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onetoein's profile
AGE:
59
LOC: New Zealand
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 09
LOC: New Zealand
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 09
My writing up to now consists of pieces of poetry and journal writings stacked away in notebooks. This is the first time I have seriously shared my work and I am looking forward to getting feedback which assists me to focus more on my writing, organise and improve it. It is also an honour to read the work of others and be given the opportunity to comment.
I look for simplicity, ease of understanding. I seek to be transported into another place, known or unknown, with a physical & emotional response to what I read.
Items
Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
DEMOLITION Thursday 28/8/08 Tomorrow is Daffodil Day in New Zealand. Grief is a bittersweet journey of twists and turns throughout the years rather than a state of being that has an end to it in some sort of ‘closure’. Today I walked past the old Christchurch Women’s Hospital as I have many times before on my way to and from work. Today was different. Today they have begun to tear down the empty building. It has stood empty for so long and yet I had had no warning that one day it might become...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
9 Reviews
8 Comments
She lay still under the heavily starched white hospital sheet. How far from us she really was now was difficult to determine. Although she could still flick a foot or her shoulder in a “go away” manner, reminding us not to let our own needs take us over ... and that she still had a mind of her own, even though the strength was leaving her body. I so wanted to touch her. To hug her body to me. To feel it soft, warm and supple again. Not distorted and stiffened from months of pain, so that eve...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
Families fighting, bitterness rules Chlidren ignored Scared and alone Parents hitting, snapping, hurting Children neglected Bewildered and sad Parents busy, busy, busy Children left To play alone Making money, money, money Children clothed Fed and mad Where we're going we don't see We don't hear Our children's cries All grown up now we can see All around us The children cry
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
As winter throws its veil, the trees laid bare stand stark A chilled stillness gathers, over my evening shelter dark A time to mourn deep sorrows, to weep, to feel the pain Or to find a tranquil resting place, til summer comes again If I'm to find a haven, right here in winter's arms To know an inner quiet, feel free from any harm I just recall my friends, their words, their hugs, their smiles And the care and love they shower on me, even over many miles And then there are the children, they ...
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Reviews
I found this piece very captivating. The way you wonder about the individuals involved and their processes, comment on what is going on before you as you notice it, makes it a very human story. Because I was completely absorbed in your story of something I would normally not be wanting to watch, the ending took me by pleasant surprise. There is nothing I would change except a check on tenses and other technical things.
I like the way you have intertwined your experience of what is around you and your experience of the girl and of yourself at the time. I think the &s and the 'but' are unnecessary and a bit distracting. I love the last four lines especially. I would play with it a little more as it appears you go from outside, to inside, and back outside and it seems to me the clarity suffers.
Love it ... an accurate description of the media participation in the chaos that errupts in a 'safe' community after a tragedy. You have illuminated the way the telling of a story can become more compelling than the actual event. In fact that instead of making us more mindful of the impact on victims it can dull the impact. The metaphors of the ignored middle child and the drunk uncle are amusing and yet potently serious. Thank you for 'a good read.'
The most impactful part of this for me was the last two lines. I think the subject has promise and you are using many words when some short pithy comment which you are obviously capable of might work better. The part of your criteria ... to Amuse / Entertain / Warm a few hearts, was not the intention in this piece I think.
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