originofshowbiz has no favorites yet.
originofshowbiz's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 13
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 13
This profile is very important to me. I enjoy getting as much constructive criticism as possible on my work. So, if you enjoy something, please feel free to browse my other poems/pieces and let me know what you think.
Much love.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
Dormant Castle loomed over a plateau of the darkest onyx, surrounded by a great canyon that was perhaps once filled with water. The weathered stone walls were a strained black and grey, the turrets high and foreboding, the battlements crumbled with the stress of war. There was no breeze to carry neither song nor scream. There was a penetrating air that caused Cody, Draven and Zuleika to shiver with cold and with fear. A worn stone bridge crumbled beneath their feet as they ran to reach the si...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
"Oh Codonall! You came back to me!" She made to reach out for her son, her shawl slipping to the floor as she spread out her arms. Cody flinched and pushed back from the bar, "I didn’t come back for you. I'm here on military business." She gave a loud gasp and shrunk back, fumbling with her glasses and throwing them on her round face as though her sight would help her understand, "Military? Military?" Cody gave a solemn nod and spoke with such a sharp tongue that Zuleika and Draven were quite...
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Zuleika approached the clearing rapidly, clutching her long coat in her hand as she headed over to Draven who stood unnaturally still, staring at her with unblinking eyes. "Draven, oh, Draven!" Failing to notice Draven's peculiar behaviour, she glanced around the darkening woodland as blood red sunlight spilled across the forest floor, "Where is Vaughn?" "He was taken away." Draven's mouth moved accordingly but the monotonous and empty voice was almost impossible to belong to him. Continuing,...
Version 1
1 Review
3 Comments
"We're back!" Serena announced as she entered the sitting room. Cody, Draven, Vaughn and Thomas nodded slowly and mumbled quietly with their heads bent in concentration. Zuleika looked at Serena, "What are they doing?" "Playing cards," Serena rolled her eyes and headed into the kitchen. Zuleika walked over to the circle of armchairs in the centre of the cosy room, "What are you playing?" she asked with general interest. "Ssh!" Draven hushed though still keeping his eyes on his cards. "Sorry....
Version 1
1 Review
4 Comments
The still air was broken only with the birds' sweet singing. The stone beneath their feet was worn and the grass grew through the cracks with a luscious green colour that complemented the vast fields of grass and trees surrounding them. Feeling harmonious with nature, Zuleika closed her eyes peacefully and allowed her feet to guide her along the path and she turned her face to the direction of the sunlight. Though the air pinched her cheeks and nose she felt cleansed and fresh in this tranqui...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
There are too many "s here: walls.” “That’s You should have a question mark at the end of this line: personality. I'm not sure why this on two pages though - is that a new Urbis format? It doesn't need to be because it doesn't add anything to the story. Overall, once the typos are sorted, this is a very unique piece.
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
The first verse is perhaps a little bit cliched, but you write it in a way that's a little bit different. I'm not sure whether or not this is a typo but this line didn't make much sense: "For it seems she was never her" If you change this line then I think it would make more sense.
Again, as lyrics these would work well with a great musical accompaniment. However, as a poem there is too much repetition and not enough besides. Also, if this is going to be called a ballad then it would make more sense to write it in ballad form as the title is rather misleading.
This is an interesting piece - not as cliched as a lot of lyrics these days. As lyrics, I think they're fine, provided that they're accompanied by some great music. As poetry, however, I think more work needs to be done - repetition is fine but there is too much repetition of 'Transparent Man' in this to stand out from the rest of the lyrics.
This was a really interesting piece - I really think you have a voice and a subject here that has been cliched and rubbish and done so many times, but you take it and make it your own and it's become something really great. It's not what I would usually read, but I can't deny that this is very good. As I said, it's not what I usually read and I was slightly unsure about how I would enjoy the story, until I got to this line: If you had my job, you’d be grim too. That is absolute genuis! A comp...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People









