nownownorunning's profile

First of all, you need to revamp this dialogue: there's a very noticeable line between incredibly descriptive narration, and the dialogue of a chick in a bar. Secondly, the beginning is way too rushed. The way Bear rushes into the question...it feels like you could have a paragraph or two as a buffer, you know? Maybe some more dialogue leading up to the question, like Baba adding a little line about how hard it is not to know everything about a person you've known since birth. And okay, I hav...

Now THIS is good haiku! I really enjoyed this; simple, but effective and with a style that preserves the integrity of haiku, uses the right words to give us the whole message, and allows the reader's own thoughts to trail eyond the original message. Kudos, babe.

Frankly, this haiku's a pun, and has no vast meaning, like haiku is supposed to invoke. The genius behind haiku is that one can read three simple lines and interpret a hundred meanings- this is like a bar pick-up line. Stick with the watching the wax drip down, but go in a less blunt and corny direction with the narrator's passion. Also, I really do hate to say it, but there's no conventional or unconventional haiku. 5, 7, 5. Nothing else falls under that category. :X

I wanted to see what you've written, as you've reveiwed my work and we've corresponded- it's only proper. Right, so I hate to say it, but if you want to escape conformity, try a different genre. Haiku is such a wondrous thing because you're given such a small amount of space to convey your message. However, what I see here seems more like lyrics than haiku. Maybe you should expand it into a song or poem?

This is a beautiful peace, with wonderful imagery, and just enough internal rhyme to satisfy the more traditional poetry readers, and intrigue those who admire free-er verse. "and while in this reverie rose a holographic rainbow resplendent in vibrant hues and not one, but two, that lifted high and arced in the sky." My favorite part, truly. It's a gorgeous picture you're painted. Brava.