milly's profile

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AGE: 32
LAST LOGIN: September 05

http://exercisetwo.blogspot.com/

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Short Story / queenie's place
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
Robbie about choked when he saw I had brung it. Dad's prized rod. It didn't look like much until you handled it and felt how the rod balanced itself in your hand, how it was so smooth but still had grip to spare. The brand letters were worn but if you squinted you could make out the word Arrowdy. "Do you have the book?" I asked. "Uh huh." He reached into his backpack but didn't take it out. "Let's go." I started walking and he caught up around the Larimee's house, Robbie's shorter legs pumpi...
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Short Story / the bus
Version 1
10 Reviews   0 Comments
He stood there until he shook long enough under his winter coat that he was actually focused on who he was and what he waited for. The yellow 211. Matt Pulaski spent another twenty freezing in his winter wear, and watched it change from freezing rain to sleet, and back again. He wandered down from the road happy. No school. That made it seven and counting, and it was not inconceivable that more snow days might come. Grandma worked her squint at him when he came in. "Again?" He pulled his boo...
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Short Story / airplane
Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
Airplane. Flying. The wild air beat against the wings. “Big” Ben Hartman watched the soundless wind through his window. He was glad he hadn’t gotten the aisle seat. The stewardess – who had said her name was Jess – walked back and forth in the narrow isle, a smile fastened on like a luggage compartment. Hartmen had to use the bathroom. The woman next to him, an old lady about seventy, scrunched up in her seat with a reproachful look. He felt like a champaign cork in a bottle in the aisle, his...
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Short Story / The Visit
Version 1
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There was a ruckus at the airport. My father held my hand tightly and urgently and we watched the ruckus. It involved a man dressed like a clown, fighting against two police who seemed to give up one second, the next one of the police drew out a box that shot blue light between its prongs and zip!...he zapped the clown. The clown fell, bursting like a popping balloon. My dad shook his head at the clown’s antics. Of course I was really interested but he drew me away and we went through the til...
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Short Story / A Shot Away Pt 1
Version 1
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If Delbar Sturgis wasn't the meanest man who ever beat a murder rap on a technicality than my dad had it wrong. He had the paper spread out so he could read the entire front page and habitually rubbed the back of his hands on it, never mind the ink. The front page photo of Sturgis showed an older guy who looked more like a lawyer than a cold-blooded killer. Sturgis was grey all over, a little bit overweight; in the photo he was coming down a set of court house steps in a rumpled suit. He wasn...
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Reviews
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Once upon a whim
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Novel Treatments / An Angel Who Left
Locked
i think you're a pretty excellent writer overall. but -- since you're planning on cutting, i think you could probably get rid of some of the more flowery prose that pops up here and there. it's not that it's bad -- it's not bad. rather -- it's sometimes cliche'-sounding, which is a problem when writing this sort of poetic prose. you might find better effect, by externalizing a bit more, and drawing back on the internalizing. i did enjoy reading, though. being that this is a novel treatment --...
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Inspiration
a couple things. although fairly imaginative and clear, you told some of the story i thought you would have better effect, by showing -- and vice versa. i also noticed a few sentences that could be revised or rewritten to be a bit more lively. it needs work, and i believe you need practice. instead of revising this, i suggest you move on and write something else -- then something else -- and so on. until it starts to come together. good effort, though
Novel Treatments / As Falls An Angel
I liked it. I think it's good enough to publish. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit kitschy..."my love" for example. And the fact that he's so shocked that Betty doesn't love him. Great stuff, though. I give you a 10.
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