Favorite line: "I see, before I drop the stone, that the ripple will tip and soak and sink each paper boat sitting gently on the water’s skin." I noticed through out the piece you use "and" numerous times with no commas when one should be used. An example of this is..."And so on and so on in this fashion until she finally decides to stay over and he believes my lie(or just gives up) for just a few months more until I inevitably go back on my word and need to throw a fit again to displace the ...

I understand what message you are trying to convey. I think this is a refreshing piece. A few places I would add comma splices instead of periods, just to be more grammatically correct. For example: "But you returned, with simple gestures of forgiveness. A conversation, a token gift." I would write... "But you returned, with simple gestures of forgiveness; a conversatoin, a token gift." (only my opinion) Here again I would add a comma splice... "I regretted the missed moment, thought our frie...

I really enjoyed your poem. Your ending is exactly what it needs. As I was reading I kept wondering what was going to come of this; it seemed to tamper off from the original pretext at "while we watched waves caress sandy ground,". But... Your ending brings it around full circle. It sounds sophisticated and edgy in the middle; picturing a dark room with one person on the stage... snapping. :) The ending is realistic and completes the poem. Thanks for the read, good work! mm_storyteller

I think the part about her mother and the lion tamer should be explained a little more. After reading it I feel there is something missing. This piece fits well as flash fiction, and it flows nicely. I did enjoy the last line, "The magician's assistant would once again disappear." I felt it made for a good ending to the short piece. I would say with a little development and time put into it, this could be an interesting prologue to a longer story. Good job and keep writing! mm_storyteller

I'm not sure I understand this piece. The title, for one, throws me off. It seemed like this was more about relationships between a boyfriend, girlfriend, or maybe just friends; not brothers. I'm not sure how the title relates. I can understand if it is refering to the love that defines a person in a relationship. I think it would help understanding if "Am I my brother's keeper" wasn't only said once. It feels like an afterthought this way, not connected. Thank you for the read, and keep writ...

This piece is touching and real. I believe quite a few people would relate to this at the present time. Now, what I would change is the consistency. Is this meant to rhyme or not? Some portions seem to, but this changes throughout the text. For better flow I would create some consistency. I'm not sure this is long enough for a 3 or 4 minute song, unless repetition of the chorus goes on for quite awhile. People like to sing along to songs, so repeating the chorus is good. But people also like ...

For a short poem it evokes the emotion intended; love, passion, heat. I enjoyed it very much. good work keep writing, mm_storyteller

I hate to say I disagree with your mom. I believe this could very well happen, but it would not be as likely. When in the shower people normally feel vulnerable, not thinking about defense but about escape when faced with an ultimatum. I would say your character, if developed further, would have to be a strong willed, confident woman. She would need strength to pull the curtain off the rod and then the rod down. Interesting short story. I could see it being a small piece to a much larger tale...

Very good job. This is entirely original, and that is what I love about it. One thing I think would just add to what you already have, is if there was significance behind where the organs were placed. Bladder in my head? With your talent you could very well put more meaning behind each line with a cause for placement. You can do it. I might take a look at the last line as well, it just seems to interupt the flow a little. "Plate" and "dated", saying them together you wouldn't think they'd rhy...

"This could be why I relentlessly forgave her for her ridiculous behaviour OVER four years." - I changed for to over, it seems to flow better this way, (just my opinion). The tense used in on the first page don't seem to fit with him speaking to himself. Nice, clean cut writing style. One I believe an editor would appreciate. Witty and fun. Good work. Mindy