opheliaarmelle's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 12
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 12
I am a 25-year-old female living in New York City. I don’t have a lot of experience with writing, except what was published in my high school magazines. But I’m trying to write a novel. Hey, you never know…
Items
Version 1
11 Reviews
2 Comments
Chapter 1 I blame Josh. Actually, that’s not fair. I was already balancing on the edge of the cliff. Josh just kind of blew on me and I fell over the edge. If I really want to refuse to accept responsibility for my actions, I should just blame technology. I am sure that if I had been twenty-five in 1975 instead of 2005, things would have been different. I am not the type to sit at my desk with my phone pressed up against my ear while my work lies neglected and untouched. I picture myself pick...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
7 Reviews
4 Comments
About a week after I finally found a pet-friendly apartment in New York, I started my search for the perfect kitten. All I wanted was a tiny kitten who had a long time to be tiny before I had to come to terms with having a full-sized cat who no longer wants to be bothered. I tracked down an adoption center that advertised that they had just rescued ten cats from the Bronx. I spoke to a woman on the phone that suggested that I might want to take home two kittens. But I insisted on just one. I ...
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I had trouble keeping the characters straight in the beginning. Perhaps introducing so many characters in the first few paragraphs is a little overwhelming. Also, for some reason I pictured a cop scenario in the beginning, until you brought in the money part. Perhaps it was the names? A finance company (is that what it's supposed to be) would be a lot more chaotic. The slow pace on the office has a law-enforcement feel. There was something missing from Betty leaving... I didn't really feel hi...
I enjoyed the vagueness of this story to a certain extent, but I think you could be a touch more clear on what is going on. I think there's a balance. It is captivating to try to figure out who the main character is and what's going on based on description, like his burned fingers, but I had to read this twice to completely understand the story. Actually, to be specific, I understand your contrast with the VP's son. Is he dating the girl? What's a long time coming?
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I would encourage you to move the action up to the front and weave the background information in throughout the piece. The first few paragraphs were fairly painful to read, but then you have great dialogue and action following it. Think about a reader picking up your piece and reading the first few paragraphs, and what is going to make them keep reading instead of putting it down and picking up something else.
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It's hard to review something out of context, so I'm going to give you the two parts that tripped me up while I was reading. The first sentece was "Until I found him, until I was once by his side, I was a machine." It's just awkward. The second was the last sentence where you said "I cried instead." Instead of what? I think if you just remove the "instead" it reads great. That being said, I think you're a beautiful writer and this has a lot of potential.
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