onlywish's profile

I wanted to get to the meat of the flash fiction faster then it was allowing. I am sorry. I don't mean to be cruel. For a flash story it's a bit wordy and drags on. If this was part of a short book it would have excellent detail and imagery. Your word choice gets the reader on the beach and involved in the story. But there is no shocking moment or moment that made me think "WOW I get it" "I never saw that coming"

You use a shorter syllable structure. Then the 5-7-5-7-7. It caught me off guard. But works well. There is a good message and it's almost perfect. You could take some of the smaller words and combine the syllable (on,in,and,and a) to give your tanka a 3 dimensional feel. L2 - trees outline granite L3 - morning light sculpts Bad suggestions, I do like the tanka. don't make it to clear or all the fun and fascination are taken away.

Amusing yes. Have I read it before. Yes and No. I believe it follows a country song. (Save a horse ride a cowboy) Not sure of Song Title? or singer. It does work as a cult saying.

Spring - Natures call - seems redundant and to broad a word at the same time. The imagery is wonderful. Summer - the second line - to, the, and of. Are wasted syllable. Burning, toasted and fire are basically saying the same thing. But it does make the last line eatable. Fall and winter are both wonderful. Your description are true to nature and haiku.

All I could think when reading the last line was "Oh Shit" and laughing at the same time. Never jump to a conclusion. I counted 101 words. You used periods instead of commas between Brunette. Curvy. Smart. Beautiful. Fertile. Rich. Is this something new to writing or am I seeing things wrong? Trenton's head imploded. Is hysterical.