There is something crude about the use of inbetween my thighs/line 5 and the last line sort of detracts from the image of love making. I feel it is not really poetic or pleasent to read. I also feel line 2-3 are cliche. Other than that it is well presented, ie no typo's good punctuation.

I agree with you're sentiments and write similarly sometimes. You get your anger and message across well in that you want love and care not a controlling person. I've just chased someone tonight for trying exactly this with me, they left, because I knew this was all they were after a sex control game. It does read more like a rant though than poetically as words are spat out, but then the effect works.

The daggers on his belt. Did he have more than 1, suggest describing them so the reader can visualise them.descriptions- a crude sign-crude brush strokes, suggest not using same description in the same para twice, same here, old Osferd an sorry old arse, suggest removing the first 'old'I think there is too much written on the fact that the Tavern meeting being'not a good idea, the reader gets that message earlier.her prime was come and gone(grammar) suggest, her prime had been and gone.This c...

I think this is a generic, 'I'm a vampire story', But I really liked the ending thought that was very clever. I think if you expanded on it, such as how you became a vampire. the desciptions of your blood lust are well done but it is cliche to lots of other books I've read on this subject. I like his regret of loosing the human self, like its a time that has passed, then into the, but now im a hunter phase. the story is well written , no obvious typo's

I'm not sure if the opening line is about the rape or the giving birth, this needs clarity- Suggest opening line as- 'She was terrified, she couldn't believe this was happening.' -then leave it at that-(if it is the rape occuring), This will also clarify the tenses in the story, ie, it seemed-it's happening. Para two-suggest - full-stop after 'loner'. Then - She was born into a Mexican/Catholic family to a steelworker father. The family lived in an all white Chicago neighbourhood as one of tw...

The lines I cum first as do you don't really make sense. as if you cum first then he couldn't of. or you both must of cum at the same time. I think puctuation would of benifited it(not for reading, as it was easy to read as written, but for to emphasise expression). I like that this is a woman author too expressing how sex makes her feel. Having said that it is a bit raunchy for my taste, but is good writing IMO. Honeyed lips is a bit cliche, but loved Raking nails, I like hairy chests too :)

True, in a way, sometimes people dream of being like us, or they may dream of us if they know us.

I loved this one, I know exactly how you feel, i'm the same about singing, not only are we poor financially, but people get jealous too.

I quite like this, not sure of genre, could be country or rap. Gets your point accross to the young, re drugs and the fact he doesnt care, not sure I like the use of live large, I feel this effects the flow, but know why its there. It just says what it means really, could be deeper, and I think drugs effect the rich as much as the poor and the sick.