offerupthedeep's profile

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AGE: 19
LOC: Cardiff By The Sea, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 10

I’m Noelle and I’ve been writing for quite awhile, though things seem to be coming slower and slower to me. I hope you enjoy my work, let me know what you think!

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Poetry / Spoons
Version 1
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I never fully understood why it was called spooning until it was just you and me, a pile of clothing, on your bedroom floor. And we are so close to the same size that everything lined up so perfectly. We fit together like two matching spoons atop of one another in a kitchen drawer.
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Version 1
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Once, when our love was still new we went to Knotts Berry Farm None of the roller coasters we went on hit me quite as hard as the pirate ship or sea dragon or whatever it was called I felt for sure that I'd fall off and tumble to my death. You grabbed my hand and told me not to stop looking straight into your eyes Everything became blurry, except for you I closed my eyes. I couldn't handle how honest our connection was or far off the ground we were The first time you broke my heart I sat on y...
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Poetry / Love Poem
Version 1
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The first time we said I love you the words felt so fragile that I could barely get them out. I was afraid that as soon as they hit they air they would shatter Or worse, disappear all together I was careful to treat them as if They were an antique Christman ornament Placed carefully on the highest branch Of the tree When you repeated those three glorious words My heart disloged from my throat It grew wings And floated right out of my body The words didn't seems so fragile anymore They seemed...
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Version 1
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You must have been surprised When you were cooking something That smelled slightly vile on the stove And you made the sixty degree turn And I was sitting in your sink Defrosting like a slab of meat Before you could ask I answered "I'm waiting for you." So you took me on drives down Newport's Coast Where you talked about Chomsky And I talked about piggies And other dumb shit like that You pointed at the sky line Full of waves and clouds and rocks And said "I bought that for you" I smiled and ...
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Poetry / Ragdoll
Version 2
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I'm just a rag doll In the corner or your room Slumped over lifeless Sexless Like two socks in a poem That you wrote once In a metaphor that has Nothing to do with me I'm just a lone red sock Without a mate that you Accidentally threw in A load of laundry with all Of your white T-shirts And when you take them Out they'll all be a Pepto-Bismal pink Now you have two choices: Throwing everything away Or Never forgetting me
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Reviews
Oh my god! This was amazing! I think we've all had nights where we've suppressed the loves of our lives with the loves in our hands. This is very witty and very funny, you didn't let your humor get in the way of your feelings or the flow of your poem. Great job!
Short Story / Victor
I'd work on the capitalization, punctuation, and format a little before having it reviewed. It's somewhat hard to follow. I feel like your sentences could use some restructuring and the capital letters in the middle are somewhat distracting. I think you have a base but you need to work it up more.
Poetry / -need title-
I really enjoy the theme of your poem and I think you express your point well. I'd break it up into stanzas, I'd probably but a line break before the Alone, line and before the I glance... Line. It might be a little more clear if you add some more punctuation and capital letters. Other than that I think you have a very nice piece here!
Poetry / Growing
I think this poem encompasses the idea that simplicity is bliss. You use very lovely imagery and create a beautiful picture! Good job!
I feel like this poem is very forced. The stop and wait...hesitate parts seem repetitive. I don't really understand why your saying not to hesitate if you're gambling too high. You're message seems very unclear.
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