little loose. The assonance of the second line works okay, but the word choices don't do it for me. "fight for space down my spine to my feet" is a good line. In fact, the first half is overall pretty okay, it could just use more revision. Now, the "I rise I remember, I wonder" is a nice way of keeping the loose rhythm set earlier on, but why on earth did you break that rhythm? "...
i like it overall. there's a hopelessness-in-redundancy vibe going on with it that i like. there is a nice hybrid of beat and h.s. thompson with a more traditional form. I think the last two lines, though, could be replaced with something better.
Great, but not as jarring as a six word memoir could potentially be.
Poetry / Odds in favor.
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