I knew it!!!! What a great story, it has a kind of “Sweeny Todd” or “Arsenic and Old Lace” feel to it. I must say you do a lot with a little, the charters are few and most of the story takes place in two places making everything very easy to follow but it also allows the reader to form opinions about and grow attached to Michelle and Daniella. I would have like to have known how the boyfriends where tricked into the pickle factory, was it by the same tourist type scheme or some other happenst...

I think this story has so much potential but it seems to get bogged down in the style you’ve decided to tell the story in (the reoccurring theme of their individual premonitions concerning the day ahead). I also think you breeze through what could be the most interesting character in the story, Fahid and turn him into almost a passing mention in favor of Dallas the police officer. Though I feel that the choice of a terrorist of Middle Eastern decent is a little old hat in this global terroris...

This is a very moving piece, I would have liked to read the other preceding chapters. The character development is well on its way so I can’t really comment on their introductions but they seem to place well, even with the fast pace. I don’t know if this is just an except of the chapter but it does seem a bit short, again this may be due to its position in the story but it would have been helpful to get a little more information on what has happened and where its going. I will keep an eye out...

I think this piece has a quite a bit of flaws but nothing that should stop you from workig on it. I think you’re moving too fast through your story, there are some really good things you can flesh out if you slow it down. By the time the main character walks to make the call to his old partner, we know pretty much his whole back story and that’s in less then twenty sentences. I also think you rely to heavily on cliché private eye type lingo, when it seems someone like your main character coul...

Very good use of imagery, you don’t seem to follow a rhythmic pattern but a thought completion pattern and it works very well for you. The point is clear and blunt, it sounds like something I would hear in a downtown café. It comes across very honest like you have close knowledge of what you are writing, I would like to read more, I hope to find more of your work.

As I got to the end I thought it was strange that Meredith would fold laundry in her going out outfit but then it creped up on me. I totally thought she was simply going to have a night on the town and live it up for the time she had left, sort of like that Queen Latifah movie. But the suicide twist was not something I saw coming. Though I wanted to skip forward in the story, I found myself glued to find out what happened, as a note I must say that my reasons for wanting to skip ahead were mo...

Hands down this is the best piece I’ve read on Urbis … Hands down! I wouldn’t change a thing, it is real, honest, gritty, and funny and hell. This would send the church into a tizzy but I think this is also one of the most theologically sound pieces I’ve ever seen. I will definitely be adding this to my favorites and looking to be a fan, you have an amazing talent and a knack for telling an amazingly engrossing story. If you don’t already have one, you need an agent because you have stuff peo...

I am sorry to say that the only portion that I found funny was the description of how to pole vault, which was actually laugh out loud funny. But the rest seemed to drag, also after you finished with the pole vaulting section the story seems to lose its way and becomes more like a diary entry or personal reflection time, either way the funny definitely left the building. You have an engaging writing style though; I didn’t feel desire to skip through.

Wow! What an amazing story! I was completely engaged from the start – the prologue is an absolute smash. I found myself wondering what Lacey would be called upon to rectify in history and then my mind drifted as I thought what in the world it could be. But as I continued to read I didn’t care as much about what she and the women of her family were suppose to fix because I started to care about the characters you were introducing. Also the jump back to 1814 is amazing on so many levels, I cann...

wow, this started out so well and seemed to be going in a great direction and not because of the sex. but because you were unraveling this person so well , like an onion but then, at least in the portion that you posted that all goes away and is never brought back into play. its a very easy read though and keeps you wanting to know what’s going on with these people, i just think you spent way too much time on his hurricane boating antics. Would love to see more.