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notmrright's profile
AGE:
42
LOC: Baltimore, MD
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 15
LOC: Baltimore, MD
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 15
I’m a 40 yr old Navy veteran (retired), a personal trainer, professional model and writer for an online magazine—yeah, I’m a busy guy. I’m an avid reader (fiction, non-fiction, poetry), and I have begun to write recently, working on some short stories and some poetry, a novel and a play.
I had a wordpress blog (still do), but I haven’t been there to write for quite a while. That said, there are a ton of entries there so feel free to stop by. Instead I’m working primarily on my novel.
I’m interested in connecting with other writers, so feel free to befriend me. I’ll check in here as often as I can.
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Afterword The words tripped through her mind again. “….and what if there had been no magical wardrobe? What then?” She bit into the plum, feeling the juices running down her chin, wiping them away casually with a stained hand. The sweetness of the warm fruit mixed with the sweet stench of the freshly rolled cigarette, and she closed her eyes, feeling the sun spilling across her skin. The supple flesh of the fruit, the warmth of the tiles underfoot, the cool breeze wafting a...
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Capes and tights were for sissies. Mega Man didn’t fuck with that kind of bullshit. Black leather boots, a nice pair of jeans, and a t-shirt (almost always black) were all he needed. Comic book heroes from the 50’s sported the ole red, white and blue, drawn to encourage patriotism and drive back the “red menace” that was the Soviet Union. Heroes from the 60’s and 70’s were psychedelic freaks – why else would Wolverine ever be seen in yellow spandex? F...
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The “Maidoon-ay Aftab” The bazaar was buzzing, and the sun had been up for hours already. The call to prayer was ringing now from the minarets, and it echoed down the long, busy corridors. There was always much to be done before the hot sun shut down everything for a few hours. Only a few minutes left to get to the maidoon. He looked up, searching for the sun betwixt the sheets and parday that were hung stretched across the winding paths of the bazaar. There was very little sky to...
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I wasn’t sure how it would go, and I was scared to death. My heart was beating uncontrollably. I was actually wondering if I would hyperventilate, and I knew when we got to the door, that I was in real trouble and that it was too late to back out. Either way, I didn’t want to back out. And yet, I was desperate to run away. Oh my God! I couldn’t believe what I was doing. Standing at the door, I reached up, as instructed, and pressed the doorbell. There was a classic ring inside the house, and ...
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Blood dripped from his claws, tiny puddles forming on the floor beside him as he knelt, exhausted………exhausted but primed. He relaxed his breathing, calming his hammering heart. Eyes closed, focusing, feeling the struggle, hearing her pleas again in his mind, and smiled to himself. Unconsciously he licked his lips. She had been good, this one………too good. It was all too much this time, too quick to be over, too hard and fast, not enough time to savor the experience – her skin, her mouth, her br...
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The parts about emotions and feelings, or was it sensations when you use "feel", seem out of place or strained. And I don't understand how your emotions disappear with the trick; I would think the fun of a magic show would bring forth an emotional response: happiness, smiling, laughter, a sense of connection. "appear again and again" is a little too long, so that could use some reword; it just doesn't fit the rhythm. And the last three lines seem to come out of nowhere and, if you will, spoil...
Hard for me to rate this, but I thought it was pretty good. I noticed you changed from six lines to five in along the way, leaving out the last line that rhymes with the first two -- not sure why you did that. Consistency seems to be pretty important when it comes to music, which is based on mathematic and beat. If set to music, it may not be possible to leave out a whole line. Also, watch your line length -- some of the lines seemed to long and wouldn't be able to fit within a 4-count or 8-c...
I really don't know what to say. It's full of imagery, but I'm at a loss to understand what you are trying to convey.
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