netterlynn's profile

Your poem is moving, and it is, as you said, raw and dark. I think it needs a bit of tightening up so that it has more impact. Also, you might try to find ways to get at describing the pain you feel in a less direct way in some of the lines in the first stanza so that when you are direct, it has more impact. Now, let me get to the spelling. "Threw" should be "through", "Ive" should be "I've", "brake" should be "break", "peaces" should be "pieces", "nite" should be "night", "everyine" should b...

Evocative language that allowed me to see this man - the one who hides his past from the world, but trusts the woman he loves to see him as he is. I can actually feelhis struggle to be "the way you wanted to be for me." For me, the ending was predictable from the beginning, but the inevitability of his death in your words is echoed by the inevitability of the poem ending with his death. Interesting and poignant.

Musical. Evocative. Sad. Deep. Beautiful.

You have a clear voice, and a strong voice. The passion in this is so strong, I could almost hear you speaking it. The piece is visceral, and really reaches people at soul level. Good work.

I love the meter and sound of this poem. So evocative of the process of writing. Music with words. Great work.