ockhamdesign's profile

ockhamdesign avatar
AGE: 38
LOC: Denver, CO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 29

Published early and realized that I couldn’t support myself on two copies.  I ended up choosing a different profession.

I’m here just trying to remember how to write and critique again.

Other stuff if you really want to know:
www.myspace.com/ockhamdesign

Item Stats
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Items
Version 3
0 Reviews   0 Comments
1. williams poetry no pronouns 2. That stabbing means rape and the knife means you know it’s poetic penal code for common objects The other sex abhors the knife as much as circumcision. Cut the poem vaguely like a shoplifting trip to 7-Eleven. Take whatever you want, but buy the creme-filled donots because what’s not a torus is a phallic symbol. 3. Mugging Kills Parent Single Mom’s Son Left Behind Knife Found Near Victim pasted headlines have no high queue of words strung with intent to harm ...
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Poetry / Boy
Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
The boy knows he must do it before he turns eighteen, before a police record can damage a potential career. So at fourteen and two months, he sneaks upstairs into his father’s bedroom and slits his father’s throat with a kitchen knife before phoning the authorities. At the trial, they play the videotape from the camera that he hid beneath a pile of dirty clothes, the camera that he bought with years of paper routes and unspent lunch money. As the jury watches his father sodomizing him in the ...
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Poetry / How It Begins
Version 1
3 Reviews   0 Comments
You’re in a club near closing and you can’t recall ever being this messed up. But then you’re dying of inoperable cancer so no one’s going to expect you to take this well. You haven’t slept in sixty-some hours but the ephedrine keeps you head clear. You want to remember the beginning this time. It’s like being born all over again, the sudden cold, harsh light, noises and images you can’t yet comprehend. You don’t understand where you are, but this is a perpetual condition. This is how it begi...
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Poetry / Girl On A Bus
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
She couldn't be more than four, blond tresses bouncing as she crouches on her seat beneath the window before jumping up to press her nose and hands on tinted glass as if to say, I am here. Her father smiles indulgently and continues writing in his dayplanner. Outside a woman stares enviously at a mannequin wearing a wedding dress. In the woman's hands are bags of shopping longing to be filled. The planner holds the little girl's life. I'm sure of it. Five: gets chicken pox, retains endearing ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
1. williams poetry no pronouns 2. That stabbing means rape and the knife symbolizes a thingy whatchamacallit. The other sex abhors the knife as much as circumcision. Cut the poem vaguely like a shoplifting trip to 7-Eleven. Take whatever you want, but buy the doughnuts because if it's not a torus, it's a phallic symbol. 3. Mugging Kills Parent Single Mom's Son Left Behind Knife Found Near Victim pasted headlines have no high queue of words strung with intent to harm you. 4. (Note: two stanzas...
Ratings & Rankings
Reviews
Poetry / Mind, No Mind
Love as fight or flight is what I understand the poem to be. However, the poem needs to be tighter. First stanza, 2nd line - I think you should play with other verbs besides see. First stanza, 6th line - should it be we not we'll because the dancing is present tense and the killing and dying is future. 2nd stanza - I don't like line breaks after pronouns, they seem arbitrary for two reason. One, if you just take the lines out of context, the breaks don't add any meaning. Two the breaks add un...
My summation of the poem: Men haven't evolved from their knuckle dragging days because women are unfaithful. I don't like the first line. There's no impact. Suggestions would be: The lovers makers (verb) (something that ties alludes to the title or the last line of the poem). Everything else works. Shock value to the poem is about a 3 out 10. The poem is pretty tame compared to what gets published in the New York Quarterly.
Poetry / Small Things
I love what you've done with the poem since the first draft. I've always been a stickler with punctuation and line breaks because both add natural pauses when a poem is read out loud. I think the em dashes in the first stanza are confusing. Is a man's best decorum a small thing and part of the sentence in the first line or is that a separate sentence all together. Get rid of the word "the" in front of birds in the 2nd stanza. I reads out loud better with the alliteration between bird and back...
Poetry / Eve's First Week
The last stanza works well. Consider capitalizing Rapture to give it a different meaning. I like the imagery but they seem random from stanza to stanza with you picking whichever would visually best captures that feeling or moment but not flowing to the next set of images to lead to the final stanza. I don't get the reference or imagery of "like a slab of honey by the bruising roses". It like the image but it doesn't add meaning to the poem. The first two lines work and so does the last stanz...
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