obelletto's profile
AGE:
37
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 17
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 17
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Items
Version 1
12 Reviews
3 Comments
A couple times a day small curls appear in the water. I come sometimes to the river to see them. The best place, I’ve found, is an old trestle bridge. Now it’s been renovated, but I climb out to the pillar, and its high walls hide me from the train. It isn’t often. I don’t like nostalgia, and it is for this reason: If I let it, memory hides me too. I look down that cement pillar at the water turning in on itself. This is the tide finding an objection. It moves, and this is what calls me to s...
Version 1
10 Reviews
0 Comments
I never stared long enough when I was young through the wobbly wheels of the future swish swish but at times I saw the sidewalk rush, and felt the air whoosh past my handlebars. Spinning spokes flashed like rain in the sunshine. The raindrops beamed against my face and swish swish instead of fading, kept their lines all the way into silver bike tassels. The trees grew green, and in the winter, bare. Leaves fell brown through the streaking wheels swish swish vividly, like memories of rocketing...
Version 1
11 Reviews
0 Comments
All the clouds seem to rise from the gray deadened south cap. They aren’t a bird, but if they aren’t a bird, they are feathers, the winged clouds, a frozen counter-phoenix, blizzarding. The earth a face it crosses like an expression, glassed in its own helmet with O2. Reading it would be a mistake, like ascribing human motive to a cat’s stare. If it says anything we can understand, it says, food. It is salty, like blood but bitter. Nectar, and ambrosia, mostly gristle. Small globs of fat link...
Version 1
12 Reviews
7 Comments
Look there, up ahead, is that your ex-girlfriend? Weaving in the crowd a bob of blonde, I bet it is. I bet everything is congruence. There she is, and here you were, wondering what to do with your midnight. It’s crucial to approach this moment of fruition and delay an extra step. This is how she disappears from your prediction of success: One unstepped pace, a moment withheld or a sip kept in the cup of your sly belief. Let’s tuck that away there. What is it? It’s constitutional to you. It’s ...
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Reviews
I think what you've done here is lay out the rhythm of the poem you want. One can only do so much at a time, so the next thing to do would be to identify and tighten up that rhythm until it's regular throughout the poem. After that, the job is to plug in the words you want instead of the current placeholders. The rhythm is great. It captures the hesitations and uncertainties of a first date quite well.
I like "brand new useless thing." I think it's the rhythm I like as much as the words. "brandishing" and "ironing board" is original and interesting, but for all that, it does not make sense. An ironing board is just too large, awkward, and non-weaponish to brandish. If you cut down on the adjectives and reduce redundancies, you'll get to the core of this poem. For instance, "toxic river/salt water sea" are both describing the same thing. Pick one. And a small nitpick: it's "ensue," not "insu...
Good work with the sounds in this poem. I can't help thinking they would become much more evocative if there were some descriptive features to attach them to. It could be as simple as one object casting a multiplicitous knurl of shadows, or it could be an entire room full of furniture, each casting and individual shadow into a common pool. That would help the reader to place the speaker. As yet, there is no setting, except that by the end of the poem we assume someone has been sleeping, becau...
I see all the pieces of the poem are here. You have great descriptive lines, the blue-lit runway, the ocean of lights, tying in to your use of "harbor," in line 8. I think they could benefit from a reordering, however: Begin with the purely descriptive lines, follow up with purely descriptive lines, and then when the poem is ready for its "volta," or turn, gather the lines that comment upon the scene. Then, return to the purely descriptive lines to finish. This is a structure common to many n...
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