ocelott's profile

Great rhythm and a very nice flow. The images you've evoked here are really lovely, and the last stanza is particularly fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem.

I love that you've managed to convey so much in so few words. I have a clear feel of the setting and the sudden humility of Saul. Very nicely done. The one thing I might suggest is putting the last two words, "my blinder" in a new line instead of using the comma, but that's always a personal preference, so feel free to ignore if you like.

There's some great imagery here, and I really like the last stanza. There are some powerful emotions here. The phrase "takes my breath with much surprise" feels slightly awkward to me, I think because the phrasing doesn't quite match the rest of the language you've used here. The idea of drowning willingly is a good one, and makes for a very pretty poem.

Reading your synopsis, I find myself slightly confused as to why Maggie is making all these wrong moves. I'm sure it makes sense in the context of the story, but without that added perspective, it's easy to wonder if there's something a little bit wrong with the protagonist. Some rewording could help that, especially the part about making wild accusations at an innocent family member (the mental image I get is of Maggie randomly walking over to a young cousin, pointing a finger in her face an...