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out_of_words's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: Greenwood, IN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 24
LOC: Greenwood, IN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 24
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Version 1
7 Reviews
1 Comment
You say I must be lost in order to be found, so I beg of you now look at me like you used to, lose me once again in your gaze. I will be your willing prisoner, dragged, gagged, and bound into the deepest recesses of your soul, solely for the purpose of my own self-sacrificial soul searching. So go on, consume me and control me, watch as I take you under and take you in. I'll use your heart to make mine beat, crawl inside your lungs to teach myself to breathe. With your body as my temple I wil...
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I like that you wrote this with your grandson in mind. Basing characters or situations off of real life people/events makes stories easier to swallow as reality. In this case, however, it feels as though you and i are sitting down to coffee and you're relaying the day's events. I think the moral of it is good, but the layout/style needs some work.
I understand that you are trying to tell the story of Dr. King's life, but when reading this I felt that it came off as more of a biography than a set of lyrics. What may help is to have it not so packed full of dates and statistical facts, maybe pick one or two periods of his life that you want to focus on and get more in depth on those. Some great metaphorical things can be done with the power his life held over society and the lasting influence of his words. Hope this helps some! Great start.
I haven't quite made up my mind on this. I'm pretty sure I like it. I have a few things I'm not sure on though. Such as, what are you trying to convey to the child who would read this? Is there a moral of sorts? The closest I picked up on would be that things will eventually work out if you do them out of your heart, for love. But the feel i kind of got was here's this overweight not really liked child who has to change what he looks like in order to find love. Maybe that's not what you were ...
this is very powerful. the language you've chosen has you come across as a strong and confident writer. the first two stanzas i feel convey brilliantly the duality of motherhood, of womanhood. it's the too often unspoken truth in new mothers. kudos and bravo
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